Monthly Archives: April 2017
When nothing else feels good.
Because it is an admittance of how I feel.
Because it means I give in.
Because I deserve to cry.
Because whatever is making me cry needs to get out. Crying is a way to get that out…
Because it is one of the few times that how I feel trumps how I think I need to be.
How many times have I tried to write about what feels true for me? And felt it, and felt how real it was. And then changed gears right back to mask world, space suit girl. How can one live with their feelings all the time? How can one be aware and live with what one truly feels all the time?
How can I sit here and feel. And then act on my needs?
I need to be ‘in’ myself all the time.
A lot of trauma stuff is coming up today.
Realizing the fact that I feel unsafe almost everywhere.
Realizing that I don’t trust myself to put myself in a safe place. That I don’t know any safe places. Realizing that when I put myself near Gave…that I felt unsafe. Because I didn’t believe my own feelings. I didn’t trust my own feelings. And yes, my own feelings are real but not true. But how do I deal with that? My feelings are real but not true. When I do feel unsafe what do I do? How do I make myself feel safe? How do I make a space safe?
How do I accept that if I can not make a space feel safe that I want to leave?
I usually don’t feel an option…I don’t feel like I have a choice. So, I stay in an uncomfortable place.
GL, I feel more than a physical connection with you.
I have been afraid to reveal it. I know that I have been afraid to reveal it because I felt the feeling in my stomach when you didn’t ask me on another date. When you stood there and looked at me like you wanted it to magically happen by jedi-mind-tricking me. When you asked in a roundabout way…like you wanted me to say yes before you asked.
Because I feared you may exploit that.
The first night we spent together.
I went over to your house…I dropped an expectation then. An expectation that you would treat me well. I tried to hide that. I dove into what I thought was a crap situation and made it crap before he could. I just went to the bedroom.
Because I could not sit on the sofa and talk. Because I was afraid I could not stave him off. I was afraid I would lose the battle. So I just forfeited. I was so afraid to sit and talk. I was so afraid to face his pain. I was so afraid to make out with him and have to stop him from going further. I was so afraid to show myself, to show my awkwardness, to be awkward…uncontrollably, to look scared and vulnerable. I was afraid to react with trauma-stuff. I was afraid to be faced with being seduced. I was afraid of feeling the pressure to do more than I want to do.
I want more than sex meets.
I wanted more than tea at 8pm on a Sunday night.
I wanted to talk more. I wanted to see your face more. I wanted to walk more.
I’m not good at dealing with how I feel. I not good at revealing point blank how I feel.
I am terrified of someone’s response to how I feel. I’m so scared that your response will be really hurtful. Condescending, dismissive, erasive, patronizing, exasperated…
I feel more than a physical connection with you.
I don’t know what to do about it.
I feel that the fate of my feelings is at the mercy of…you.
Can something more come from just having sex?
I got my tea and carrot cake so that I didn’t have to wait for him to be nice to me. I didn’t want him to fail being courteous in front of me. I didn’t want to have to choose ‘no’ when he started to interact with me and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to have to face the fuck-ups. I want the nice guy, but I do not want to have to go through the not-nice-guy in order to get there. I am afraid of everything. I didn’t let him buy my tea because (he would feel entitled to something). To what? To the time we spent together going a certain way.
- I did not feel that I could choose to not enjoy myself
- I didn’t not feel like I could choose how much time we spent, where we went, how I reacted to him, whether I agreed with him.
- Just buying a drink or tea means I have to act a certain way.
I couldn’t say ‘I like you’ at the end of the date/meet. Because…I didn’t allow myself to believe that he liked me.
- I didn’t all
He didn’t like that I ordered my tea and carrot cake first because then it really didn’t resemble any kind of date.
I wanted a buffer between meeting someone and having to act the way someone expects me to.
It takes a long time to get to know someone. I want that time to be mine as well as someone else’s.
I want to know that when I share how I feel that I have a safe place to sit or be while they react. That I am safe from their reaction.
I realize now, that he wanted to know whether I was enjoying being with him–and acting like he wasn’t there was not a good way to show him…
I wanted to keep the space and he wanted the space to get smaller…so that he knew something.
If I like someone I am even that much more terrified.
When a normal person likes someone — they leave space for them to come over. then they reach out.
I didn’t give him any signs…except listening.
I didn’t reveal anything about me – except that I had personal issues that were involved with me not finishing my Phd.
Do I know how to let things in. Do I know how to let things about me be revealed?
Do I have the protection mechanisms I need, the safety latches I need when someone starts to come to close? Can I say or do something really straightforward? Can I say what I really think?
