Category Archives: ethical
It’s time to get raucous. Why has that word come to me 3 times in the last 24 hours? Raucous. It will seem that way to you. But that is because we don’t often look or listen or feel and also ask about the origins of what is being shown to us.
All I want to say and express is raucous to some (harsh, strident, grating, rowdy, disorderly…a little out of control). But there is pure sense beyond it. What is that sense I wonder…? I really don’t care if you can’t figure that out. If you can’t you can sit with the raucousness. If you actually wonder what sense if makes for me to get all raucous, you’re welcome to ask.
The truth about me — I have not expressed, reacted in my life. Early on I was scared away from doing so. I experienced terror as a result of showing my experience, showing my emotional reaction. I was scared away from having a perfectly natural…not just human response…but a response specific to me, specific to my make-up. Being alone and death were the threats that taught me to hide it all.
The gates would inevitably open though. And they are about to burst. Just writing these words is giving me nausea. I want to keep on typing words around it all. I want to keep on writing words all the way up to the gates…so close that I am tasting the ages old doors and the crap on them with my eyeballs. Part of me, even now, tells me I can be safe if I just-don’t-say it.
I am afraid to not ever be able to take back what I say when I say it. I am absolutely paralyzed by fear when I think of the punishment that could chase me when I say the words, when I show the anger the dissatisfaction.
Why would I be afraid that I won’t be able to take it back?
Because when you say what you really think in front of people who think you owe them, people how have built up such a city of avoidance between them and their own gates…they will punish you forever, because they think punishing YOU will get rid of THEIR pain.
Well, this is something that has occurred to me more than once as I found my gates again. As I found my way back.
But you know what? I thought that there was truth to the fact that I need to be punished for staving off danger. For revealing my boundaries. For showing someone I want them to stop hurting me. I thought something trumped that.
And again, you know what?
Fuck It. And Fuck You. And Fuck those people. And Fuck It All. I honestly don’t care if I sound disobedient, entitled, pissed off, disagreeable, defiant… (because I don’t need to care anymore) about how someone else is going to label it. How someone else is going to hurt me. They can’t fucking do it anymore. I don’t have to give any moments of thought to how selfish, violating, pricks deal with their own shit as a result of encountering mine. I have taken all of the responsibility in the world, including everybody else’s, for others’ reactions to me, for feelings others would have because of what I do or say or feel or let out, and even what I DIDNT do. And everyone can absolutely kiss my fucking ass. I mean all those who would blame me for ruining their day for doing nothing but expressing how I feel. Acting on how I feel. Being exactly who I am when I feel a certain way. Your uncooth shit is all yours. Go eat it, paint with it, shit on it, publish it, cry it out loud, I don’t give a fuck. Because whatever you do, whatever narrow-minded shit you decide to throw at me will bounce right back to you, Bigger, and Messier.
You know what I really think? – now that you know what to do with your shite reactions … I think that using a kid to make your life look worthy of something is a fucking asshole thing to do. I think that living your life with a kid as though the kid is a pet or a doll or a piece of baggage… an almost inanimate object is an asshole thing to do! I think that making your kid feel like shit because their feelings or reactions or bodily processes got in the way of your pathetic plans for your day or your life is an entirely fuckhead asshole thing to do. I think that intimidating your kid as a way to teach them how to ‘behave’ is a fucking numbskulled, asshole, manipulative,entirely abusive and cruel thing to do. I think that getting caught up in your own pissiness and fears and unfinished business enough to threaten your kid’s life (by cutting off their airway or using your adult strength to bruise and traumatize your kid’s little body) is one of the most insanely psychopathic and FuckHead, murderous, illegal, axe-worthy things that you could ever do in this universe. It’s like shooting a gun into the world when you are blind, deaf, and dumb. I think you are a complete cruel asshole fuckhead prick moron coward, shit-for-cells person. I think you are a complete fuckhead if you do all of these things and more and then completely lack the fucking microscopic shred of humanity that it takes to apologize with any dignity and honesty for doing those things, specifically those things (!), when you do decide that you think that maybe you might be able to kind of maybe apologize for “some things” you did. Oh, YOu “did some things you weren’t proud of”, eh!? I don’t give two or two thousand fucks for those pansy-ass coward words of bullshit. Want to learn what an apology is? No, it doesn’t sound like you do you Fucking Asshole.
I think that your bullshit formula of “moving on and forgetting the past” is a complete fucking cop-out…not only for the person you fucked with, but for you too. If you are too much of a fucking coward to even deal with your own shit with yourself, well you can go fuck yourself. I have no time, energy, or even favorable excretions for that. Show some fucking humanity and at least get in touch with the smallest inkling of a desire to clear your own self of the feelings that made you be such a fucked up, self-absorbed, terrorizing, abusive prickshithead in the first place. You know, you keep on spreading that shit around, even if you have it deeply buried in the bottom of the ‘secrets’ drawer in your mind, your memory, your emotional monsterass chest… And when I feel it, from you, our time will be completely limited, probably most often non-existent. Because there are billions of other molecules of air I can breath in billions of other places for billions of other seconds…and there, I will not have to be near that lying, sliminess you like to pretend that you are entitled to carry around because you are bigger or stronger than me.
And you know what? This is what hurt looks like, sounds like, when you pass it around. Especially when you pass it around to people like your kids who unwittingly accept it from you because they thought that the whole purpose of you, the whole purpose of that behavior was to take care of them, and teach them, and protect them, and affirm them. And you manipulate the situation by serving them shit, fear, a sense of self-worthlessness on a plate instead of honesty and self-reflection and tender caring, and tenderness allround.Fuck you, Fuckheads. Fuck – You.
