Monthly Archives: April 2012

Face

I have to face the truths every day so that I can get past them
– the struggles, the denial, the lies… All mine and his.
– I am afraid to go off thjnking I am ok and he is not. I’m not ok. I’m getting ok in lots of little ways, but I’m not ok. I have to sort through that.
– I am… Willing to… Change.

Yes.
He said if we just ride the wave everything will come out ok… But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop because of his bad decisions.

I Knew

When I miss him, it will only help to remind myself that I knew…

– I knew he was dishonest

– I knew he was immature

– I knew he was abusive

– I knew he was a little mixed up with what is right and wrong

– I knew he was codependent

– I knew he could blame anyone for anything

– I knew he was going to crash with his money

– I knew he was using me, whether he knew it or not

– I knew he didn’t appreciate me for who I am

– I knew I was giving him chances over and over and over again, even from the first night out when he commented with an exclamation mark on the price of the beer (1 bee for me, I can’t remember if he had two).

– I knew he was anxious

– I knew he was keeping things from me

– I knew he was spiteful

– I knew he was insecure

– I knew he was irresponsible

– I knew he was in denial

My mistake was thinking that he wanted different because he wanted to be with me… Or something along those lines. He either wants different or he doesn’t. It doesn’t have anything to do with him wanting to be with me.

If I can get that through my head I will be free. If I can get past the guilt I and think about other things besides how he is feeling, what he things about what I said or did or didn’t say or didn’t do, what he is doing to compensate for my absence, who he is stringing bs stories to… etc., etc…

Karrie today

Karrie has an aversion to writing today.

Karrie must write today.

Karrie has slept another complete night but feels tired and weak still.

Karrie loves the bright sun today.

Karrie is impatient about starting her garden today.

Karrie wants to dig.

Karrie has weak shoulders and an unpredictable arm.

Karrie feels lonely.

Karrie feels inhuman, just like a big piece of flesh and meat and bone without any life.

Karrie does not know her own value.

Karrie still feels enjoyment though, of things…even for a little while.

Karrie always has a list in her head.

Karrie is stopped up, like with a cork. Because she hasn’t chosen that even what she doesnt’ have is better than what she has when she hangs around Greg (the anxious anticipation of all that goes wrong on a regular basis). Karrie still does not think that her time and space and feelings and actions and worries and desires are ‘more’ for her than those things.

But she supposedly can heal her life.

because she is willing to change, even though she doesn’t know exactly how… She is only becoming aware now…

heal my life

Change – we hold on to how we are and how we do things with such fervor…As though painful feelings and fearful actions are who we are and who we must be forever. I have always wanted to be happier. I have always wanted to feel the way I see other people feel. They don’t just feel that way because they are other people. They feel that way because they are doing something different than I am. Or a few things different than I am.

They have changed their perspective.

– things don’t just happen to us.

– things wait for us to decide to do them, wait for us to accept their burden. We don’t have to though.

These days i would rather do nothing than do something that I have been doing that is foolish or destructive or self-deprecating…

AWOL

I haven’t written in the past week or so. Curious, because it’s not like things are not still like a twilight zone. I guess I can’t gush irrationality when I have to pull myself together for school work. I have to put myself last. Trying to find some independence. Trying to do well. Trying to not lull. But I guess I could write something good when I am trying to look ‘up’…

I am not independent yet. I am not an adult yet. I do not follow my instincts. I attach my well-being and success to someone else. I am scared when I think about what independence actually entails. But I really do not want to relive the nightmares I have put myself through over this first 39 years. I scared to be alone, with myself. But more s red of not being alone for the wrong reasons because it is going to kill me. I keep on going to people that just need more and more from me… And people who are not like me.

Karrie, I love you,

And I trust you. And I think you are great just the way you are.

Karrie, I love you.
And I trust you. And I think you are great just the way you are.

Karrie, I love you.
And I trust you. And I think you are great just the way you are.

Karrie, I love you.
And I trust you. And I think you are great just the way you are.

I have the Anger in me

I cannot believe that the happiness is so inaccessible right now. I have jumped into a huge hot vat of tar… of anger… and I am, for some reason… prolonging the pain… swimming around slowly and painfully. I am holding onto it so tight…wanting to battle it… Why won’t I let go? Nothing is taking me away from it… It is so painful to be away from G, and yet supremely painful to be anywhere close…I am like a crazy fighting dog…just like him it feels at moments… Why won’t I look away from the blinding light…? Why am I grabbing onto it?

– because I want to force them (the people who hurt me) to love me, give them a chance to love me this time… (I want to give them no choice, put myself out and be forgiving and tolerant and then punish them if they do not care about me after that…)

– because I learned to be there as a crutch, someone to lean on, someone who is proof that they are doing ok but who bears the brunt of the suffering…

– because I think they are hurting or stressed out because of me; if I don’t be supportive, I am the reason they are unhappy…

How do I learn different?  Please help…

I have to accept who I am before I can do anything… I think.

I am a pathetic excuse for an adult… Am I? Or am I being too hard on myself because everyone has their things… I am walking around thinking that we all have to be better than we are. We all should get past our stuff and be perfect people… I am brazen.

What am I not taking responsibility for?

– the things I do out of fear…

– no one sticks by me when I do unacceptable things, but everyone else seems to have someone.

So, how do I accept my hurts and damage, and the faults I make because of those? How do I do that? I feel like I am incapable of anything at this moment. How can I even hope to come close to that?