I ordered by carrot cake and my tea before him — and that was just another way of keeping space between us.
- Autonomy – didn’t want to be constrained by someone else…in any way
- I also talked intellectually instead of personally (didn’t ask his thing about the kid and the drop-off)
- could explain my take on the film thing because I am afraid to reveal how personal I think public and social processes are.
- I felt nervous about touching his hand because I was afraid it was a trick. What would he take from me if I let him touch me?
- I am so afraid of the connection because I give everything. And I am not sure how to take care of my boundaries and my life when I am really into someone.
- How do I feel so much for someone and keep my side of life on track at the same time?
– I am afraid of masculine privilege.
– I am afraid of not being visible or entitled or even valued or important in the presence of a male who I am attached to. I have the tendency to put him on a pedestal and then lose perspective on my role in the relationship.
- I am afraid of the pattern they play out. Because I don’t know how to play out my own pattern.
- I feel so vulnerable to someone buying me tea or anything. Me going to their house. Spending my time, sharing my smile. How do I keep them for myself?
When I went to Gave’s the first time I was so afraid to sit on the sofa and talk to him. Because I could not give any good reason why I was there then, at that time, in his house. When I liked him more than that. I had more respect for myself than that. I had higher hopes for our next meeting than that.
But I acted like this was the only option I had. I acted like it was my last chance.
I needed to know his intentions. But he didn’t reveal. No, I didn’t ask. I was afraid to. I already felt scared and vulnerable. There was so much to find out about him. The guy with the most on his profile, who had revealed the most, was the most interesting…I felt like I knew the least about, I wanted to find out the most about.
Do I tell him that? He has revealed so little about himself…personally. He has revealed things…but when I am not revealing anything he is not either.
What is the way out of this? I have a feeling I can’t go back.
What can I do NOW? I want to undo it or change it or alter…something.
Please – U – tell me what I can do?!!!!!!!!! Please?!!!!!!!!!!!! I need your guidance with this.
On a less emotional level–
I can talk to him about my philanthropic interests in kids…
On a more emotional level–
I can be affectionate
- but he said (why so sentimental?)
did he say that because I hadn’t been?
or did he say that because he does not want more than sex?
My intention was not to completely distance you from the beginning. It was the only way I knew at the time how to maintain a safe space. I know it just felt like or looked like space or alienation, now I know that. But I really need to feel like someone acknowledges my boundaries in an open way before I feel good about revealing myself on a deeper level.
You probably don’t get how vulnerable it feels to be me. Or to be a woman in this dating thing, nor do you know anything about my own past or relationships. And you don’t leave room for possibilities that make sense outside of your own personal experience. I am supposed to cater to your perceptions, expectations or to convention before I am supposed to cater to my own feelings and comfort levels.
I regret alienating you. I regret not giving a clear message. But here it is
I feel more than just physical attraction to you.
I wanted you to touch me on our first date(meet).
I didn’t want to go to your house for ‘tea’ as the second time we met. If I did, I really did want to cuddle, and sleep. I did want to do that all the time. I still want to. I want to talk. I want to hear you. I want you to see me.
I don’t know what to do when you do see me. But I want to find out.
I oversee myself – and the Universe oversees me…
I have been scared to get out of bed all of these years because…it has not felt safe. And I have not felt authorized to do anything.
When I was a kid my actions and feelings and being was so policed that I developed a complex. I was careful about EVERYTHING and EVERYone and I am still that way. I know more, and I know how to do more and I run in different circles and bigger circles, but I only broadened my horizons ‘relatively’. I have still be afraid to get out of bed. I have still been afraid to take initiative and speak and do and act and feel out loud.
Because I have yearned for someone to supervise me, watch over me. Call me in for dinner and take care of the things about myself that I was not able to take care of before.
And because I was afraid that I was completely alone as a result of no supervision.
Even in the last couple of weeks are began to see outside of all of this. In the last many months I ‘saw’ the ‘supervision’ paradigm…as a paradigm… Something I constructed. The reason for why I have stayed in school for all of this time.
But I needed to make the rest of the links.
I Supervise me
I have a connection to the world, just like everyone else.
How does that look in practice?? Hm?!
Let us just see now then.
I want to bawl my eyes out.
Because I am so upset
That he does not love me.
In the past…I would have made this situation much worse, I think. I think I would have humiliated myself much worse…Made him the object of my obsession in much more active ways. Right now I find it absolutely torturous to not contact him…even just for 3 days. I want to put myself through a window or something…Because that’s how my body feels right now.
