Monthly Archives: June 2012

Review today

Started going to coda meetings, again.

Realized in a meeting that, although I feel constantly as though people are telling me what to do, even as I bike Down the street, they are not. I was free on the bike home. Really no one was telling me what to do or where to go.

Realized that I do have a god complex. I think I know everything, am afraid to bring myself down to a level that I can face my faults.

I was negative with my friend. She can’t help but make ‘suggestions’ constantly,and I can’t hear my own self think. I thought, I need to pray for her, and myself.

I have attitude. And it’s not useful to me. I don’t accept people the way they are.

Thank you today:
For beautiful weather
For my bike back
For carrot muffins.
For a friend.
For water.
For yoga.
For some patience I had with myself. Good job.

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Recovering

Give myself what I try to get from others. Give myself what I give to others.

– attention

– admiration

– approval

– unconditional love

– warmth

– thought

I hope you had a good day today, Karrie.

I love you, Karrie

What is your schedule like tomorrow, Karrie? Do you need any help with anything tomorrow, Karrie?

Would you like me to take you anywhere tomorrow, Karrie?

Would you like me to pick you up anywhere tomorrow, Karrie?

Do you need the office space to yourself tomorrow, Karrie?

Let me know if you need anything, Karrie.

I am proud of you for working so hard emotionally today, Karrie.

Thank you for today, Karrie.

I love you, Karrie

See Today’s Choice… This Year’s Choice.

I chose peace over my abusive boyfriend.

And just like when I chose to defend myself or protect myself, or exercise my power when I was little, I feel insane guilt. Guilt because he thinks or pretends that he thinks that he is ‘not that bad’… that there have been ‘good reason’ for what he has done’… Same excuses I got from my parents. My mom for sure.

Should I feel guilty for protecting myself? No.

Should I feel guilty for choosing a path to peace instead of a path on perpetual denial and rationalization? No

I feel hurt because he does not love me. I feel so much pain because he can’t see through his to love me.

I don’t know why I saved myself sometimes, I feel so much pain for being so far away from him.

I will find out though. And in the meantime…

Lowest Point now.

This is going to be difficult.

I am overwhelmed with the personal work that lies ahead of me. I’m so tired already. Of everything.

All I could do yesterday was pray. To whatever my higher power is. Pray to forgive myself.

And admit that I have reached the threshold of the point of no return.

Face how angry I am. Face who I am, not who I could have been if I hadn’t experienced all of these things.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have gone crazy. I am crazy for having done this for so long. I have participated and enabled, and felt guilty and disgusting for months if not years, from the time I felt he was trying to prove something, which was pretty early on. And I just looked like a fool to those people. They used me, G and every single one of them used me to justify their own mean outlook and opinions.

G’s stories that he tells himself trap me. I let myself be confined by his stories. I have talked sense into him so many times… And it would be required for the rest of his life.
Right now I am trapped by what he said the other day, that I would call the police about something ridiculous. I think that means something true about me…because he believes (not really) it. But it’s only there. Not here, in me.

I pray for him – maybe someday he will want to be true with himself.

And me?
Face how I felt all of these terrible moments, and therefore all of the moments when I was young. Face that people did these things to me, so that I can move on.

Forgive myself for not expressing how I felt, for being so helpless when

– my mother handed me the phone (when I was 9 or 10) to tell my Dad that we didn’t have any money for Christmas. I was so pissed off with her – using me as though I agreed with everything she said or did. I knew it was wrong. And she deserved for me to be angry with her. I glared at her, upset, angry, fed up, even at that age.

– my mother asked me if she was hard on me and I had no choice but to say no, because I could not contend with the consequences if I said yes. It was no contest. I hated her for asking me to lie to her. She asked me to lie to her without asking me to lie to her. She wasn’t using me for good reason. She was using me, period. She deserved my anger and resentment, and distrust. She used and manipulated me, and by being less loyal to her, I became her enemy. That was my power, taking away my loyalty.

– my mother said “what if I didn’t come home tomorrow?” [I was so angry with her for threatening to not be there when I felt she wasnt there already.] I was justified in taking my trust and respect from her.

