Monthly Archives: August 2013
How does one know if you are caring for yourself enough, adequately, in the way that you hope others would care for you?
I did not think there was any simple or accessible answer to this question. The thing is, when I am taking care of myself, there is this silence. The space, that I think we are supposed to come aware of and enjoy through meditation, etc… And I think I don’t notice the space, the silence so much as I notice my discomfort with it.
I have noticed this past week or more though, that that space is there…and that I am craving to go back to it during my days and weeks.
Having space and silence to myself has always felt extremely scary, because someone else would inevitably infringe on it, or tell in some way that I didn’t deserve it and that they did… That space and silence has always brought such guilt and anxiety.
But it is coming together a bit now. That is what keeps me above water, the space and the silence. This morning I made the time and space for myself and I know I was taking care of myself adequately because I felt anxious, but also calm afterwards. I could even enjoy a moment or 3 in the moment…
The thought that came to mind was “Shantelle, you are loving yourself! This is loving yourself!”
It’s unfortunate, to say the least, that feelings and physical sensations don’t always translate into words…
And sometimes, in the moment, the correct words don’t do the feelings and sensations justice.
I wish I was an artist and could expel a picture that would communicate exactly how, and how many feelings I have felt today…
Thank you Higher Power for signs that I am a part of this world, that things affect me and that I have affects on others. Please help me find comfort with the experience of these things.
I was told a couple of years ago to write down my dreams. I didn’t understand until recently what they meant, but I think I know now. These appear to be affirmations, and I guess they are, but they are also my dreams. The things I dream for myself:
I can enjoy beautiful weather, I can let it make me happy. I can let myself be happy.
I can focus on writing today.
I can take ownership of my work.
I can wake up in the morning and be motivated and excited to do the things to care about myself to start my day. I can wake up loving myself. I can wake up loved.
I am thought of by my loved one.
My loved one wants to surprise me because they know I love surprises.
I enjoy moments, in the moment.
I finish my thesis. I feel the accomplishment.
I know my fulfillment, what inspires me.
I discover an occupation that I do from my heart, that I am not afraid to put my whole self into, that I can build on forever.
I love from my heart.
I discover my heart.
I radiate contentment, eager anticipation, heartfelt motivation.
I am at ease, safe, happy, comfortable with my loved one.
I act on my honest feelings.
I have a clean, airy, sunny, home.
I have enough of everything that I need.
I share my fortune in life.
p.s. I never could have thought of let alone written these things down a year ago…
I have come a long way.
Remember that my higher power is watching me AND watching over me.
Remind myself of that as often as I can today.
Make a list of things I want to accomplish today with reasonable expectations.
Book in my enjoyment time and use that time to enjoy something, whatever I want, and ONLY enjoy. Be caring and attentive and allow myself the freedom to worry and stress for moments if I can’t help myself. But remind myself that my higher power will watch over me and won’t let me fall if I am having a good time.
Thank you higher Power
– for watching over me, watching me make mistakes and standing by allowing me to outlive those mistakes
– thank you for the safe drive out of the city this past week and the opportunity to go camping and spend time with friends.
– thank you for a body that takes care of me, takes nourishment, even if it is not always the best nourishment, and wakes up in the morning no matter how tired and gets me through the next day. – Thank you For a safe drive home
– thank you for fresh local vegetables and fruit.
– thank you for a car that gets me to beautiful, quiet and safe places and then back home again.
– thank you for a smooth and quick path to the Drs. appointment I was late for this morning.
– thank you so much for all of these additional weeks days and moments…all of these opportunities to make changes,to find myself, to face my fears, to search for and learn to express love
– thank you for allowing me to be an emotional being anew.
– thank you for watching over me as I faulter and as I rise up
I hope I am getting closer to you.
How does one starts one’s day when they learned the day before that
1) they are in full-flung codependent withdrawal
2) they can love themselves for Free!!
Perfect companion post for my learned lesson today 🙂
Thank you k.
I can do nothing when I feel like it. Because no one’s thinking I am lazy or unproductive will cost me love.
I can make myself laugh if I feel like it. Because no one’s resentment or jealousy of my happiness will cost me love.
I can enjoy anything if I feel like it. Because no one’s sabotage of my fun will take away love for me.
I can take my time if I feel like it. Because my being late will not mean I am not loved.
I can feel pissed off if I feel like it. Because people thinking My anger makes me ugly or bitchy will not mean I am not loved.
