Monthly Archives: February 2016
All I feel right now is the desire to get out of me. I feel amazingly upset. Amazingly tired. Amazingly angry. Amazingly fed up. No matter how untrue the reasons for this, I need to express myself.
I have a meeting with my sponsor in 20 minutes or so and a half hour after that I have a meeting with my counselor. And I think I feel more like I need to be accountable to them than that I need to myself. I feel like I am supposed to feel better. That I am supposed to be doing better. I am angry at them and i don’t know why.
I am angry at myself. Trying to control my own feelings. Trying to control something that I don’t even often know. And I feel exasperated.
I think I am pouting and complaining…”Why does everything have to be so hard?”
I don’t let myself feel how sad and lonely I am about being alone. About feeling like I wasted 10 years of my life because I had no idea what was good for me. About feeling like I wasted almost 6 years of my life with someone who I did not know does not have the capacity to feel anything for more than about .05 seconds except if he is drunk. I don’t let myself feel how sad and lonely I am about feeling like an incompetent 7-year old in a 43 year-old’s body. I deny the real feelings. I police my upper limit like a sniper. I think of every possible reason why I can not get a job, a good job right now. I think of every possible reason why all of my friends are only here temporarily, that they will get past needing me.
[my mother instantaneously didn’t need me when she found a man – I turned into an inconvenient kid. The transformation was absolutely attrocious].
I want everything to go to shit so I can be right that other people are unfeeling, uncaring creeps.
So, while I am trying to sort myself out this morning and figure out how to prioritize the things I want to do today and for the next few days, these thoughts rambled out of me:
“If I were to have an amazing job, an amazing home, an amazing sense of security, money and positive stuff flowing freely in my direction…I would be so ashamed. Ashamed that it was not somebody else. Ashamed because my mother reminded me how difficult it was to have kids, how much she missed out on, how much of a trap… a dead weight I was. Why should I be the one to get all of the good stuff? I would feel like I stole her life to make myself rich, happy, successful… My propensity (not voluntary) is to think of all of the reasons why I would have become successful. And the major ones are the pain I caused my parents. I was unexpected, extra baggage, time-consuming, silly, useless, not even representative of them. All I might accomplish gets sucked up, or should be sucked up by that void that I did not fill for them.”
These are the thoughts that make trying hard for myself feel futile.
What are the turnarounds…?!?
Well, I am asking for my habit of being dishonest about what I understand, what I know, what I discover, what I am capable of to be removed.
This tendency is woven together with this fear of shame, or of shaming others as I better myself and heal my life.
When I ask for a shortcoming to be removed I also say a positive affirmation type thing in order to give myself something to do differently:
“I am open about my growth. I am open about my feelings. I am proud of my talents, tenaciousness, adventurousness and I feel forgiveness for having lied to myself about those wonderful things about me having negative effects on other people. My goodness does not imperil others. My goodness shines bright light.”
Yes – this is about taking care of me, the adult, by taking care of Little Me inside.
Although we have long been ‘adults’ on paper. Not all of us (maybe not most of us) have learned to take good care of ourselves, or more importantly take care of ourselves consistently, as a non-negotiable habit over the long term. Even as you read this things will come to mind about what you’ve been “meaning to do” about your sleep, your eating, your physical fitness, your moods, your relationships, and without skipping a beat your mind will jump to the justifications and excuses for not having been doing what you mean to do right away. I feel that too. That is what we live with every day that makes us feel no better than the day before and that makes us come to accept uncomfortable states of feeling, being, acting, and interacting. Feeling not our best has become normal.
I am deciding to go at my ‘Feeling Excellent Plan’ by going back to basics.
Once I started reading Taming Your Outer Child (Anderson), I didn’t learn, I was simply reminded that I have basic needs every day that I can satisfy. I am a parent taking care of my Inner Child. Whether someone took care of your basic needs as a child or not, you knew what your basic needs were, because if they weren’t met you were upset or unhappy, or uncomfortable. Going back to thinking about satisfying the basic needs of child makes this job appear easier, because hey, who can’t take care of baby, toddler, or little kid… (Well, that is a bit of a rhetorical question…hehe).
My point is that, in order to make myself feel better, all I have to do is start with the basics! Eating, sleeping, getting outside for exercise and socialization, stimulating my mind and senses, and creating boundaries for myself when it comes to my behavior (for me and for others).
Clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences work for us adults too. If I clearly and openly establish my boundaries for, say, working too long or too late, then I know that there will be consequences (I will be grouchy, tired, and not motivated to go back to it again later or tomorrow). As adults, we can trace our patterns and behaviors and make them clear to ourselves. Reflect on the consequences of our behaviors and change our expectations from, for example, “work is going to tiring and unrewarding all afternoon!” to “work is going to be exciting and productive today!” Once we change the expectations we can do what is necessary to change our behavior to meet those expectations and avoid negative, discouraging consequences all together. We don’t even have to ‘punish’ ourselves… The negative consequences are the punishment. And we can stop those from ever happening by ‘disciplining’ ourselves – which for adults is more like being aware and mindful and changing what needs to be changed for the sake of our need to feel good.
What we needed as children, we still need as adults, especially if we find ourselves unable to give ourselves what we need to meet our own basic needs. i.e. Love, Routine, Consistency, Repetition, Praise, Discipline, Assurance. (see Jo Frost’s Book, The Toddler Rules). We just might need to work on it more intensely or for a longer time if we did not have a great experience as a child. As adults we, without argument or excuse, are to afford ourselves Time, Commitment, Energy, Patience, Persistence, and Perspective. And automatically we gain Willpower, Education/Information, Understanding, Incentive, and a greater sense of Support.
My first step (which I have been fumbling with for weeks if not months) is to give myself a certain routine. I have been looking over my calendar planning and my patterns and I am going to establish a routine for myself – specifically because I am craving security, calm, predictability. On days where I feel like I can not seem to do everything I planned or envisioned I end up flapping all over the place like a fish on a dock.
The Feeling Excellent Plan — going back to basic, simple, small moves. That child in me is alive and well. And once she is fed, napped, exercised, and cuddled, the rest of me will feel A LOT better.
Well, I’ll let you know how it goes.
When I was a little kid…between about four and eight years old, I would go off on long forest explorations all by myself. It was a wonderful place, the place where we lived at that time. The little house (it was actually built to be a cottage) was in the woods, a few feet from the ocean water. Evergreen forests, with birch trees, protruding bedrock, carpets of pine needles, and beautifully rich green moss. The amazingness of this wasn’t exceptional for me at the time. It was just there. It was a gift that I felt and lived, but did not think about.
My home had a less natural feel-good feeling. It was less. ‘Being’ at home was confining. Constraining. A place where I felt uncertain, often alert. A place where I was taught to dumb myself down, obscure myself, blend in to the walls, the furniture, the corners of the room.
Outside I would walk through the woods, across the street from my house, and then through the woods again to the ocean on the other side of the peninsula. I could breathe. I could use my energy, my senses, be in such good communication with all that touched me me and that I touched. The beach with the huge rocks, mussels, splashing waves…and I I could scour for crabs, and snails, and different kinds of pebbles, and shells. My best excursion – I took it only once – was up a rock face nearby. I climbed up the side of the rockface itself. These days people do it with climbing equipment. No one could possibly see me (and my 4-year old friend David who I convinced to come along) then. I had packed us a lunch and we made it all the way to the top. We sat on the huge boulder that you could see from 100’s of meters down. I surveyed the space that was mine outside my house and we ate our lunch.
For so long I have asked myself how, at that age, that excursion, and the many others alone in the woods near the ocean, could and still do feel so…fine for me. I was not trying to deceive. I was also not trying to hurt myself. I was going as far as I could to find freedom. Freedom from a more vicious, more damaging, more hurtful danger.
Today I was chatting with a friend about some of my personal inventory – it’s specifically about honesty right now. I was trying to answer questions such as “what did you lie about as a child?”, and “who did you lie to?”, and “what were the consequences of the lies you told?” Not so long ago I had answered a lot of the questions, and the answers were things like, “I lied about taking candy from my Dad’s side table” and “I lied about how much I knew about the dirty movies in the cupboard” and “I lied about how far I went into the forest and whether I went close to the ocean”.
With these answers, I now realize, I was playing into the trap, the trap that my secret excursions, my ‘dishonesty’ was possibly always about me defying, or deceiving someone, or about my mischievousness. Playing into the story that as children what we do is about obeying or disobeying our parents or authority figures. And into the story that as kids, when we do something we are ‘not allowed’ to do, or when we do something or know something past our age or supposed level of feeling or comprehension it is wrong.
Recently I tried answering the questions again. And the answers came to me differently. The lies I told were lies of omission. I didn’t reveal to my parents what I knew, what I understood, how I felt, or what I was doing. And my decisions and my actions were the prerogatives of a girl like me.
