Monthly Archives: October 2015
But these aren’t any of them:
Not knowing what’s around the next beautiful bend in the path.
If you go regularly you get to see the baby swans or the crested ducks grow up until you can’t recognize them from their parents.
All of these definitely take one’s mind off of the excuses we had for not going to the park in the first place… 🙂
I have been living this out for decades and not realizing it. Over and over again. My actions are coming clearer, my motivations, my mistakes, my self-sabotage.
I have gone into relationships with the understanding that another person’s need for or awe of me will change an unconscious understanding that I am here by mistake. The other person always seems to see something in me that will change their negative inner self concept too… But for me, most importantly, I take someone’s fascination with me, ‘attraction’ to me as a sign…and almost an unconscious contract that they will commit to loving me in a way that will correct or break a “spell”. The spell that has had me trapped in a constant, never ending, broken record kind of search for freedom from the understanding that I was a mistake and had to suffer through that, forever.
What if I don’t see people’s reactions to me through that lens anymore?
What happens if I am moving along without the understanding that I need to be saved from feeling like I am extraneous, of less value, dispensable?
What if I don’t have those underlying fears, feelings or sensations any more?
I did this exercise…
I rushed through it a little, because it was intimidating… But I did it and came out of it with a result.
When I imagined looking at myself in the mirror and asked if I love myself as much as the other person, I realized that, when I got past looking, when I got past knowing that I appreciate me as a person ‘figure’… I realized that the thing that I don’t ‘love’ about myself is the way I feel.
I don’t love how I feel. About things. About others. About myself. Feelings of sadness. Fatigue. Resignation. Cynicism. Pretending to be strong and impenetrable when I am wounded. A messy emotional blob I am, walking around.
And then I also realized…Well, according to the types of things I am reading, according to the meditation practice I am following…my feelings are not who I am. These feelings are caused by my experience of the world. But I am deeper than that. I am that which is aware of this. If I am not my feelings. If I am not my sad choices, actions, interactions…then I could actually love myself for ‘being’. And accept the rest for what it is.
“You have to learn how to take less
responsibility for him(/her) so you
can focus on your own healing.
Sometimes love is letting go so
a person can grow.”
From “My negative qualities” to “My affirmations”
– I am extra baggage. Helpful? No. because it makes me feel like I am an extension of someone else, that my ‘life’ is negatively dependent on someone else. It lets me feel like my existence somehow negatively affects someone else (primarily the people close to me) which makes me feel guilty. This belief also allows me to believe that I can not live a lovely, personally fulfilling and valuable life around other people. Affirmation: My life and life force are not the cause of anyone else’s suffering. My existence does not need and has never needed to survive trials and tribulations. I free myself from blame now and always. I have a lovely and fulfilling life, when I am alone, and when I am with others.
– I am not something my mother wants to see when she wakes up in the morning. Helpful? No, because it means that I do not look forward to waking up in the morning. I do not look forward to people’s reactions to me. It makes me scared of people. It means that I doubt that anyone looks forward to seeing me. Affirmation: I am a miraculous presence. My light and life force shines strong. People experience me as light and positive energy.
– I am a pain the butt because my mother had to feed me and make sure that I did the human things…care for me. Helpful? No. because it makes me feel like caring for me is hard work, unnecessary work, taking attention and energy from other more important tasks. Taking care of me is a ‘task’. Affirmation: Taking care of me is my one and only pleasure in life. The things I do to take care of myself are the most pleasurable, fulfilling, rewarding, splendid, thrilling, enjoyable , gratifying, fun things I ever do.
– I am around only to fill in the gaps in others’ lives. Helpful? No. Because this thought makes me pay attention to everything and everyone around me, and that is exhausting and that eventually makes me physically sick. And I only have a limited understanding of what other people are missing. I am tired and I naturally fail at healing other people. Affirmation: I am brave enough to look at what I am missing in my life instead of others. I exist to learn how to come into and remain in contact with what is required for me to have a wonderful experience.
