Monthly Archives: January 2012

Even though I d…

Even though I don’t feel like I have much to say today… I want to say something, at least something small about the things I am thankful for today: 

– nostalgia – when I can’t feel happiness in the present, I can at least borrow from even cliche things from the past

– a faithful cat

– a satisfaction with nothing more exciting in food than what i have in the fridge, which isn’t much

– a good furniture place down the street. I can almost look forward to getting a good sized teak table for my patio for the spring… and maybe even the nice sofabed sooner than later…!

– the sidewalk

– quiet

 

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Things I am thankful for today:

– even the small amount of energy I had this morning

– the few positive thoughts I have squeezed in between the dread and anxiety

– a recipe for sweet potato and red lentil hummus

– the personal story of a new acquaintance

– warm boots and jacket

– my bed

– my cat

– …

My new place

Things I like about it:

– the sunlight in every room

– the fact that I can put my makeup on in the bathroom with natural light. (I read and discovered that I agree that if you put your makeup on in regular bright bathroom light it is not at all natural looking when you get outside) lol

– i can get into and out of both sides of my bed.

– i have access to the highest view – from the deck off of my bedroom – in the neighborhood

– it is peaceful

– it has an eat-in kitchen

… more to come

Wow – feelings that seem promising

It is exquisitely white and snow-flakey outside this morning. I have had such a warm and fuzzy feeling since I woke up hearing the wind howl past my bedroom window. Getting up to find the outside blanketed in white was (almost literally!) the icing on the cake :-). I can’t wait to get out there, but I have been also rushing to get some work done on an article I am working on that started to go a little well last night before I left the office. But I have yet to touch it today. It is first and foremost in my mind but last on my action list… Holy procrastination.

I started doing one of my daily yoga videos this morning and gave it only 5 minutes. I am patting myself on the back from doing that much these days. Often I even just turn the video on and listen to the guy (Eion Finn) before I go to bed, just to hear something kind, gentle and positive before I go to bed…

Sitting in my new place overwhelmed with boxes… spent about two hours last night unpacking and organizing… then laid like an insomniac in bed until at least 3 am. Took the initiative to get up around 8:30 though… since the weather is so pretty maybe?

This morning was more unpacking cleaning organizing… and not yet done anything with my article. I have been overwhelmed the last couple of days – G away until Saturday night… and trying to find the gumption? confidence? love for self? to give any energy I have to being gentle with myself because I feel like I am going to crack. I sat in the class that I am TA’ing yesterday and felt a panic attack start to come on… I tried to just ‘feel’ my heart beating… I tried to just say ‘ok’ to myself, as though I am really my friend, first and foremost…

And here I am today…

 

2012 New Year…

Shantelle’s life – how will it take shape, finally?

I would like to:

– make a plan to do what I need to do

– do it when I plan to do it

– do only things that make me feel like a good person or the person I want to be (my satisfaction, feel like the person I want to be)

I know that if I do these things, each of my days will feel good, and that they even feel better the next day.

I am mistaken in thinking that doing things to make up for other people’s pain are the things that will make me happy.

Big revelations…

Love:

Where does it come from. How do you know if you love. Not if you love someone, just if you love…? When you have shown caring and affection in a situation where you so much didn’t want to, how do you know that it is real when you are giving it in the right circumstances?

I had to show love and affection even if I didn’t feel like it when I was at home. Maybe because my mother had to give me more than she was capable of, she communicated that I had to do the same… But I was capable… it translated from her that I had to give love, affection, patience, attention even if it wasn’t warranted, because she had done so much for me. I was supposed to ignore her mistakes, bury the hurt and loneliness. If I take my love, attention, affection away from someone that hurts me or does not make me happy I am a terrible person, because she had to give what she wasn’t capable of. I had to at least give without warrant because she was depleted…