I learned at a very young age that my mother was not protecting me from people that would hurt me. By the time I was three years old I was around a man who I knew I had to be scared of. My mother was not aware of that, nor aware of me, my reactions, or my feelings. She married him. Over the next few years this man would get angry with me if I displeased him somehow and beat me with a bamboo switch. If I cried because he scared me he would also get angry with me. One night, at story time, he tried to smother me with a pillow so that my mother wouldn’t hear me getting upset. I couldn’t breathe. His face was a monster’s. At about five years old I was molested by the boy next door. He walked me into the woods and tried to get me to put his penis in my mouth. At nine years old I was molested by another boy next door, who up until that time I had trusted like a big brother. At 13 I became interested in the ‘bad boy’ that lived nearby. When he found out he took me down to the end of the street and tried to get into my pants. At 14, my 23 year-old swim coach seduced me. He was engaged to be married at the time, but within our first couple of months ‘hanging out’ I would have sex for the first time. Our relationship continued to his marriage and on still for about three years. Soon after that I tried to seduce my driving instructor – he was 29. I lingered after him for a couple of years, slept around a little through high school, university… Lingered after other guys…for the attention…and to figure out what it meant to get control of my life. All of this, like the climb up the side of the rock face, because it was safer ‘out there’ than it was at home. I felt more in control of my own care and my own life climbing up a rock face as a kid. I felt safer risking myself in situations like these than being a daughter.
That is was I learned to feel as a young, young girl.
When I would explore the woods alone, and go on these independent adventures, it was because I was learning that I could save myself from adventures that I put MYSELF in. Not situations that others did.
Up until so recently, I had continued to put myself in relationships that were dangerous, iffy, risky…because I wanted over and over again to prove to myself that I could ‘get myself out safely’. I was “keeping my enemies closer.”
And now I want to change this life.
What does one do instead of create challenges, instead of resolve challenges that one has created for oneself?
Thanks, Zen Blog
What are the most important things to me right now?
- Getting a job.
- Developing my business of teaching yoga, personal coaching (making money at those things.)
- Writing down everything that I feel strongly about, everything that I am figuring out and realizing from day to day and even hour to hour.
- Getting physically fit.
What does my typical day look like?
- I don’t set an alarm (because I am afraid I will not have gotten to sleep early enough to get sleep)
- I wake up in dread, usually between 730 and 9. I don’t get out of bed right away because I feel like I am just here to ‘work’ for shit and I don’t look forward to anything fun or happy.
- when I do get up I drink water, feed the cat and do some exercise (yoga or stretching). I usually get into browsing youtube for silly stuff instead of doing yoga from one of my favorite videos and then shutting off the tv.
- After often a couple of hours I eat breakfast and get washed up.
- I might start ‘working’ on something by late morning or early afternoon, at which time I feel like I’ve already failed in my day.
- I hunker down to write something or work on finding a job and
- each task takes me at least 3 times longer than I expected, or
- I find it impossible to keep from trying to work on 3 or 4 to-do’s at once.
- Once I’ve gotten myself buried, without focus, in one or a bunch of things I begin to feel tired (eyes) and uncomfortable from sitting in front of the computer.
- then I feel too ashamed to go outside and be human because I have made myself so unhappy.
- I check my calendar here and there to see what I have knocked off my list of to-do’s.
- I think about fun things to do to celebrate any accomplishments of the day, but my inside police make me reduce my ideas to something smaller and smaller until I do nothing fun. I procrastinate about having fun…
Bleh. I’ll have to look back it this post later because I can feel how I really wrote myself into a depressing hole.
I have a Hot Stone Yoga webpage to write…So, I’ll grab a bite to eat and do that next. Phew.
“I commit to living in my Zone of Genius now and forever.”
In my zone of genius I don’t feel like I’m working. Time feels different, expanding instead of contracting around my activities.
I make a commitment to living in my zone of genius all the time. My commitment must come before I have made good on it.
I have been doing a lot of work on establishing an emotional and mental foundation for my own business (i.e. Yoga Class and Life(Style) coaching.
A huge issue I have , which so many people have, is the fear of getting rich. Honestly, we don’t think we have the issue, but then when people start trying to help me out or opportunities appear for me to gain a following or expand my efforts or receive more resources my mind instantly thinks of an excuse to not ‘receive.’ In the name of humility or of not wanting to appear ‘entitled’ or self-indulgent my mind thinks up everything it can say in response that is meant to make that opportunity work harder to make its way into my life!! It’s like I ask abundance to prove its interest in me, to prove to me that I am worthy of it!! How is that happening?!
So, I have been doing so much processing about this and yesterday or the day before it came a little clearer to me. I do not, out of some stubborn sense of righteousness(?!) want to be a part of a financial process that is unfair…
All financial processes are unfair if we are not completely honest with ourselves about how we are handling our money, but more importantly what we need and what we have to offer that are worth sincere value.