I feel that i am a damaged and hardened girl who has become a woman that is trying to fix 35year old problems… How do I stop and still become smarter and nicer and happier? Pay attention to my feelings? My feelings are steeped in baggage. Forgive myself? I can’t distinguish sometimes whether it is myself or others that I have to forgive. I can feel scary things, but I can’t take them out on other people… Just like I don’t expect G to. Our scary things are the same and different. He has carried on much differently than me but we both have anger and resentment. All of mine is not because of him. I should have known, given my past, what I do not want to live with. I am not giving anyone a ‘second’ chance in any new relationship. It is starting all over. I don’t know how to manage myself right now. Have I ever?

I am afraid to be me. Because if there is no one like me, I am all alone. I will be hurt and alone. If I am me. What is me? Do I want it? Can I protect myself? I don’t want to have to. I shouldn’t have had to when I was a kid… But I guess it is part of my job now. To protect myself.

That’s it. I have to take care of myself. I shouldn’t have had to then. But I do now. I am wanting to start where things left off, when I was a kid. That is the gap I can’t seem to get across – now I have to do the defending and protecting. I cannot trust anyone enough to not do any of those things to me. I have to protect myself. Make decisions for myself that do not get me into situations that feel vulnerable. And if I do find myself in such a situation, I defend and protect myself.

I did that in this relationship though! And I got burned for it!

Well, because I knew it was a shaky situation at the very beginning. He told me most things. And I still stayed, thinking that he was telling me because he didn’t ever want to do it again. (But what was I, his priest?!). I walked into that one.

I am not clear on what I need.

There are people out there who will never think to do the things that people have done to me. I couldn’t believe it. Even Kyohsuke was floored to hear what G has done…

I have to remember. I have the choice. There are others out there that will not be that mean. I am angry but I can’t be angry with someone who doesn’t hurt me, with someone who is sensitive to me and my needs. I do not need to be taken care of. I need someone to be nice to me. I need to learn to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself:

Choosing people that are good and safe for me:

 

What am I like?

If I accept what I am like, and not think all the time that I have to change how I am thinking, maybe it will be easier to change my patterns…?

1) I have a hard time removing myself from relationships because I tell myself that that person needs understanding for how they feel what they do and what they believe, and that ends up trumping my own reasons for not being happy there and removing myself. So, with Greg I empathize with the fact that he think he is right even though I think/know he is wrong, and I keep giving him the time and day and not taking off… instead of accepting that that is what I am like and taking off anyway. I CAN empathize and move away at the same time, right?

– I let people’s beliefs be the foremost instead of what I feel, need…

– my actions being first means that I am imposing on someone, so i stay low profile, But at the same time I let other peoples actions impose on me.

Compensation

This is a very powerful urge. It is something I do all the time every day. And it is a most powerful urge when I am around other people. I cannot just be. I have to give something of myself for something that they may not have or may be missing or may need help with or I think they want to feel not alone. I am so presumptuous and lose time and self compensating. I feel it. I did it last night with Ky. How do I only do what I need.

Even when I listen to people I extend myself to beyond what I want to. when I listen to Greg and am annoyed by his foucs on what I thing are menial complaints and discontents. I just want to exercise and be healthy and bring ease and a lack of worry into other people’s lives. My mother taught me that that is what I am there for. She made me think I could bring more to someone than I actually can. Bring something to someone that is not what is really me, what I am capable of, or what I am supposed to do. How do I stop doing that, especially when it is so ingrained in me. I have to be so kind of self-reflecting, self-aware, self-interested person, that judges whether I should carry out any action on whether I want to, whether I am able, whether it is my job or role, whether it will compromise me and my immediate circumstances, needs, plans, etc… How basic is that?!

Scenarios

These are, I feel, impossible for me… I cannot hold my ground, keep on the path I was on…My path just ‘poof’ dissipates as that important person asks me what I am doing. I lie. I may be on my way home to relax and get an early night’s sleep so that I can wake up early and do my yoga and eat and organize myself and get a crisp start on my day’s work, but that turns into a hologram-like thing, and I am all of a sudden someone else’s. They do not even have to force me to change my mind, because i do not give myself a choice. I abandon my plan for the gratification I think I get from just saying ‘ok’ to someone else. Giving them the satisfaction of me just saying ‘yes’ and being available to them is my vice. And when he is an alcoholic the craziness is even stronger because I feel if I don’t go soon they will be even more drunk, so the quicker I go, the better. Why is my peace of mind not more important to me? What am I missing out on if I carry on with the plan I had in the first place?  That other person will be drunk? That other person will have our house in a mess? That other person will leave our home rather than wait for me. That other person will think I don’t care that they want to see me? I believe that if I am not there for them to care about me they won’t? I believe ‘out of sight, out of mind’? I believe I am something more special than I really am… Like I am doing or being something awesome if I am there with them, but am nothing if I am not? If I am not there I am not [doing the laundry, helping to take care of Kyle, listening to my mother struggle, ‘holding down’ the house, being the partner she needs… I am not in that position anymore. So what am I? Nothing about me mattered except for my compensation for my mother, and her losses and difficulties and loneliness. But now, I do not have to compensate. What does that mean? I do not have to alleviate pain that I did not cause? I do not have to feel the pressure to take care of one thing while I am taking care of or having fun with something else…? I do not have to compensate. I do not have to compensate. I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate, I do not have to compensate. G is not alone at home. He does not need help to do anything, cook, clean, feel comfortable, not drink, behave himself. He does not need help with any of those things. I do not have to compensate. Where have i tried to compensate? I do it every day, I know. I would like to focus on that and get comfortable with not compensating… I want to think up some scenarios that I remember and go through them with myself, and imagine what I would do differently and why.