Monthly Archives: September 2016
This day – I want it to look like, feeling…
– a day where I was happy doing what I was doing.
– a day without the boogy-man pokig me in the back telling me everything that I’m doing is not entirely right or not entirely being done at the right time or for long enough.
– a day when my adult self has everything under HER sights and she is making the day feel good for all of us (Little, Outer and herself too).
There are three parts of me who all need to participate in my everyday happiness. Little me, who is my emotional presence, Outer me, who is my ungrounded presence, and Adult me, who oversees and should direct activity in everyday life, but in my case she defers to Outer me.
It is my decision at this point to conference among these three parts of me consistently throughout each day, to keep in touch with how they are and remind me/us what the direction is that we want to go in and how we want to get there.
Little me is feeling: tired, disappointed, hesitant, doubtful, but still hopeful for fun.
Outer me already started to do things besides top lines this morning, before I could stop her. She went thinking and online searching etc. etc. And she is acting on Little’s fear that I am not going to get things done. Out er can’t do the big decision-making jos so she just does all of the menial time-filler jobs that Adult can do but leaves to her.
Adult feels some clarity but as usual is hesitant to run things. She feels like it is a burden to manage these two others. She feels like Little’s needs are too big for her. She feels like her feelings are SO important and she is not the one to respond to them… for some reason. She feels like Outer can get by without her. She is lazy for some reason. She is afraid to be loving. She is afraid to make the effort.
For the next couple of hours though, I will consider how.
How to respond to Little’s feelings.
How to make decisions about the day that ease anxiety and give Outer something else to do. Or give her a break to just be herself.
How to keep Adult interested in running things. How to keep her feeling like there is progress. Like she can keep the momentum going. Like she can feel a downhill feeling. Like ‘it’s all downhill from here!’. hehe
I know now, so much better, that I am ‘attached’ to many things in my life, as well as many people, as opposed to ‘connected’ to them. Attachment, as they say in the buddhist literature is about craving things, exaggerated feelings of not wanting to be separated from something, or someone. It is about thinking about what that person or thing will bring you, as though you do not have everything you need. It is about not thinking about what you have to give that is valuable in that direction…
In the morning I wake up attached to past lovers. I know I am ‘attached’ because I feel regret and have not moved on. I also feel attached to money and jobs and things…because I feel poor and vulnerable and imperfect. I feel attached to food in that I feel afraid I won’t have enough sometimes. I feel attached to my car in that I think I won’t have the freedom to move around without it. I feel attached to some friends in that I feel that they are proof that I am nice, or generous, or a good listener. I don’t necessarily feel that we have an exchange… As a person who is attached as opposed to connected often….
“We want to get love, rather than give love.
We seek understanding, rather than trying to understand.
We seek self-confidence, rather than respecting others.
We seek praise and encouragement, rather than giving praise and encouragement .
We don’t like criticism, but like to criticise others.”
I am terrified to begin to just give and appreciate and love. I am terrified of the prospect of people taking and taking and taking, and feeling left with nothing…