Monthly Archives: November 2012

Legacy

1) I hold resentment as though I am imitating my mother; absolutely horrendous…I walk around with feelings towards my exes as she walks around with feelings towards John…

2) there is a string connecting my guilt or my obsession or my fear or my worry to people’s reactions to my behavior; I can’t let go of them, it is a reflex that I am helpless over, like the knee reflex…it is that automatic and out of my control

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Joy – practice

Looking forward to

– possible xmas dinner with aca people

– learn to meditate class on saturday

– meditation on friday

– yoga on Thursday

– talking about Tokyo with girls

– massage thursday

– leaving school nice and early today (what to do after that…?)

Guilt, the wrench in my works…

Hi,

I was just thinking about one of the things that seems to be holding me back from emotional freedom. Guilt. Guilt from saying something, or some things…just out of fear, resentment, and anger. Not guilt because the thing was a lie…because I wasn’t lying…I just couldn’t control my own self. It is natural that I felt that way. Understandable…but I have such incredible sadness. He made me feel like shit for saying the thing, and I am vulnerable to him making me feel like shit, and I also feel like shit because I was saying it to get a reaction, to be heard, but on the same level as he says things…without any control, consideration, awareness, presence of mind…Without the understanding that I have a choice. A choice to say it or not. A choice to stay or go.

Guilt for…pulling things out of the past and using them. Pulling my fear out of the past and using it. Guilt for not being perfect. Guilt for not caring about codependent relationships he has with others… Guilt for thinking I am the best person for him to have a relationship with…Guilt because I think little of him?

Guilt because I expect more from myself than from others? Guilt because I cannot see my goodness? Guilt because I did not follow my intuition to start with? Guilt because I was not honest, and honest with myself? Guilt because I think that is why people will care for me? I will feel less and they think they have the power to bring me back up. Or I let them believe that?

Brother and family come to visit

Be good to myself and be helpful and good to them at the same time.

That are coming for my birthday 🙂 so I can take the opportunity to enjoy that.

K, no need to worry about so many logistics, no need to worry about everything Joann worries about, no need to anticipate needs…

Just prepare as much as you know and can and then enjoy. Enjoy eating together, giving them presents, eating more, getting around the city.

Thank you

For a surprisingly good new yoga class and instructor.

And for your patience, h-power; for only asking of me what I am capable of at this point in my growing. If I can only learn a mm you watch over me as I do…

Rejoice

Lately, I have begun to do some very self-kind things. I have only just today looked back and felt some relief and (healthy) pride in myself. And even though bringing myself to do these things most often feels labored, the fact is that I have been staying pretty consistent. Waiting impatiently for the days when self care does not feel labored and guilty and awkward and shameful and out of place or inconvenient… In hindsight, I do feel a little more mature, a little more responsible, a little stronger, a little more important to myself… Wow, good job, Me 🙂
– silent retreat (wow, I took the time off and spent the money…!), yoga almost every day, meditation at a temple at least once a week, meditation at school between teaching classes, meetings at least 3 times a week, calling friends from meetings for emotional support, doing a co-sponsee step study, ordered my own self a 40th birthday cake(!), reducing the amount of time I spend with/on people who trigger me, making myself good food as much as I can, stopping to consider what I need or want in times that feel chaotic, listening to meditations at home before bed and in the mornings, listening to speakers talking about recovery, calling into phone meetings…

All of this gives me a little feeling of accomplishment.

Clear and Unclear Truths

I have been sitting on this thought for a while now and haven’t had the time or the ability to think about it or write on it…

Being with/around G makes/made some truths incredibly clear and hid(es) others.

makes things about my weaknesses, dysfunction scream, and hides the fact that a lot of the things I have done or have been are in fact destructive, not actually ‘caring’ and good…

My Anger

Blech….. Called my mother back after she called and left about a dozen messages in 4 days. First mistake.

What was my motive? Not to be nice. I was going through the motions of doing something ‘normal’; returning a/her phone call. Acting like it was just regular… but i was ignoring the reasons i didnt pick up her phone calls in the first place. and falling a bit back into the ‘good daughter’ routine. playing the game, playing her game. pretending that she has the ability to be a healthy person for me to be around.
I wanted something I can’t have. I can’t pretend to be the person I pretended to be for so many years. And she is not the person she wanted me to pretend she is.

