Category Archives: Money
I am at the point in my life (my life with less drama) where I can begin to make my days my own. It is quite uncomfortable still, because I have a long history of being reactive and working my life around others. But the plain truth of it is, I am more free and able right now to create my own routine and have the freedom to keep up my routine without guilt or huge catastrophe.
Coming into one’s own routine is a real exercise though. I have been trying for ages to come to a clear realization of what I do every day that is really me, that I personally find really necessary, both the work and the play… I think that is why I began, a little while ago, keeping track of what I was doing day to day (filling in my calendar as I went, instead of only filling in my calendar and trying to stay strictly to that that ‘regimen’). I deserve to acknowledge what my activities are, haphazard or not, and pick out what my genuine needs are desires are and make sure I have those in there somewhere throughout each week so that I don’t feel like I am pushing myself too hard for too long with work, and depriving myself serially of ‘fun’.
Taking a close look at those calendar-documented days though has been super hard to do. Not wanting to really face (my perceptions of) how…disorganized, or unskilled I am at conducting my life. Once I began really dealing with my relationships and codependence issues I became also self-conscious of how inundated my life is with those feelings, thoughts, habits, actions that ooze codependence, indecision, fear, reactiveness, exasperation, victimhood, resentment, procrastination. Those things are written all over my days, weeks, months, years… Not easy to sift through.
But if I do sift through them, I find a desire to make my time my own. To break through a barrier of feeling like I am always running from time like it is a tidal wave coming up from behind, or running to finish dozens of things so that I can catch up to a moment in my life where I am supposed to be.
In my mornings I need to wak up to something nice. (This is the little poster I put beside my bed yesterday.)
In the mornings I also need to settle into my own headspace by exercising, coming into my body somehow. As a result of my childhood and of being in relationships with unsettled people and addicts my reaction to waking is usually a traumatic one. My mind races almost immediately…Maybe trying to escape something, maybe trying to anticipate something, maybe, regretting something from the day before…I don’t know. But it is not relaxing to wake up.
So, lately I have allowed myself to cater to that awareness that getting into my body with exercise is going to reduce the anxiety that is triggered through that morning mental rollercoaster ride.
Even after less than 10 minutes of yoga or stretches or walking it is like I can feel my ‘feet fall gently back to the ground’ and I get some traction for my day. Even just a little feels good.
Ideally I “Om” for 3 minutes at 8am (at the same time as some friends who also do the same wherever they are). And ideally I do a 15 minute meditation. I have had a difficult time sticking to these lately because I pressure myself mentally “You have already taken the time to be happy and exercise! How much more time do you need for yourself..!?” That is the voice of my mother, the disregard of my father, the neediness of some of my addict exes that I am still, for some reason, kind of jarred by.
Then eating is my next big, most amazing thing. I have really established an entitlement to regular breakfasts and good ones. My favorite things. Berries. Most often I have my smoothie (1/2 banana, raspberries & blueberries or strawberries or cranberries, or any berries…hehe…and peanut butter and ground flax, and sometimes greens, and maybe a date or two, and almond milk or coconut milk or cashew milk). This has gotten me through many hours of intense morning yoga training. I may or may not go onto the bigger breakfast right away, but I usually need, not long after, a bigger bite – oatmeal, or eggs, or pancakes, or granola…
Then after that comes the most challenging part of my day. If I don’t have ‘something’ scheduled, like an appointment or a class or something like that, I risk experiencing the fear of my own work.
I often have lots of errands to run, lots of admin things to do (planning and advertising yoga, etc.) and I definitely have lots of home chores to do), and I end up putting off the most me-centred, long-term productive activities until ‘later’. It is one of those things that I ‘cannot control’. Investing the time and thought in things that are going to lift me up, make me money, make me seen are the most terrifying activities.
That may be one of the reasons I began to document my days in my calendar in the first place…because I felt like I was so busy doing things all day but I always found that the most crucial things (publishing a paper, finishing a chapter, etc.) were the things that got the least of my time. And I experience so much shame.
So, making a routine of my own…I guess I have gotten somewhere. And I must say that I am further along with working on writing or planning a class when I am terrified of it. I think the thing that is key is making a routine of the things that I need to do, to eat, to feel so that I can do what I am supposed to do. One can not do the work they need to sustain themselves, do what we need to do to serve others in the world, share our knowledge and our talents without feeling good in our minds and our bodies…
So I am on the right track. Gosh, glad to be writing this. Breaking down barriers. Thank you.