It’s that second arrow.
All of this time I am spending on my own. Alone. Lonely.
I notice in the car that I have someone traveling with me. No radio. No podcasts. Just silence. And I have a passenger. A deep one.
I am walking around with her everyday. And she is very upset.
Right now she is absolutely inconsolable. She is angry and crying and having a delirious fit. And she is uncomfortable and waiting and impatient and entitled.
And she is shooting the second arrow at me…?
GL doesn’t call, text. Anything. And she, the passenger, shoots the second arrow at me. “What did you do?” “How did you fuck it up?” She wants an explanation? She wants things to turn out right this time? She is blaming me for being alone? She is having a temper freakout because he is not doing what I thought he would.
Just like it happened with my mother?
That second arrow. As though it is my fault. As though everything that happens is my fault. So, I spend all of this time regretting my actions. Instead of…acting appropriately. I spend all of this time trying to think of ways to reverse things. Or change things. Or figure out why. Because leaving it as is for some reason feels excruciating…
What is important in my life that I can not see? What else is there for me to do that I am not doing?
Things for me to do in life.
What do I care about?
It’s another hour or two later and I still want to cry.
Cry even more because I don’t see a way out of this.
Even if I go ‘cool’ at this moment…I am so embarrassed that he saw me be uncool for so long. And I can’t take it back. And he will remind me of it.
Is it real? I sat in my appointment with my therapist this morning and (what I thought was ‘unfortunately’) talked almost the whole time about things that had happened with GL on the weekend. Eventually I really got the point of saying how confused I was. How ashamed I was of keeping on going with what feels like a purely sex-driven relationship on one hand, and on the other hand feels like one of the most grounding things I’ve been involved in with someone… Then I started to cry. As I almost am right now, writing this. I feel pretty connected to this guy. Like pretty connected. In that we talk…heatedly all the time. And we do it to figure things out. Not to destroy… He seems to want to figure shit out. And then keep going. And I LOVE that. Cause I want to figure shit out too…
I think he wants to know that I am not a jerk or a narcissist or an alien…or someone with no consciousness of how to get along in the world.
I knew that I was going against conventional norms. I knew that I was doing something that was going to be completely of the map…by ordering my tea first. Ordering without asking him. Just taking my time and my space. I knew it.
I was trying to argue that what I was doing was ok…when…
- I knew others would think it wasn’t…or would wonder about it. AND
- I knew that it was ok for me, to me, to do that.
convention, vs personal…ggrrrrr.
Man — that was so difficult a place to get to. That realization that there can be both. That there IS.
I was just afraid to take the liberty of doing and being myself…all of the time before…
Why do tears come when I think of this? When I realize the freedom I have? When I think of revealing that? Because it is a release. A relief…to feel like…I can have a reason, and someone else should be interested. And they can not tell me that I am a shit person, that I don’t care…that I don’t care about them? That I am unacceptable?
I have done less acceptable things in my opinion. Like gone over to his house in the middle of the night when he invited me. Like not leaving at a half decent time. Staying because I felt comfortable staying. And because I was trying to make the booty call thing less of…a booty call thing.
Of all of the shit he does with me that is…not within acceptable conventions. Conventions of what to do if you want to spend time with someone. What to do if you like someone. What to do if you want someone to know that you like them. What to do if you want to see someone again? What to do if you want to give someone a good impression? Or not give them a bad impression? What crosses the line?
He hasn’t asked me to do anything but come over to his place.
Why did he stick around and not leave Bampot? Why did he overlook it for the moment and then ask me for another date? Is his approach to me the way it is because he doesn’t know if I am ‘unacceptable’? Is he staying safe, at a distance, until he knows whether I will do that again?
Why don’t I care about convention when I am getting to know a guy? Why don’t I want to commit to convention? Because it all ends up in a girl being in the vulnerable dis-empowered position in the relationship. Everything ends up with the girl waiting. With the girl accepting and not being able to disapprove or express dis-satisfaction with something that is happening.
…I assume he is not going to respect me. I’m afraid of getting steamrolled. I am afraid to bending over and getting fucked. Or at least someone else taking all of the liberties. And that is what he is doing now.
I want to not respect him before he disrespects me.
He knows that it is not good, that it does not feel good for me to be that last thing on his list of things to do each week…or even less often. But he does it anyway. He never asks what’s going on with me and whether HE can fit in…
At least he is honest…(?).
Fuck — things just got real today. Letting all of that sink in. Something is real.
And the solution is always—creating an empowered, happy, fun life.