Help – More big stuff
I was so inconsolable today. And so zoned out. I can not handle my own humanity, my own emotions. They are so locked down. I need help. I really want my emotions, but I am terrified of them. My days consist of avoiding my emotions and hunkering down to ‘do’. Just ‘do’. Don’t feel, just ‘do’.
Today I felt blocked. I had myself locked down. I felt sorry for myself. I felt…like my mother showed me I should feel. Helpless and lonely. I don’t really believe in that though. When she was like that I wondered why she did not enjoy being with my brother and I. I wondered why she could not see what she had.
I can’t either. I do know it, but I won’t let myself feel happy about it. I wont let myself enjoy, enjoy my friends. Enjoy the things I like.
What do I feel? What do I avoid feeling? Answer these questions…