Monthly Archives: December 2012
The little girl that I was was the most tender and accommodating little girl. She got hurt not because she was weak, but because others weren’t strong. This little girl grew her strengths in directions she shouldn’t have needed to. And now as a woman she has to learn to see and love the strength in this little girl’s and her own vulnerability. So counter-intuitive after such dangerous and mean experiences.
Strength is in one’s ability to be oneself despite how others have tried to crush that self.
This is going to be a difficult transition
I always that though love, my value, came from someone’s desperate or intoxicated professions of love and admiration for me.
Love for me is not there… Those professions are illusions, mirages of love. Cruel mirages.
Love is in the actions I take to care for myself. And in the trust I have that I am here to just be me. The trust that I have value in my own self-actualization. The painful and joyful self-actualization. Love is in the trust that everything I am, even the fear, resentment and frustration…even the indulgence in my own joy are necessary for my life every moment of every day.
I would like to face the fact that
– I don’t like thinking that I have an emotional condition that can never be healed
– I don’t know how to take complete responsibility for myself
– I deny myself safety and sanity and self-love
– I think I am or need to be perfect
– I can’t stop looking for my worth, happiness, joy outside of myself and my higher power
– I don’t know if I trust my higher power or how much…
I am resourceful: I find ways to get things done.
I am imaginative/creative:
I am analytical:
I am insightful:
I am perceptive:
I have self-restraint:
I am emotional:
I am gentle:
I am fierce:
I am protective:
I have subscribed to taking care of myself by
– preparing myself for difficult moments/days/occasions; I booked and went on a silent retreat for the few days before my 40th birthday. It was a wonderful gift for myself because I met kind people, I fed myself superbly, I had a comfortable bed, I gave myself distance, I sat with myself for hours on end, I let myself find peace and calm.
– I planned and had a little birthday party for myself with my closest friends. I had it at an amazing restaurant with fantastic wine, and I let myself enjoy it. I endulged myself in the kind people I have around me and didn’t worry about the money or about G. I felt pretty and powerful and deserving.
– when my brother and his family came I ordered myself a birthday cake. A good rich chocolate birthday cake from the bakery down the street.
– I exercise to take care of my body every day.
– I go to meetings at least 3-4 times a week. Last week I went on sunday, step study monday, wednesday, friday, saturday, sponsee on sunday again
– I’ve decided to go to Tokyo with two friends for christmas and new years. This means I will be away from G – it will be a reprieve for me, and I will do as much as I can of what I want.
– I book yoga workshops every once in a while so that I have that to look forward to.
– I go a temple to meditate once or twice a week, for guidance.
– I listen to guided meditations pretty much everyday to remind myself to come back to myself.
– I listen to AA talks because they make me feel plugged into the world, they help me understand the craziness of my life and of the lives of those I have shared my life with. They guide me towards putting my trust in the idea that I will be okay if I trust in the power that really nourrishes me in this world. My higher power has kept me alive all of this time.
– I remember certain things about my young life that help me to feel human, feeling, caring towards myself, unbeaten. I walked up to my neighbors when I was 7 or 8 in order to save myself from fear and craziness. To save myself. I saved myself. Even at 7 years old.
– I want to learn how to save myself at 40 years old. I want to learn to cast off this feeling of obligation to be someone else’s punching bag. Someone else’s justification. I want to believe that I am more than someone else’s reason for…anything.
– I go to therapy to give myself a resource. So that I don’t feel alone. I look to be honest with myself, I look for people to help me be honest with myself.
– I look for balance.
– I am thankful: I thank the world for providing me with life today, with fresh air, with a cat that loves me, with the possibility of living a better life, with people who find me nice to be around, for people who praise me sincerely, with the possibility of feeling free without feeling doom and guilt and failure.
– I am willing to look for a way to stop feeling doom, guilt and failure for taking care of my feelings and my body.
I am in 2 12-step programs. Neither of them is AA, but I listen to AA speaker mp3’s and I get such amazing insights into myself. This one speaker I was listening to today said that, when he began to drink, time didn’t matter; what he had to do, who was waiting for him didn’t matter. I really am the exact same, but it is with destructive relationships. When that guy who is my preoccupation of the moment is around, waits for me, needs something for me, the rest of my world seems to melt away.