Who the fuck teaches their own flesh and blood that love feels like Torture…
I Fucking dare you to do it again.
That’s what this is.
I am in a scary yet exciting place.
The negative energy I am carrying around in me…I have been too scared to leave it somewhere…like, at a bus stop or something…you know, like I would leave my wallet or my phone. To scared to let go of the anger, defensiveness, hardness… because I have always thought it was THAT much of a life saver. I have believed that I would be bare without it when I come face to face with that evil somewhere.
The belief that one must fight evil with evil, defend ourselves from evil with evil. That has made me a walking puppet. Like a cut-out soldier that marched out of my fathers’ depths at a very young age. And just marched. And that fear, that irateness, that defensiveness has attracted so many fearful, angry, sad, “ouch” people into my life. Tumultuous, turbulent relationships and situations. Because I was marching. Not being.
Let go of that, on a Spring/Summer day. Fighting evil with evil doesn’t really feel good. Even when you win. Because who wins!? You’re right back where you started. Fighting is no fun. I don’t like what I look like, what I sound like, what I feel like when I fight with the evil that terrorized me as a child. I feel scary. I feel threatening. I don’t feel like a safe place or a safe person.
Evil goads you into “fighting” it. Do you get caught up in the dare? Or are you in a different place?
Was watching the first episode of The Truth About Cancer and hearing about the documented proof that there is a conspiracy to limit access to or knowledge about life-saving Cancer treatments (i.e. non-toxic) to cancer patients and one very lucid and very clued in Doctor said,
“If you do the “standard of care” and you give chemo and people die it’s ok. If you don’t do the “standard of care” and people live, that’s not ok! It’s ‘politically incorrect’!”
Not following the “standard of care” in the medical community (people living through cancer without toxic drug treatments) is more ‘unethical’ in the context of the medical industry than people dying of cancer. Doctors get fired…!
Tonight my yoga student told me he was not coming back to the yoga class I’m starting on Saturdays because the other guy that was there essentially irritated him. And he decided to stick in that he felt like the ‘third wheel’.
I think I saw that coming.
I’m pretty good at muting myself, always have been. And I’m also getting better at muting myself somewhat with people I sense are volatile. I don’t mute myself so much with the new student that irritates my old one because inknow he has a stronger sense of self and boundaries. So I can be more open and at ease. I know he’s not going to read things in wjere they don’t belong.
And my original student has been doing classes with me for a few months now and thinks he knows me, and has probably taken some ownership of me in his mind somewhat. I also have been preparing myself for that. As codependents we can really go places in our minds without any awareness.
So, the point of this post is, feelings?
I was taken aback by the irritation and frustration this guy expressed and telling me that I ‘gave the other student all of the attention.” I felt violated I think. Abused somewhat – someone implying that my social rapport with someone else was somehow bad because it made his and mine seem unimportant.
That’s a Manipulative. Inappropriate thing to say.
Feelings: offended, and the feelings I said above. Today I learned that feelings are, like knowledge, entirely important reasons to protect and advocate for myself.
So I’ve discovered some of the feelings. The appropriate actions are: to not argue with my student, to think about whether I want to have that student around and/or do that class anymore. Distancing myself may be a good idea…
I have been doing a lot of work on establishing an emotional and mental foundation for my own business (i.e. Yoga Class and Life(Style) coaching.
A huge issue I have , which so many people have, is the fear of getting rich. Honestly, we don’t think we have the issue, but then when people start trying to help me out or opportunities appear for me to gain a following or expand my efforts or receive more resources my mind instantly thinks of an excuse to not ‘receive.’ In the name of humility or of not wanting to appear ‘entitled’ or self-indulgent my mind thinks up everything it can say in response that is meant to make that opportunity work harder to make its way into my life!! It’s like I ask abundance to prove its interest in me, to prove to me that I am worthy of it!! How is that happening?!
So, I have been doing so much processing about this and yesterday or the day before it came a little clearer to me. I do not, out of some stubborn sense of righteousness(?!) want to be a part of a financial process that is unfair…
All financial processes are unfair if we are not completely honest with ourselves about how we are handling our money, but more importantly what we need and what we have to offer that are worth sincere value.
The phenomena that I resent in ‘money life’ is the way that, consumption in particular, really is part of an unhealthy addictive pattern among people. People of all socioeconomic positions.
Without real, in the moment consideration for my basic needs, for example, I can decide to buy something…and then continue to pay money that I don’t have, or money that would better be spent elsewhere, on that ‘thing,’ just because it fits into a pattern of spending or of indulgence that helps me to create something of myself that is consistent with a trend or even just a habit.
As the proprietor of a business, no matter how big or small, I am very scared to ask people to spend their money on or invest themselves in something that will not help them to feel more genuinely, healthily, and consciously themselves.
I also am not interested in selling something to people for the sake of getting them to become dependent on ME forever. I want to sell a service or thing that helps individuals to rely more deeply and sincerely on themselves, and to rely more deeply and genuinely on their connect with the world around them for their healthy human needs.
I realize that I can not define others needs for them (even though that is EXACTLY what business does…). But I can suggest, given my own experience, a need that can be fulfilled, and how fulfilling that need could make people more self-reliant, more able to feel, see, know, experience what will be genuinely fulfilling for them.
I do not want to exploit people for their addictions to consuming. I would like to supply people with tools, experiences, products that bring people more in touch with how to fulfill their genuine and entirely human, everyday and lifetime needs.