I can eat if I feel like it. Because people being jealous I how much I eat and still stay thin will not mean I am not loved. And depriving myself does not bring the kind of love I want in my life.
I can smile if I feel like it. Because hiding my happiness does not bring the kind of love I want.
I can be confident if I feel like it. Because someone looking enviously at my confidence will not take away the love that will come to me.
I can keep myself safe. Because people thinking I think too much of myself does not cost me real love.
I can learn and become more talented. Because knowing more and knowing how to do more does not cost me the love of those I would like to have in my life.
I can decide to NOT help people who do not want to help themselves. Because them thinking I am selfish or discounting does not cost me the love I deserve.
It is an intense day. I will be adding to this entry as the day goes by…I am in awe at the idea that it is perfectly natural for me to need and want to be loved. In a loving way… Crazy strange that I have not (ever that I can remember) conducted myself with that knowledge in mind…
I am human.
I require love.
Love makes me happy.
I stand up straighter today, taller, more whole, with a smile, with a giggle, with some joy…because I do not have to be ashamed for needing to be loved.
For needing to be loved in a way that does not hurt.
For needing to feel a love that lasts.
For wanting an assured love.
For knowing that I will feel human with love.
Just human. So simple, but it means so much.
And if I am allowed to receive love, and receive love that is not trickery, or burdensome, or attached to a string…if I really understand that I can take the love, just because I am human…then the automatic additional knowledge appears, that I can choose which love is good, feels good, is right for me… What in the leaping lizards of God’s green earth kind of realization is that…?!?! I can CHOOSE good love?! Over love that does not seem so good?!
I have been operating on the understanding that I was limited to choosing only costly love!? I was limiting myself to love that fit that bill…Literally!? I was. I really was. And I thought I would get rewarded for that. I thought I looked heroic and selfless, and strong and courageous, and dependable, like a rock…
When really, I was just turning myself to stone, allowing all of the tender, life-giving qualities I had to be sucked out of me….
I thought I had to be others’ source of love. I thought that I had to stand there while they ‘tap’ me like a maple tree, and allow them to extract, ever so slowly but steadily, indefinitely, all of what I have…season to season, year to year, just standing there, while they gathered and I endured the hot, cold, loneliness and periodic visits…As though it is a natural thing, for me to just ooze love, without true care and understanding for where it comes from…or what I need to be replenished.
The last however many days have been excruciating. I’ve been so disoriented and in so much suffering…emotional, physical…My body and my mind have felt like they wore going to give out on me. And I have been at a complete loss for how to care for myself. I have just tried to feed myself and make myself drink, gently, slowly, like someone who is on the verge of death and they have to be nursed back to health ever so subtly and gently or the could turn for the worse any moment… Asking myse, as I woke up this morning, why I still didn’t feel any better…?! Why do I feel equally bad if not worse…?!
Being away from my ex is supposed to be healthy. Is supposed to feel free-er. Less pressure, less anxious anticipation.
It has been the opposite…
And this morning I remembered…
I have only ever seen representation of it, and watch my ex struggle with it when he stayed away from alcohol for a period of time. He only felt worse over time, not better, because he didn’t stay away long enough…
The proof I am codependent. The proof I am dependent on another’s presence, feelings, feedback… The proof I am addicted to another’s existence, issues, problems, emotions… I am in excruciating pain without him.
It is a relief to identify that. I just have felt like I was going to die. Like diCaprio in…(the basketball diaries?) when he was writhing in pain. That is me.
Second sanity-saving revelation of the day:
My therapist commented, after I talked to her about how I have been feeling, and what I understand of my own feelings…(I have been staying out of contact with my ex, beginning to experience the desperate loneliness, and not separating the facts that “I NEED LOVE AND CARING” from HOW I GET IT…or who I get it from…
In my disengagement with G I have been treating myself as though I don’t deserve love, rather than as though I don’t deserve abusive love.
I do deserve to be lived and cherished and praised and admired.
I don’t deserved to be charged for it.
I don’t deserve to pay a price for it.
With my mother or anyone else.
It’s funny how the knowledge can be there but really ‘knowing’, feeling, learning (and the unlearning) come only have a lot of digging and reveals, and shame and fear and honesty.
The new road has begun 🙂
Contrary to what i was taught… It is perfectly normal and human to need love and caring. To want it. To feel entitled to it. Now I will begin to learn how to live with that desire and give it to myself and find it in healthy ways.
Affirmation: I courageously learn to receive love without feeling I have to pay or sacrifice myself for it.