Monthly Archives: July 2012

Accept Myself – Angry even?

I am a very angry woman (I want to say girl but technically I am a woman).

I wake up angry usually. I go to bed these days after listening to something therapeutic so that I feel or look forward to some peace.

I know I am angry because:
– I am angry with myself all the time for not being able to work harder or faster. For my computers being all screwed up, and for not knowing where all of my data is. Another thing that has fallen aside as I stressed myself about G for months and months and years.
– I am also angry that I did not religiously process my data so that I would have more text to work with as I am writing up.
– I am angry that I have not found a sofa. I am angry that I have not found a sofa because I don’t let myself take the time, because I feel i should ‘always’ be working on my chapters. I am angry that I am not finished my dissertation. I am angry that I haven’t known how to do it and that I haven’t engaged with people so that they can help me.
– I am angry that I let people walk all over me.
– I am angry that I do not get better engaged with my friends.
– I am angry because my body hurts. Some pains, aches and discomforts just drive one crazy after a while.
– I am angry at myself. And I feel like a rabid dog when people come close to me because I don’t want them to. I will screw it up.
– I am angry that people that have been mean to me walk away and just try to forget, without ever really apologizing. I am angry because I feel not good enough to be apologized to… Why am I such a spineless person…?!

After this I need some positive affirmations… Funny, they will probably just make me angry right now.

Stopped up – cant write right now

Get out the negative:
– even though I feel too stressed out to work, I truly and deeply love and accept myself
– even though I am trying to punish myself for procrastinating, I truly and deeply love and accept myself
– even though I feel like I don’t know how to continue with this chapter, I truly and deeply love and accept myself
-even thought I feel disorganized,I truly and deeply love and accept myself
– even though I think I am condemning myself and calling myself irresponsible in my mind, I truly and deeply love and accept myself.

I breathe deeply and I can work past my stress

When I procrastinate I acknowledge the thoughts and go back to my work

I find out the answers to how to work and I continue until my scheduled break.

When I feel hate or condemnation from myself, I remind myself that I’ve only always needed gentleness and direction.

Catching Up

There are such a number of things that I neglected or went bad or I didn’t take. Are of whole I aw with him. It is taking me months and months and months and months to get things back in order so that I dont have a 100-item long list of things I have to put right…
Most lately I have:
– sent hard drive away for recovery: I plugged the wrong adapter in around the time g was cutting and using my cords and the drive blew or something… Could be up to 1300$ to fix
– I lost my keys months ago when I went to neighbors looking for drunk g, paid 18 bucks to get cable cut and another 40$ for a new lock
– lost drill adapter – g used it for spare something – and just had to spend 60$ on new drill.
– fixed up old speed bike

Today’s letting Go

To day I had the desire to let go of
– helping my dad in his own impossible situation
– the obligation to talk to my mother
– the need to get pity or even empathy from my brother
– the need to make myself necessary by inserting myself to help Joann
– the guilt for not helping my dad
– giving into my guilt for not helping dad more and helping home when it would put my worry about my own self at a much to unmanageable level
– the desire for dishonest and incomplete caring from mk
– the need to stave off guilt about not spending more time with Sandra
– the feeling of obligation to stay at johns

Ok Feelings

It’s ok for me to feel these things…normal, human, like me, acceptable, sensible…
– anxiety
– fatigue
– fear
– stress
– worry
– frustration
– lost
– lonely
– shame
– embarrassment
– resentment
– failure
– regret

Am I ever going to dig myself out of this hole?

I feel so helpless, so useless, so annoyed, so angry.

No one participates in my life. With me. No one. Not even the people closest to me. They never have. No one sees me or hears me or feels me.

And I can feel guilt, not that I have done anything wrong, but because of what I think other people think or feel. I feel guilt about things that aren’t true, about things that haven’t even happened…! I feel guilt about other people’s realities, not even mine!

I have no life. Mine is obscured by all of this crazy anticipation and fear. What about my life?! What is my life? What about today. Is anything about my reality today important?!

Down down down

Hard day.
Why don’t I like being around people, being around family, being around some things. I think that I am angry because I couldn’t get close to marley and that is one of the big things I want to do. Brother didn’t let me get there at all. And he listens hears acknowledges so little of me, his sister… Felt again, like no room for me. I fear it is my own thing. Feeling that often. Probably because it’s true, and because people have learned to live beside me the way I have always been acting, not the way I want to be. I don’t even know yet how to be different. I am trying new stuff. But I am struggling. When I change it will change my world.
Wish I could knock things off a few pegs right NOW… Can’t stand this pain.

What are my minimum requirements and levels of safety, kindness, comfort for my everyday life?

– no one taking from me right off the bat

– no one being thoughtless or mean to me

– no dishonest or unstable people

– making myself feel fed and rested, do something fun, have done some of the things that I ‘need’ to do.

Thank you

Thank you for possibility. Choice. Good weather. Excellent activities. Optimism. Future. Change. New things and old things.

If I were my friend and were trying to ‘take care of my problems’ I would say:

…wow, that is much harder to do when it is me…

WHY?!