Monthly Archives: November 2015

My Needs Are…

My needs are legitimate.

I have the choice to not participate in meeting others needs if I have not yet met my own. Or even if I have.

My needs were not being met in my relationship.

I can meet my own needs for acceptance and love, and attention. [not sure how, but I think I can think of something.]

G’s alcoholic needs are self-serving

I feel caught…

I have needs. As I human being, I need to depend on someone. On multiple people. I have legitimate dependency needs. I have legitimate, undeniable, tangible needs. They are here and they are here to stay.

Can I look at them?

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Getting Hooked

Trying to fix something that ain’t broke…

When someone doesn’t do what I hope, what I plan, what I expect them to do…When they don’t do something that is consistent with an imagined scenario in my own head I try to find ways to affect the chain of events. To change what I think the outcome is…even if there hasn’t been an outcome yet.

Whether I know the person or not, my mind strings stories together, gets preoccupied with what I would like to happen…or the time at which I would like to happen.

I can hardly believe how preoccupied I get with things that aren’t happening (or arent happening yet), and with things that I could not possibly know or foresee.

Why I keep myself hostage is beyond me.

I Get Mad When

I feel someone is using me

I feel like I am the only dependable person

I am never having fun

Someone important to me does not act like they respect was I am trying to do.

Or

When I am using myself

When it is my turn to depend on someone else…

When I can’t figure out for myself how to have fun

When I am not respecting myself for what I am trying to do.

 

Things I Do

Things I Do For Approval (out of habit)

  • the dishes
  • the cleaning
  • some of my recovery work
  • school work
  • etc.

Things I Do For Self-Fulfillment

  • walk, hike, run in the park
  • basketball
  • golf
  • garden
  • bikeride
  • soccer
  • eat
  • writing in journal or blog

Being on my own I get to

  1. recharge
  2. take time to reflect
  3. get to know my own emotions (not only the reactive ones but the way I feel when I am not bracing for or riding along on someone else’s ups and downs
  4. do things I am actually interested in
  5. be more productive
  6. have more enjoyable relationships (they suit my own personal patterns)
  7. become more independent
  8. allow the job of making other people happy to be done by those other people.
  9. stop apologizing for things that are not my responsibility or my fault
  10. stop looking elsewhere for validation.

Thanks for the list higherperspectives.com.

Her Control

This is what it looks like:

My Outer Child is blinded by the idea that she needs to ‘survive’. And every day her obstinance feels overpowering. She will not let me live. She keeps me in bed after I wake up because she is scared that punishment is waiting for her. She tries to get stimulation and happy feelings from online because people outside are too unpredictable and even dangerous. She has an absolute freak-out when I let people into our lives, our space, our time and those people abuse the opportunity. She is so on edge.

She avoids anxiety by going back to the slave-kid routine; doing the dishes, doing the laundry, putting things away, trying to please others in the smallest ways in order to get drips and drabs of attention.

She panics. She retreats. She buries herself… She imagines how things could go well, feel better, improve…but waits instead of acting. And she holds onto my leg as I try to get ready to go out to enjoy something. She is afraid for me. Afraid for us.

She refuses to allow me to get a job that is not ‘the perfect job NOW’. She threatens to make things difficult if a plan doesn’t already have a positive outcome…before execution.

Outer child screams at my ex when he has done the same thing over and over.
She rationalizes spending money when I do not have an income.
She gives in to the taste of unhealthy sweet things — she whispers sweet nothings into my ear so I won’t limit myself.
She makes me turn around and go home instead of taking the long walk I planned, because she’s tired or fed up or feeling like no one will like her.
She tells me stories about how people don’t appreciate her.
She uses expressions of disapproval to control me and other people.
She loves when people rave about how much she has survived, how strong and wise she is given what she has made it through…
She tricks people into trusting that she is accepting by being agreeable at the outset.
Outer drags me from task to task when I am trying to focus on one thing.
She points to other people’s mistakes so that she doesn’t have to look at the gaps she’s left in her own stuff.
Denial is meteorological consistency in her life. “Why feel worried about things you should be worried about?! No one else does…!”

Shall I go on…

What Lies Between

For about a week now I have been meaning to sit down and write about a very unexpected realization.

I have read a lot of books and listened to a lot of talks and done a lot of exercises and begun new healthy and mindful habits in these past 3-4 years… And whenever I think I have gotten to the end of my resources…that there might be nothing else to help cross this last distance to get back to ‘me’, I am presented with another insight.

I didn’t expect Susan Anderson’s ‘Outer Child‘ to be helpful because I was afraid that it was just another layer, another piece of work, another piece to add to the overwhelm of how much work I need to do, another thing to remember as I creep through confusing or difficult days… But even just reading the intro to her book was revelatory and even freeing for me.

