Monthly Archives: November 2013
There are some big things going on. I guess there always are, but right now the big thing is that I feel I did something wrong. I’m sure I did, to some degree, even though I am codependent so I therefore often think I did something wrong when I didn’t. I think the actuality is that I am confused as to whether what I did wrong was the thing someone else claims or not. The the heat of an argument or tense words, my emotional paralysis obscures my true knowledge of what I feel I did wrong because I codependently want approval from someone else. And my habit has been to never actually listen to myself or go back when I have let my own gut feelings, signs or messages behind.
I have had my al-Anon qualifier stayin with me lately […patterns improving in many ways…] And last night I asked him I make sure he would take the dog out to poop this morning. I have 3 chapters I have committed to passing in tomorrow but I shouldn’t have to justify asking him to take his own dog for a walk by telling him I have a lot on MY plate today…
This morning of course, he asked casually if I was working at home or at the office…and just as he was getting his shoes on asked (in not an asking kind of way) if I could take Pogi out for a walk this morning. I said ‘no, I asked you yesterday!’ And then he started to lay the guilt trip on me that he was going to be late and that HE would do it for ME….grrrr
What I feel I did wrong was not to say I couldn’t take the dog out, but how I handled the situation/conversation. The problem is that I was ready for him to go back on what he said. I was waiting for it. I was ready to pounce on him and remind him that he said he would and that I asked him, and ready top point out his bs.
I feel like that was wrong, whether for him or me… Or both of course. And he just made me feel even worse saying something about me ‘teaching him a lesson’ … I am too focused on his bs and in crawling out from under his inconsideration, bs, and my struggle with remembering what I really feel and whether I said and did reasonable things.
I feel trapped by his guilt-tripping, in his taking me for granted, but also trapped in having to ‘teach’ him what he cannot take for granted with me. And reminding myself of that too…
I feel so bad for not having said, ‘no, I can’t take the dog out, like I said yesterday, he’ll just have to wait until you get back.’ Instead of pointing out “what he said he would do”.
But when he leaves it is painfully obvious that he doesn’t care about my concern with the dog pooping in the house, let alone care how the dog feels when he has no choice but to do that. Qualifier just leaves me in a bs position, knowing that I feel more responsible in general for the dog and the clean house, and taking advantage of the fact that I feel overly responsible for things that are not my responsibility.
And so this feeling of having ‘done something wrong’ sits with me.
I have been reading True Refuge by Tara Brach and she takes the reader through the process of RAIN: Recognize what is happening; Allow life to be just as it is; Investigate inner experience with kindness; Non-identification. This step by step thought process allows one to not resist my moment to moment experience…
Maybe most importantly, the N-step, allows me to not BE the feelings or sensations I am having in difficult moments.
The feelings and sensations are there, and they tell me things, but after doing all the steps I am to see that my world is bigger than that. My place in the world is not limited to feeling like I did something wrong, whether I did or not…
BIG, long, tiring process of freeing myself from inner slavery.