Monthly Archives: September 2012
It wasn’t my experience. But hearing it took me in. It is so much better to let that power be the power to save other people. I cannot convince G or make him feel any better. I am so sad about that. But it is too big of a job. Letting the power that is not mine take over only makes sense. It goes against everything I know. But it makes sense. I want to be able to love without taking on everything. All of that responsibility. How does one love and not take on all of that responsibility? Is it really simple? I hope not, because I find it difficult.
I was so inconsolable today. And so zoned out. I can not handle my own humanity, my own emotions. They are so locked down. I need help. I really want my emotions, but I am terrified of them. My days consist of avoiding my emotions and hunkering down to ‘do’. Just ‘do’. Don’t feel, just ‘do’.
Today I felt blocked. I had myself locked down. I felt sorry for myself. I felt…like my mother showed me I should feel. Helpless and lonely. I don’t really believe in that though. When she was like that I wondered why she did not enjoy being with my brother and I. I wondered why she could not see what she had.
I can’t either. I do know it, but I won’t let myself feel happy about it. I wont let myself enjoy, enjoy my friends. Enjoy the things I like.
What do I feel? What do I avoid feeling? Answer these questions…
I thought I thought that it is terrible to be alone. That a woman cannot survive alone, that she looks bad, feels bad, has too much to handle, drowns, is exploited by her kids… I didn’t even know that I thought that, but that is how I am acting…
I don’t really believe that. I am just acting out what I saw. I am uncontrollably acting out a feeling that I don’t even have… My mother felt that way. She complained all the time. She was looking for a man ALL the time. And I was always driven crazy by her feigned helplessness, loneliness. I didn’t even know what I felt, but I acted like her. Just like I am acting like her now…
– I am holding a terribly ugly grudge against G. I can’t be angry…But I am angry that he took my life away, as though him not being there takes away all of my chances for all of the things I want. I sound like and look like my mother. I am flabbergasted.
I have sat around most of the day today, in pain, and I don’t even know from what. I feigned helplessness with G today and I can not believe it…I cannot help but act like my mother. And she was probably just acting like HER mother!! I do not know what to act like but I am carrying on at least 2 generations of insanity…Unbelievable.
What do I really believe? What do I really feel. What do I really want? I know it is not what my mother felt, or believed, or wanted…
I have to drop this act. (Just like I think G does – wow, he is doing the same things as well. Amazing that we not only reproduce biologically. We reproduce ourselves in more ways than i can even handle thinking about right now…
I was at my therapist’s a couple of week ago and she said – love for you is intrusion.
I totally see that. Love is imposition and intrusion and sucking the life out of you…
I don’t know how to do it another way. How to receive it another way.
I feel my neediness. It’s just in me, not even me asking people for things, it’s me needing some kind of emotion i.v. I really don’t like that feeling.
NOrmal distance feels a little lonely, especially when it is in the context of an intimate relationship.
I can barely imagine what I need these days. All I want is silence. But I cannot listen to or hear my own thoughts and feelings.
It’s absolute torture.
I feel satisfaction after my Step meeting tonight. Felt the collective. Felt human. Felt others’ humanity. Felt insecure after. Felt self-critical. Said something about someone’s share, but don’t know if I sounded codependent or silly… His share about his higher power really was a nice experience for me. He made it sound easy… easier… I can just stop and pray. I can ask for patience or strength…It just feels so much more hopeful while I am in a meeting. When I am by myself I feel a little lame…Because I don’t know if I believe it yet…?
I feel anxious about the time with my co-sponsor tonight. I think I feel not good about not having answered my questions on paper liker her, and I feel, anxious because I think she feels something about that. And I feel that the way I am talking about things is not the same way she is talking about things, and I am getting a weird look from her. She mentioned intellectualizing things tonight. I am stressing over time and need to share that so that I am open about what I can and cannot do right now…. I felt a little crazy by the end of the meeting. I feel gross that I might be needy, that I might be treating her like she is one of my gods because she has gotten further…that she was trying to get back when she wrote me out an example of the 4th step, when I was expressing what I was expressing…I bring that out in people…I compete, I try to prove myself, I try to impress…Outwards, outwards….
Where is K? What is she needing so that she does not look for approval and reward that way?
Hm, I was just reading a self-care blog or two, because I cannot for the life of me, identify the things I want and need every day. Or at least I can not choose them and then execute. But as I was reading someone else’s description of what they did one morning, I realized that I want to buy myself some flowers and put them on my table.
I think I also want silence.
And I think I also want to browse around somewhere…Like Queen West, and look at things that I like, maybe buy myself a thing or two.
I definitely need help to maintain my place as I work myself into the ground, and I am soooo proud of having found someone to help me with housekeeping… I do have a hard time keeping things up though. It’s like I don’t care. But I love it when things are cleaned up and tidy. Tidying and cleaning up after myself is self-care, but I am somewhat careless. I am rebelling against something. Wanting someone else to do it, to take care of me…
I think I want to buy myself fast food too. So that I don’t have to cook for a while. I did just cook a shitload over the past couple of weeks and now I want to stop cooking.
I love sorbet, especially when I make it at home with my blender without any sugar (just a little juice). Last night was melon, raspberries, blueberries and a splash of juice…Delish.
I mean this in the nicest possible way.
– I feel something that I have only rarely felt for any length of time. It is the exception an not the rule. The person who cleans my place did such a nice job cleaning my place but most importantly she did exactly what I asked and even more… I feel taken care of! And I did it! I took care of myself by getting someone to take up the slack… It makes sense; I am sensible, I am responsible, and I deserve to feel at ease and that I deserve to have myself taken care of.
– My brother is bringing his family up for my birthday. Wow! They want to celebrate with me 🙂 that makes me happy.