As I have gotten closer to my ‘inner child’, to ‘seeing’ her, feeling her, listening to her…I have noticed this hard presence inside, an obstinate presence, a woundedness, a constant complaining pain that I can not ever seem to get a break from…like in bad dreams when I am trying to move but can not. The deeper I go the louder the pain is. I have not been able to get really close to Inner Me. Something inside is…wary of comforting my Inner child, dishonest, feeling ill-equipped… Even angry, resentful, like an abandoned dog that is so scared all it can do is snap and growl.

As Anderson’s book, “Taming Your Outer Child” began to describe Outer Child behaviors…my behaviors…I was able to attribute those behaviors to a part of me that I have a really difficult time with, that I am driven by but do not feel in control of…I know it is not my inner child doing those things because she is too young. She doesn’t care about money, or other people, or logistics. I know that my inner child is just sitting quietly, pretty much always just waiting for attention and for me to create a safe, welcoming place for her to come out and play and love innocently. She is behaving herself in the corner of my mind.

The books asks, “What makes you break your diet, or run up your credit card, or be attracted to the wrong people? You know these aren’t healthy things to do, you know you’re sabotaging your own interest, but sometimes you just can’t help it!”

I know that my adult self is not doing these self-sabotaging things, but she is letting it happen. She is feeling overrun…tired, like she wants to give up because there is too much of a mess to clean up, too many chores to do all by herself, and she doesn’t know how to take control of her own self under demanding circumstances… [sounds like my mother]. My adult self didn’t learn to be a mom. Didn’t learn to listen to her ‘responsible’, mature inner voice… She followed my mother’s lead. No information on how to be an adult in my house. On how to take control of things that I am responsible for. My mother passed responsibility on to her daughter…to me.

And, what stands in the way of my taking responsibility for my life is my Outer Child! My having deferred to the growing girl who seemed so ‘mature for her age’, so intelligent. In my mind she is that part of me who by the age of 9 was saddled with too much responsibilities, had so much baggage from her early years, and had developed ways to keep her feelings and other people at a distance so that she could please the volatile people around her and still TRY to be a kid. My Outer Child is me in what is usually referred to as that 2nd cycle of life, from the age of 7-14. For me she is a little girl who learned that she had to be an adult but did not teach her personal responsibility or accountability. My Outer Shantelle learned to freestyle it; take what she thought worked and use it. She had been learning that she was the only person who cared about her feelings, her health, her experiences of the world, but she was still reeling from the loneliness, disappointment, impossible struggles that come with trying to be a self-sufficient person when you are dependent on people who are not dependable, trustworthy… She has gone off the deep end at this point — gotten so caught up in trying to manage my life, my adult life, and I have let her. And she has gone crazy, and her opportunities for play and growth were left behind…

[don’t laugh — I always wondered why, for the longest time, I was so interested in watching Supernanny…]

Yes, my Outer Child is a pretty capable little person, but she has had no routine, no practice or opportunities to truly focus on her own processes. She has been overwhelmed with fullfilling the unrealistic expectations of others (which became her own), and baggage that no one noticed she needed help with. She thinks she is supposed to carry it all, and she thinks that in order to get through life you can not allow learning, feeling, playing to come first. If you do you will die. If you do someone will think you do not have what it takes to make it in this hard world. You will disappoint and not be rewarded even the small bits of praise that you have received in the past.

My Outer Child is my next focus. Even before getting into Anderson’s book I know these key things. That I, as the adult Shantelle,
1) must take responsibility off of Outer Shantelle’s shoulders.
2) I must allow Outer Shantelle the freedom to play and explore, learn at her own pace…no rushing her or calling her home to do work that is not hers…
3) I must also give her caring and consistent guidelines and structure – limits that will keep her safe, AND limits that will not saddle her with undue guilt or anxiety. I am the one who is responsible for HER. And I am teaching her how to be responsible for herself, slowly, kindly, explicitly, consistently…

You know those unruly tweens/teens…? That’s what I have my hands full with for the near future… My own personal responsibility, and patience, guidance, and love for an unruly tween… No longer will she lie between me and Inner Shantelle, she will be able to be who she was meant to be, and be happy with us.

Every One

Everyone’s behavior is somehow tied to a desire to be loved.
We can only deal with that as individuals, our own approach to getting love. Being loved.
Feeling things that we think will make us feel loved.

What do you do to try to get/be loved?

My Birthday (November 5) in:

Saint Catherine’s, Ontario

  
Wolfville, Nova Scotia 

 
New York City, New York. 

  
Toronto, Ontario 

 
Thanks to my obliging friends and family.

It was a very nice day everywhere.

🙂

xo

I Get The Feeling

Scorpio horoscope for Nov, 06, 2015 (The DailyHoroscope)  Scorpio horoscope for Nov, 06, 2015 

 You have a very sensitive constitution, Scorpio. You can sense when good things – or bad things – are coming from miles away. The trouble though, is that sometimes you are so sensitive that you have trouble distinguishing the two. All you can sense at times – like perhaps right now – is that some big change is coming, and that makes you nervous. And, you are even more sensitive than usual because your birthday happens this time of year. So relax. You are right in sensing that some big change is coming – but it’s all for the good. 

 

 

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