– my mother and Robert and his mother sat in front of me and discussed what Robert did and I said nothing, and watched my mother negotiate with them at my expense. They did not allow me to have a voice. They called me a liar. Robert smiled at me in defiance, right there, in front of them. I let my mother silence me. Watched my mother belittle my experience, ignore and ‘correct’ my anger. Let myself be silenced. I was right to feel alone. I was right to think of a way to take control of my own safety, take control of my own life and make sure that Robert knew that he did not get away with it. I was justified in losing faith in my mother. i can forgive her, but she does not get trust and faith from me. She can love me, but she loses my faith, trust, loyalty, need for her because she let me see that my feelings, my innocence, my body were not safe, even in our own home. I will always defend my anger about that. I am a whole person, and will not be treated any less without frustration and anger. i deserve a whole person’s respect, caring.

Forgive myself for feeling shame so much that I could not defend myself. Shame for being scared of John (Dad). Shame for not eating the toast he gave me, anger at him as he forced me to eat the toast. I no longer give him control over how I should feel. I felt he was an animal. I did not do anything to him. Me having a preference was ‘misbehavior’ to him. No more. My preferences are true, real, and will get respect from me. And I will have respect or you will have none of me.

– the kid next door came to the door to get me to go out into the woods and ‘play’ with him. The frustration I felt with my mother for not knowing what happened. The frustration I felt as we sat in his mother’s livingroom and she pleaded with my mother to not do anything about it. I watched both times… Robert and Keith… as my mother negotiated my innocence, security, and trust away. I was appalled, terrified, outraged. I would see my mother as a liability from then on. She was a liability. I had to take control of my own life, at the age of…4… or 5? I had to find ways to be powerful.

– every time we went to Aunt Anne & Uncle Peter’s Mom ‘prepared’ me to be loyal to her. She didn’t want me to share ‘our’ business. She wanted me to act like I was her faithful daughter who was great with her. She wanted me to be dishonest. She wanted me to lie for her. She wanted me to be invisible in front of people that could actually see what was going on. She wanted me to compromise myself. She took my self away. And I hated her for it. Perfectly normal to hate someone for taking your self away, especially when they are taking advantage of your fear, love, loyalty, shame…

– John had spontaneously decided to wake me up out of a dead sleep and smack the shit out of me for eating chocolate easter eggs out of his sidetable. He was a monster and i was terrified of him. That is the truth. That is the reality. And my mother stood right there but left me alone, all at the same time.

– John tried to stop me from crying by smothering me with a pillow. He wanted another truth. He wanted a truth that did not exist. He was a liar. And he made me pay for his cruelty. Forgive myself for not telling someone, for not screaming. Forgive myself. I could not take control. I could only hate him, and be scared of him. And that was nothing to be ashamed of. Any person on the planet has that natural reaction. Fear, rage…at being physically and emotionally abused.

I was scared of John from the beginning.

Forgive myself for not defending myself. Forgive myself for getting myself into future situations where people were scary, cruel, dishonest, deceitful, disloyal, untrustworthy, manipulative, exploitative, resentful, mean to me.

Forgive myself for not defending myself, for not fighting back, for not making them accountable for what they did to me, for keeping my feelings under cover because they wanted me to, because that was the only way i got favor. I was the ‘good’ girl for being the quiet girl.

Forgive myself for fighting back. Forgive myself for taking control. Be proud of myself for taking control. I may have climbed the cliff because it was too dangerous to hang around our house. Kieth was nearby. Forgive myself for being angry at my mother, and father, for resenting them and being scared of them. I was perfectly justified. I am a human being with a sense of self worth, and that is the proof. I had power. I used my power.

I will not be the ‘quiet’ girl now. I will voice my fears and frustrations, and disgust with people who do not care for those who are more vulnerable. With people who give themselves to you. With people who have done nothing but nice things. Or even for people who have done nothing but exist. I only existed. And I paid dearly for it. And I have let myself continue to pay for it.

I was looking for the power to control my own life when I climbed Eagle’s Rock so young. I have been looking for the power to control my own life. I was trying to take it, when I sat in a tree and waited for Robert to walk by so I could call him an asshole. I sat there and waited, and he walked by and I whispered loudly – “asshole”. I had power.

I couldn’t exercise my own power when my mother picked up Keith one day after the incident. She picked him up in our car to give him a drive…! I asked her why she did that, because I was beside myself.

I am angry and that is perfectly acceptable and perfectly justifiable. I felt alone and emotionally destroyed, and scared, and terribly angry.

I was angry with her for the rest of my young life. I am still angry with her. My anger is justified.