So, the phone call went south. I asked her not to call and talk about people I don’t even know. I asked her to listen to me. Silly me… She will not stop doing those things. And silly me, I cannot put up with her doing those things right now. I am at a ridiculously sensitive time in my life…

I am power less over her actions and how she thinks: (expand). I cannot stop her mistakes. I cannot stop her calling me. I cannot make her think about the effects of her actions. I cannot change my childhood. I cannot change my university years. I cannot make her understand how I felt when she would call and complain and pout, and lecture. I cannot Stop her from calling me again. I cannot stop her from emailing me. I cannot stop her from leaving messages I cannot stop her from talking about me. I cannot make her care or be interested in my day or my feelings or my life. I cannot make her care about me.

I am powerless over my own codependence. I cannot make my anger disappear. I cannot talk to her without getting upset, I cannot be a good daughter like I had been pretending. I cannot remember happy things with her.

Guilt. Still.

Good morning

Spirit, please help me to access:
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (life, other people),
the courage and willingness to change the things I can (me, my own attitudes and behaviors),
and the wisdom and clarity to know the difference.

accept a state of grace

The way we do that is to change the attitudes and beliefs within us that tell us that we are not Lovable. And we cannot do that without going through the black hole. The black hole that we need to surrender to traveling through is the black hole of our grief. The journey within – through our feelings – is the journey to knowing that we are Loved, that we are Lovable.

The challenge is to have compassion for ourselves. The disease will try to get us to judge ourselves for the awareness we are gaining. The more we can develop a little detachment, a witness self that can have some compassion, the more we can start getting to know who we really are – with Love, instead of allowing the critical parent/disease voice to shame and beat us up for our self discovery.

I am a capable person. (I really can or will learn to do anything…That is me!)
I am a competent person. (I can do things well. Pretty much anything, well.)
I am an intelligent person. (I do learn well and realize that all the time…)
I am a worthwhile person. (I am valuable, people around me value me too.)
I can dare to take a risk. (Take a good risk…Not a codependent one, K.)
I can dare to see what I see. (It is shocking and a relief as well when I do that…)
I can dare to think what I think. (see previous)
I can dare to question anything. (I am not a bad, critical person when I do that.)
I can dare to feel what I feel. (This is overwhelming…Still trying to get there)

I can say what I feel. (I AM able to do that…and in good ways)
I can ask for what I want. (I am a loving person who does not want unreasonable things.)
I am free to be me. (Oh, the discovery…)
I do not need to prove myself. (Would like to get used to this idea.)
I am entitled to good. (Like the idea of getting used to this too. Luckily I have begun to give myself ‘good’… Good food, good breaks, good help, good friends, good silence…)

Much of this is from: http://joy2meu.com/jump_start_recovery.htm

And I Discover in HOrror that I am LIving my Mother’s LIfe (!!)

This has been a bit of a relief but mostly a shocker and disappointing to realize that I have wasted so much time perpetuating another person’s (and her mother’s!) pattern…

– i have latched onto people because they acted like I was the best thing since sliced bread even though they did not know me from Eve…

– I have freaked out about a breakup (maybe all of them!) as though we had been married, kids, divorced and he stole a few of my organs…

– I have been working and traveling and studying but all in wait. In wait for something and I have not even known what it was…But I have been waiting for whatever my mother has been waiting for… The man to come so that everything will be better (and she was probably doing it because her mother did the same, waiting for her husband to come home from the war, or from the coal mines… Wow, I am buried in legacy…and don’t even know my own life…!

– I have been doling out guilty trips and having pity parties for years…

– i have been procrastinating and waiting for someone to acknowledge my ‘struggle’…every day…

– I have been resentful and jealous of those who move on easily

– I have been holding onto fear and flabbergastedness (at what happened to me as a kid) for decades

– I have been looking outwards instead of in

– I have hidden

I am so sad that I have forsaken my own life for this long, my choices, my freedoms…

Distinguish between my life and the vicarious living of my mother’s…