Monthly Archives: March 2012

“Karrie…”

Karrie is still a good person if she dislikes

– deception

– depression

– laziness

– manipulation

– denial

– self-absorbedness

– dismissal

– everything alcohol related

 

Karrie is feeling healthier today than yesterday after doing yoga again (20 mins this time!)

Karrie is chilly in this weather.

Karrie is trying to find her own balance.

Karrie wants to not only hear her inner voice, she wants to listen to it too!

Karrie is frustrated. She is not a bad person because she is frustrated.

Karrie is procrastinating. She is not a bad person because she is procrastinating.

Karrie is trying hard today.

Karrie is worried about money.

Karrie can’t wait to go sailing.

Karrie can’t wait to go flying.

Karrie does not feel good in her skin. But she is still an ok person despite that.

 

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‘Thank you for’ today

Thank you for hot tea and agave nectar.
Thank you for flannel sheets.
Thank you for brother.
Thank you for sunshine.
Thank you or friends.
Thank you for microwaved eggs.
Thank you for paitio table.

My Self.

Like myself. How do i know today that I do not like myself… That I compensate for myself by being nice to other people…
I know this because I talk with people that do not treat me the way I want to be treated. They treat me in ways that I feel I have to excuse them for all the time. My ex’s, so many of them have taken my time, my space, and my thoughts, and exploited them. They ALL have. It is amazing how I have let that go on. I have talked to two long-ago ex’s in the past year and they have felt entitled, even after they have apologized for the horrendous ways that they have treated me, to have me in their life on their own terms. Amazing… I give so much consideration, and I have given so much consideration… and they have been too daft to even see it. Like it is an ingrained thing in them to receive that much kindness and not think for a moment about where it comes from or that I might enjoy receiving the same. I am a complete nutcase.
I should begin to put all of that effort into me, but it scares me. It feels awkward and gross, almost, to do that for myself…
As usual I think what I have to do is put it in more simple terms… since I am learning something for the first time, I should let myself learn it like I am a child… when I was supposed to learn it… then it will go in quicker…

Like one of my friend’s facebook posts this week: “There’s literally no substitute for liking yourself… [I] can attempt to replace it with attention and validation from others or with material good or even substances, but it’s not gonna work. [I] need [me].

Starting from scratch

What does that mean? [I hate codependence]

Everything I do has to be perfectly fine when i do it by myself. I don’t want to feel any fear or sadness or loneliness or self-loathing when I am by myself. I want to be aware that I choose everything that I let myself go through.

What does it mean to ‘choose myself’? Sounds scary right now, but people say that it feels good, being with yourself. Liking yourself, being happy with anything you do on your own. It is all whole, even though it is only me.

From buying my burrito for lunch [gotta stop thinking about what G would eat with me]… to making my home what I need it to be and how I go about doing that…

Angry Woman

I was walking back from the park – I sat and marked a couple of midterms there. That should have made me happy. But I was still so angry when I left. I knew because I was walking across the street and I didn’t wait for a car that had run the stale yellow. I made them sit in the intersection while I crossed the street. I so do not want to compensate for anyone else’s missteps. Not even the stranger in the car. I had a mission – get home and get back into my writing shift – and little miss in the car had lost her chance to do what was right for her, so I wasn’t going to pay for it. But I looked at myself for a second and felt the stubbornness, the harsh anger. The obstinate nature right now. Anyone who is asking a lot of me, or even not that much, may get met with refusal… big time.

I am so clenched up… have a very well-laid out schedule today… but am hating it because it is jam-packed – 15 and 30 minutes chunks of time for work and breaks, and an hour here and there to eat and mark. I hope I feel some sense of good about myself when this day is done.And I hope I remember to plan tomorrow well.

I am trying to see past my habits, my ‘addictions’, my emotional rollercoaster. When I was doing some Yoga I thought, I should remember that there are things that I do not know how to do. There are ways that I do not know how to live, ways I do not think about things as the default that I wish I did. I though for a second, yes, that should give me some optimism. I love to learn things and I have learned that change is good… so there is some positive stuff for the future.

 

 

Going through the motions.

Wow, I have been here before. It’s not quite the same feeling, but must do exactly the same thing. Work, eat well, try to sleep, do something and pretend to enjoy it because I know I will eventually…Try to keep myself in check/on the right path…on MY path…try not to feel too bad about myself… Hibernate, reach out when I think I can handle it… Put up with the headaches… Remind myself of the truth I have felt for so long so that I don’t fall into feeling sorry for myself for so long.