I do not have to find small covert ways to have power over my life now. I am 39. It is long time that I express my power by drawing clear, and if I want, blatant lines to show people where they cannot go with me.

You cannot have control of my time. You cannot have control over my emotions. You cannot have control over what I see and what I think. I am a very kind, compassionate, loyal, careful and caring person. And if you take advantage of these things about me you will experience loss. Loss of me.

I kindly and caringly take control of my own life. My own preferences. My own opinions. My own feelings. My own views. My own space. My own environment.

I have always been after control of my own life. Today I have control. I will exercise power over my own life today. I will love life today, because I have power over my own.

I didn’t need to prove to the alcoholic how much I hurt.

I needed to become aware of how much pain I was in.

I can not do anything.

I can not write.

I can not talk.

I can not get up.

I can not be.

I can not.

I can not.

Guilt

Will this guilt go away, for wanting to be happy? How long will it take?

– as soon as I even imagine having a good time, the guilt comes; I can hear the voices – I don’t really care about them, only myself, I am selfish, I am getting more credit than I deserve from all of these people I am with when I am not with you.

Will the feeling of pathetic-ness go away? How long will it take?

Will the feeling of shame go away? How long will it take?

Will the feeling of failure go away? How long will it take?

A More Healthy Relationship…

why am I so scared of that.

why do ‘regular’ relationships ‘bore’ me, or maybe scare me, or why do I think they are not ‘real’ relationships?

– because I will not get forgiveness love in them. Those normal people will not forgive me.

– because I feel inadequate

– because if I choose to not be inadequate, if I choose to not feel I am inadequate, I will not take care of them, and then I will not deserve their love. If I strengthen myself I will not placate, I will not give in, I will not compromise, and then there will be no one to love me. And someone will not have any reason to love me.

– I was taught that there was only love to be had when you took care of someone, especially when it was above and beyond what was ‘normal’ or what you were capable of…

I will not give to something that is not my job, that is not my mess, that I cannot save, that is not healthy.

The world feels cold to someone that has gotten caught up in feeling loved only by those she placates or tries to compensate for. I am not familiar enough with the other kind of relationship(s). I do not know what pleasure will come to me for not compensating for other people’s pain and mistakes. What pleasure will come when I am only taking care of my own life?

I guess, they say, that I will have more to give, more to contribute, to my own family, if I ever have one. I will not take things from them that they should not be asked to give. My children will not feel depleted and emotional bankrupt because I will not have exploited them.

I will be able to enjoy the things that I love (adventure, sports, reading, writing) without guilt…constantly.

I will have focus and attention for the things that I am working on that I want to be great. And you will feel the greatness in them because I had my focus and my energy all to myself to put in them.

Well, that’s three good huge things. Ok, that makes a change sound justifiable.

Myself: How can I love you.

How do I do it – really…?

One Big Fear/Pain

The thing I dread every day is the feeling that makes me respond to people that have made me feel bad.

Why do I hate to respond to people that say they love me and talk about how wonderful I am and how great we are together?

Why do I feel so bad? What is this big, BIG bad feeling I have?

I think I am getting approval from someone who claims I did not do enough for them. I am thinking according to the story they are telling themselves. My mother says I did not help ‘that much’, making me feel like shit. So when she talks at another moment about how great I am she is totally mind-fucking me. I wait for her praise, because she says I didn’t do enough to help or to make her feel good. But I fell for it. Same with Greg. I have made him feel bad (for the bad things he has done…) so I should feel bad and regretful, but I should be happy that he will still accept me because he loves me. I must value his (half-witted) efforts because he says I do not entirely deserve them. Just like I must accept my mother’s neglect, because I only do an inadequate job of being there for her too.

How to get out of this in my mind?

Back to me. Back to valuing me and what I do and how I feel.

Remember, I didn’t do an inadequate job. I was a daughter, not a partner. Daughters are supposed to be taken care of, guided, protected, treasured. Not making up for a mother’s life of pain and abuse.

I didn’t do an inadequate job with G either. I am right to have been upset with the shitty things he did. He should have felt shitty about them. He should have dealt with it himself and apologized for being shitty in our life. I deserve caring and love without having to pay for it. I don’t have to placate someone in order to feel good about being loved, being cared for.

I can refuse caring when it is coming at such a dark and manipulative price.

1) I value my intuition, feelings and actions.

2) I do not accept love that comes at a price.