The phenomena that I resent in ‘money life’ is the way that, consumption in particular, really is part of an unhealthy addictive pattern among people. People of all socioeconomic positions.
Without real, in the moment consideration for my basic needs, for example, I can decide to buy something…and then continue to pay money that I don’t have, or money that would better be spent elsewhere, on that ‘thing,’ just because it fits into a pattern of spending or of indulgence that helps me to create something of myself that is consistent with a trend or even just a habit.
As the proprietor of a business, no matter how big or small, I am very scared to ask people to spend their money on or invest themselves in something that will not help them to feel more genuinely, healthily, and consciously themselves.
I also am not interested in selling something to people for the sake of getting them to become dependent on ME forever. I want to sell a service or thing that helps individuals to rely more deeply and sincerely on themselves, and to rely more deeply and genuinely on their connect with the world around them for their healthy human needs.
I realize that I can not define others needs for them (even though that is EXACTLY what business does…). But I can suggest, given my own experience, a need that can be fulfilled, and how fulfilling that need could make people more self-reliant, more able to feel, see, know, experience what will be genuinely fulfilling for them.
I do not want to exploit people for their addictions to consuming. I would like to supply people with tools, experiences, products that bring people more in touch with how to fulfill their genuine and entirely human, everyday and lifetime needs.
Yesterday, as I was listening to this book, The Big Leap” I felt like I was closer to being able to answer these questions. Today the answers are hiding.
I just listened to the section again… The thing I am supposed to do is “wonder” about them, not “think”. Wonder like when I am looking up into the sky at night and coming back to the understanding of how real those stars are, how real the unimaginable distance is between us and everything else in the universe…and how I wonder how it can be that I am here seeing and feeling a reality that is so small yet so significant at the same time. I
- In my work, (I wonderI) what produces the highest value and satisfaction?
- (I wonder) What do I do that doesn’t feel like work?
- (I wonder) What do I most love to do? (I wonder) What can I do for the longest time without getting bored.
- discoveries I help people make
- my discoveries
- (I wonder) What is my unique ability?
- facilitator, catalyst
- making people feel like they belong
“I’m at my best when I’m _____” I wonder what I am doing when I am at my best.
If is much more fun to ask these questions with wonder. It transforms the exercise from a ‘task’ to an activity.
Fun vs. work.
What is stopping me from living in my genius? What is stopping me from focusing my mind and my actions on what most enlivens me? These are some of the tired, and very old, arguments or justifications I have for staying on the hamster wheel, for living my Groundhog day over and over and over again.
If it weren’t for how broke I am I could be joining a gym, or dance classes, or taking a Yoga instructors’ course, or socializing more.
If it weren’t for a scary supervisor I could be finishing my thesis.
If it weren’t for how tired I feel, I could be getting up before 7am every day.
If it weren’t for how discouraged I am, I could be getting up and HAPPILY doing my beloved wake-up things in the morning and then feeling motivated to do work-like things after that.
If it weren’t for my lack of control over my tendencies to avoid, hide, and procrastinate I could be well into writing a couple of papers or articles, I could have a much better looking website, I would feel much more proud of myself.
If it weren’t for how close-minded and competitive academia is, I would enjoy the experience much more.
If it weren’t for my scary childhood and how I learned to shy away from people and recognition I would be able to jump right into professional and social situations with ease and happiness.
If it weren’t for my long list of ‘to-do’s’ and my lack of organization i would have a lot less to do right now.
If I didn’t have so much to do I could take a real rest and not feel so guilty. I could relax my mind and not get to panicked about how long it has taken me to accomplish some things, about how I may be missing deadlines, about how much more I will have on my list once I finish resting.
None of these problems were actually caused by outside things… I am not upset for the reason I think I am. All of these complaints are symptoms of not taking the big leap…
“If I took the big leap into my zone a genius I might fail.”
What if I opened up to my true genius and found out it wasn’t good enough…?!
I feel Longing.
If outside influences like money, or coworkers, or past relationships were not a problem what would I really LOVE to be doing?
– go have fun; walk for hours, bike for hours, socialize without feeling like I was on a timeline
– write something inspirational
– write something that changed something for people
– write something that people would write about, talk about.
– do a job in which I could move and travel and use all of my talents and use my curiosity and powerful yearn to learn.
– have an impact on the world in a big way.
Longing turns into despair if I don’t do something.
The strongest reason that I am not jumping into my zone of genius… *I always think that I should be doing something else. (for someone else, something that someone else needs me to do, thinks I should be doing, something that someone else will pay me for…).