My Time Persona
- I am a Time Fugitive – I try to hide from time
- I need to take ownership of my time and of what I need to do during my time…
I feel the pressure, in my head, in my heart area.
In Time I feel
- like I am a burden
- worry about AND put pressure on myself to outshine another
– it is spiritual energy…in motion.
What kind of energy is money to me?
– something that is scary and awarded to people who are innately deserving.
and I am not one of those people, for some reason…
“I am the Sun of God”
So, while I am trying to sort myself out this morning and figure out how to prioritize the things I want to do today and for the next few days, these thoughts rambled out of me:
“If I were to have an amazing job, an amazing home, an amazing sense of security, money and positive stuff flowing freely in my direction…I would be so ashamed. Ashamed that it was not somebody else. Ashamed because my mother reminded me how difficult it was to have kids, how much she missed out on, how much of a trap… a dead weight I was. Why should I be the one to get all of the good stuff? I would feel like I stole her life to make myself rich, happy, successful… My propensity (not voluntary) is to think of all of the reasons why I would have become successful. And the major ones are the pain I caused my parents. I was unexpected, extra baggage, time-consuming, silly, useless, not even representative of them. All I might accomplish gets sucked up, or should be sucked up by that void that I did not fill for them.”
These are the thoughts that make trying hard for myself feel futile.
What are the turnarounds…?!?
Well, I am asking for my habit of being dishonest about what I understand, what I know, what I discover, what I am capable of to be removed.
This tendency is woven together with this fear of shame, or of shaming others as I better myself and heal my life.
When I ask for a shortcoming to be removed I also say a positive affirmation type thing in order to give myself something to do differently:
“I am open about my growth. I am open about my feelings. I am proud of my talents, tenaciousness, adventurousness and I feel forgiveness for having lied to myself about those wonderful things about me having negative effects on other people. My goodness does not imperil others. My goodness shines bright light.”
I have been doing a lot of work on establishing an emotional and mental foundation for my own business (i.e. Yoga Class and Life(Style) coaching.
A huge issue I have , which so many people have, is the fear of getting rich. Honestly, we don’t think we have the issue, but then when people start trying to help me out or opportunities appear for me to gain a following or expand my efforts or receive more resources my mind instantly thinks of an excuse to not ‘receive.’ In the name of humility or of not wanting to appear ‘entitled’ or self-indulgent my mind thinks up everything it can say in response that is meant to make that opportunity work harder to make its way into my life!! It’s like I ask abundance to prove its interest in me, to prove to me that I am worthy of it!! How is that happening?!
So, I have been doing so much processing about this and yesterday or the day before it came a little clearer to me. I do not, out of some stubborn sense of righteousness(?!) want to be a part of a financial process that is unfair…
All financial processes are unfair if we are not completely honest with ourselves about how we are handling our money, but more importantly what we need and what we have to offer that are worth sincere value.
The phenomena that I resent in ‘money life’ is the way that, consumption in particular, really is part of an unhealthy addictive pattern among people. People of all socioeconomic positions.
Without real, in the moment consideration for my basic needs, for example, I can decide to buy something…and then continue to pay money that I don’t have, or money that would better be spent elsewhere, on that ‘thing,’ just because it fits into a pattern of spending or of indulgence that helps me to create something of myself that is consistent with a trend or even just a habit.
As the proprietor of a business, no matter how big or small, I am very scared to ask people to spend their money on or invest themselves in something that will not help them to feel more genuinely, healthily, and consciously themselves.
I also am not interested in selling something to people for the sake of getting them to become dependent on ME forever. I want to sell a service or thing that helps individuals to rely more deeply and sincerely on themselves, and to rely more deeply and genuinely on their connect with the world around them for their healthy human needs.
I realize that I can not define others needs for them (even though that is EXACTLY what business does…). But I can suggest, given my own experience, a need that can be fulfilled, and how fulfilling that need could make people more self-reliant, more able to feel, see, know, experience what will be genuinely fulfilling for them.
I do not want to exploit people for their addictions to consuming. I would like to supply people with tools, experiences, products that bring people more in touch with how to fulfill their genuine and entirely human, everyday and lifetime needs.