Help – More big stuff

I was so inconsolable today. And so zoned out. I can not handle my own humanity, my own emotions. They are so locked down. I need help. I really want my emotions, but I am terrified of them. My days consist of avoiding my emotions and hunkering down to ‘do’. Just ‘do’. Don’t feel, just ‘do’.

Today I felt blocked. I had myself locked down. I felt sorry for myself. I felt…like my mother showed me I should feel. Helpless and lonely. I don’t really believe in that though. When she was like that I wondered why she did not enjoy being with my brother and I. I wondered why she could not see what she had.

I can’t either. I do know it, but I won’t let myself feel happy about it. I wont let myself enjoy, enjoy my friends. Enjoy the things I like.

What do I feel? What do I avoid feeling? Answer these questions…


About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on September 29, 2012, in codependence, emotional abuse, Relationship. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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