For the process I follow see: http://www.wikihow.com/Write-an-Effective-Affirmation
Last night I was sitting in my kitchen with a friend eating dinner and the phone rang. It was my ex calling. I ignored the call. And had no intention of replying. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel “slippy” though.
The recovering, and the codependent sides of me are still battling each other.
Soon after my friend left I began to experience the typical gut pains that I have in the last year or two whenever I’m in contact with my ex – I’m still putting myself through the wringer for something…
After a while I picked up the phone and called him back . Maybe believing that if there is something good on the other end it would make the gut pains go away.
Why do we (victims of abuse)do that!? Why is a thought (a hope) more powerful than the painful reality of the neglectful and abusive relationship? What other thoughts were ruling my actions?
This morning I watched a short YouTube video: “Negative thoughts are good!” I thought, I must be thinking something negative about myself in order to return his call. And how can I look at my negative thoughts for their usefulness?
I think the ugliest feelings I have in those moments are that, I am expecting too much of him, and I should put up with something shitty if I really care about him. I often confuse myself when I’m trying to work through this stuff, because I don’t distinguish between thoughts about someone else, and thoughts about myself, or I don’t know which one I’m believing in the moment.
In the video I watched, the vlogger said that, negative thoughts “are reflection of any emotion that desperately needs to surface.”
“I am expecting too much” is, in fact, a negative thought about myself. I am, in fact, very angry and resentful at my ex for ‘criticizing’ me for expecting caring that need from a partner. And I think I am very angry and resentful at myself for giving in over and over again when somebody else says I’m wrong for expecting consistent care, sensibility, and consideration in a relationship.
The other negative thought that comes up is, “why do you keep calling me?!” Exasperation. Wanting to lecture him. Thinking, “he is a manipulative, controlling, opportunistic, insensitive, selfish addict.”
The vlogger on the video said that we must give attention to our negative thoughts for the emotions that are trying to get through, those parts of us that are suppressed, or stuck within us.
I think emotionally, I am fed up. I am fed up with everyone who has told me that I can’t expect to get what I need in a relationship. I am fed up with myself for doubting the needs that I have. I am fed up. I resent someone who says they love me but don’t respond to me out of self absorption or selfishness. And I resent myself for yielding to others’ contentions that I should accept that they want to be less than what I desire, for acting like my needs can be negotiated down like the price of a used car or a trinket at a flea market…
The negative thoughts lead me to, “I am fed up.” And “I am fed up” is the brilliant, uncomplicated, non-negotiable truth.
What is a normal human response to being fed up?!?
Thing I did today:
I got out of bed.
Purpose for getting out of bed:
So that I could feed myself, wash myself, live.
Needs I fulfilled.
Human need of hunger, nurture.
Thing I did today:
Purpose purpose for meditating:
to become better at feeling
Need(s) I fulfilled:
– for my feelings to be important.
I was fortunate to listen to a great talk by an AA speaker tonight at an open meeting in my neighborhood. His last anecdote hit a deep place…
He said something along these lines;
“As alcoholics we dig ourselves into a hole, a deep hole that we come to realize we don’t know how to get ourselves out of…” He gave this anecdote that was kind of in the format of one of those ‘a priest walks into a bar…’ jokes, but it was different.
He said he had felt like one of those people deep in his hole, so deep. His mother and friends came along and looked down to see him there. He frantically cried up that he had dug himself this hole and couldn’t get out. His mother made him a nice meal and dropped it down to him. It was great but the great meal didn’t get him out of the hole… His friends dropped him down money and other little favors but he still found himself stuck and unable to get out of his hole. A priest came along so he yelled for help and the priest dropped him down some spiritual literature…the bible and whatever other books, but he still sat there deep in his hole, not knowing how to climb out. Along came an alcoholic in recovery. He yelled up to the alcoholic, ‘I’ve dug this hole and I’m stuck in here, please help!’. The alcoholic immediately jumped down into the hole with him, and he responded, ‘hey, what did you do that for?! Now we’re both stuck down here!’ and the recovering alcoholic said, ‘Oh, don’t worry, I know the way out.’