I don’t need him for anything. I need(ed) HIM, but not anything from him. Just his ‘self’, which he doesn’t have right now, and may never have. He needs websites and pots and his passport and laundry detergent, and my microwave, and the mirrors and the bathroom shelves, and the bike locks… He doesn’t even pay enough attention to me to know that I don’t need ‘things’ from him… to see that just being with him and thinking about him makes me happy, except when life is all about alcohol. (which is always…).

 

The End

I really miss him but I don’t want to see him because:

– it costs too much for me.

– he asks me for something I don’t want to give when I am just standing there

– I am compelled to put more energy into him

– I am caught up in his apparent kindness but it is not real or lasting

– There is no Karrie there… or a very little part of Karrie… Only the part that gives to him. Not the part that needs or gets anything, or is taken care of or is strong and built up.

– only the sympathetic Karrie (and maybe the Karrie who needs sympathy?! – now there’s a concept… I deplete myself so much looking for sympathy… and look find it in people who do not know how to help themselves. Am i one of those people…?)

– I am using it as a distraction; is doing my dissertation actually more difficult than being in a relationship like that?

– it will make me cry or be angry or something painful like that.

Transition for “the bad guy”

It’s another early morning – ‘boing’ wake up at 5 and no prayer of getting another moment of deep sleep.

Thank god for blogs – my brain hurts and it’s like a broken record. I want to spare others of how pathetic I must sound… how pathetic I feel.

His voice echoes in my head, the look on his face, his going about his thing at our (old) pace, like he is not bothered (but he is because he will take it out on me when he can).

I feel an avalanche of guilt and it takes some reflection (which I don’t have the energy for) to remember what I have been living with for so long. When we first met I accepted this shit. The insecurity was there… No different than now, I think, and the circumstances were so different.

I am now the bad guy though (for the 2318th time) because I said that he puts beer first, that he was cruel to me before I ever was angry with him about anything, that he lied to me about what he wanted, that he just wants to pout about his life ‘struggle’, he wants me to feel sorry for him, he can’t indulge his drinking and have a balanced and happy life…

He has said, ‘you white supremacist, white bitch, cunt, I’ll murder you, I’ll beat the shit out of you and you would deserve it’, after he had me my the throat he said that ‘that wasn’t that bad’, he said I was a bad friend because he helped more at my friend’s wedding than I did, he complained that I didn’t pick up his plates and help him make dinner at my brother’s place [so I didn’t care about him?], I didn’t buy smooth peanut butter, only crunchy, and that means that I don’t care about his sensitive teeth and I don’t care about him…

So many things that echo in my head right now… My body and mind is going through some terribly painful withdrawal…that physiological shift when all of a sudden you are not with, nor do you see that person anymore. I can’t tell what sensations are what right now. And all I can hear, see, and feel is his pain… Most of which has nothing to do with me, but it is as though I have caused all of it.

I have to reflect for some time in order to remember that it was all there when we met and it hasn’t left. He was asking me if I ‘really’ cared about him so early on, when his brother was telling him I was going to use him… When his ex- told him I just wanted to use him. He was stressed out when his mother said ‘wait until she finds out about your drinking and see if she sticks around’, he lied to me so much at the beginning, about his drinking, about what he was up to all the time, about his money situation, about what he really felt about things… He didn’t show me his real self. He dropped Noah at his grandparents late at night in order to come out… That felt bad to me. He didn’t go get the kids so many times so that he could drink. He kissed some girl at a strip club while getting a lap dance…

What is wrong with me?! Why do I feel this breaking gut inside when I should be 1000% satisfied to have the deception out of my life? What am I holding on to? Why do I feel so guilty?

– because I let myself get sucked in, i resent him for sucking me in, watching it happen, and then blaming me for being so angry with him, like he hasn’t done anything to make me this angry… I feel guilty because I lied to myself, I didn’t listen to myself early on, I compromised, I thought that letting a few things go showed that he was important to me, showed that I was willing to put up with a little shit when he didn’t have the choice… he would know how I appreciated his difficult circumstances… that I understood that to be with me he had to compromise.

But I know inside, somewhere, that that is not true. I knew at the moment that manipulating situations and ‘rearranging priorities’ was not the right way to be with me. In the process obligating me to appreciate his sacrifices when I didn’t ask him to do those things was unfair. And me obligating him to appreciate my compromises… when it came to accepting his behavior, was also not right. It didn’t feel right and it haunts me, especially now that I am the bad guy and have supposedly been meaner to him that he has been to me, and meaner to him than anyone.

I know he is a textbook alcoholic, but it still feels so bad. My part in this feels so bad. And he has no capacity to understand what that means. So, I feel really alone.

Withdrawal…

I stayed with someone that I don’t have respect for.

How is it that I care about him when I do not have respect for what he does??