Monthly Archives: January 2012

Even though I d…

Even though I don’t feel like I have much to say today… I want to say something, at least something small about the things I am thankful for today: 

– nostalgia – when I can’t feel happiness in the present, I can at least borrow from even cliche things from the past

– a faithful cat

– a satisfaction with nothing more exciting in food than what i have in the fridge, which isn’t much

– a good furniture place down the street. I can almost look forward to getting a good sized teak table for my patio for the spring… and maybe even the nice sofabed sooner than later…!

– the sidewalk

– quiet



Things I am thankful for today:

– even the small amount of energy I had this morning

– the few positive thoughts I have squeezed in between the dread and anxiety

– a recipe for sweet potato and red lentil hummus

– the personal story of a new acquaintance

– warm boots and jacket

– my bed

– my cat

– …

My new place

Things I like about it:

– the sunlight in every room

– the fact that I can put my makeup on in the bathroom with natural light. (I read and discovered that I agree that if you put your makeup on in regular bright bathroom light it is not at all natural looking when you get outside) lol

– i can get into and out of both sides of my bed.

– i have access to the highest view – from the deck off of my bedroom – in the neighborhood

– it is peaceful

– it has an eat-in kitchen

… more to come

Wow – feelings that seem promising

It is exquisitely white and snow-flakey outside this morning. I have had such a warm and fuzzy feeling since I woke up hearing the wind howl past my bedroom window. Getting up to find the outside blanketed in white was (almost literally!) the icing on the cake :-). I can’t wait to get out there, but I have been also rushing to get some work done on an article I am working on that started to go a little well last night before I left the office. But I have yet to touch it today. It is first and foremost in my mind but last on my action list… Holy procrastination.

I started doing one of my daily yoga videos this morning and gave it only 5 minutes. I am patting myself on the back from doing that much these days. Often I even just turn the video on and listen to the guy (Eion Finn) before I go to bed, just to hear something kind, gentle and positive before I go to bed…

Sitting in my new place overwhelmed with boxes… spent about two hours last night unpacking and organizing… then laid like an insomniac in bed until at least 3 am. Took the initiative to get up around 8:30 though… since the weather is so pretty maybe?

This morning was more unpacking cleaning organizing… and not yet done anything with my article. I have been overwhelmed the last couple of days – G away until Saturday night… and trying to find the gumption? confidence? love for self? to give any energy I have to being gentle with myself because I feel like I am going to crack. I sat in the class that I am TA’ing yesterday and felt a panic attack start to come on… I tried to just ‘feel’ my heart beating… I tried to just say ‘ok’ to myself, as though I am really my friend, first and foremost…

And here I am today…


2012 New Year…

Shantelle’s life – how will it take shape, finally?

I would like to:

– make a plan to do what I need to do

– do it when I plan to do it

– do only things that make me feel like a good person or the person I want to be (my satisfaction, feel like the person I want to be)

I know that if I do these things, each of my days will feel good, and that they even feel better the next day.

I am mistaken in thinking that doing things to make up for other people’s pain are the things that will make me happy.

Big revelations…


Where does it come from. How do you know if you love. Not if you love someone, just if you love…? When you have shown caring and affection in a situation where you so much didn’t want to, how do you know that it is real when you are giving it in the right circumstances?

I had to show love and affection even if I didn’t feel like it when I was at home. Maybe because my mother had to give me more than she was capable of, she communicated that I had to do the same… But I was capable… it translated from her that I had to give love, affection, patience, attention even if it wasn’t warranted, because she had done so much for me. I was supposed to ignore her mistakes, bury the hurt and loneliness. If I take my love, attention, affection away from someone that hurts me or does not make me happy I am a terrible person, because she had to give what she wasn’t capable of. I had to at least give without warrant because she was depleted…