I am flabbergasted at the nature of addiction.
Addiction to drugs & alcohol
Addiction to relationships…
Addiction to anything
All tied to a self-destructive need.
I walk around (or sit down, or lie down) a lot, painfully aware that I do not know what to do next. I have a huge list of things to do, literally, for work, for home, for christmas, miscellaneous errands, etc, so yes, I know what I HAVE to do. The thing is that inside I don’t know WHAT to do. I don’t know what to do NEXT. I don’t know what I WANT to do. I don’t know what I NEED so I don’t know what to do. My radar or intuition or sensitivity is dull…offline…tired out.
And I realized this morning, as I woke up and thought about going to yoga class (which was not on my ‘schedule’ per se, I only looked up the schedule and decided last night that I might go), I was pulled gently towards that idea and I thought to myself that there were more reasons, or simply more compelling reasons for me to go to yoga today (as opposed to yesterday…).
And as I walked to yoga I felt energy, spiritual energy, from anticipation (both positive and fearful) that I can only express as feeling both ‘hot’ and ‘cold’. Not hot flashes, people. Remember that game that we played when we were kids, where someone hid something and then you looked for it and they told you if you were hot or cold based on how close or far away you were from the thing they hid?
That is my best way to describe how I have been feeling for months, if not years. Being able to read my own spiritual needs, happiness, satisfaction is based on listening or observing myself and whether I am feeling hotter or colder. Not that I have paid that much undivided attention to even that.
Today, on my way to yoga, I felt warmer (with little streaks of cold) but generally warmer. Hot and cold are undeniable feelings. We know the difference. I don’t know the difference between feelings of comfort and discomfort in my own self, but I can recognize hot and cold. I may have discover another way that I move forward.
Last night, for example, I decided to go to an ACA meeting (first one!). I had VERY mixed feelings. But thinking about it I felt warm, not cold. And when I went to the meeting I also felt warm (lukewarm), although I felt trepidation…I felt like a stranger, like I was coming into a tight knit thing that was already so made up that I was a nuisance. But I still felt warm. Interesting that I think I felt warm because I was providing myself with something that was going to respond to a need or needs that I have…not because other people were ‘warm’ towards me per se.
I am always moving towards where I will be, and in some moments I feel I am hotter than others – more in the right direction, better oriented, etc., than others.
Thank you for a place in the world today. Even in today’s grey, gloomy, rainy day I can do and be and go where I need to…
– thinking about ways to avoid g when he calls/texts
– believing and treating yourself like your anger is bad, that it makes you ugly; for hiding your anger for that reason, for letting it stew and build up
– for accepting disregard and disrespect from people that say they love you
– for looking for the answers somewhere else; for not trusting you have the answers
– for giving my peace and happiness all away
– for allowing your happiness to depend on others
– for not telling people how I really feel about them
– for staying in situations when I was only suffering, not thriving
– for reproducing pain and cruelty and throwing it back like mud pies
– for going to bed without washing my face and brushing my teeth
– for staying with someone when I disrespect their actions
– for making that person feel worse than I needed to
– for making someone feel uncomfortable by staying around them when I was uncomfortable…
– for not looking for guidance and strength from my higher power…
– for keeping myself hostage
– for not allowing myself rest
– for not allowing myself enjoyment (I act like my mom!! Holy crap – like I am home suffering while everyone else is out enjoying…). I deserve to have fun… What do I want to do for fun?
– sit with the peace I have from the meeting, with the hope, with the caring and compassion, with the learning, the listening, the humility, the patience, the revelations, the love people are finding for themselves.
– sit with the distinction between how I can feel and how I have let myself feel for so long
– write down the ways in which I have hurt myself
– write down the things I have remembered, the babysitting situation, the lying, the stealing/eating(?), talking badly about my mother, talking badly about my brother,
– the fact that when I think about going out with everyone that I think about drinking in order to loosen up and show tenderness or sensitivity or happiness, to enjoy myself without inhibitions or the voice in my head that tells me to be self-conscious and be what I ‘should’ be (my mother taught me that, and Greg said that too…I have to look right. Act right… Be something…)