Monthly Archives: February 2012
Want to be out of this preposterous relationship situation… But
I feel soooo guilty right now. Guilty for not being honest with myself about how unhappy I am, guilty for not being honest with him about how taken for granted, disrespected, used, neglected I feel, guilty for leaving when I haven’t been honest with him, guilty because I feel so bad… as though I should feel great because he didn’t MEAN to make me feel so bad…
I actually feel guilty for not respecting the things he does…!!! I actually feel guilty for having bad feelings about him. I feel guilty for not liking what he does. I feel guilty for having been scared of him. I feel guilty for being angry with him. I feel guilty for wanting him to have taken care of his shit so that we could actually have a future. I feel guilty to wanting something good… As though it is my mistake for expecting something good from him.
Are things REALLY that simple??? Is it really as simple as
– you don’t like it, you leave
– they are not nice to you, you leave
– you don’t have the same ideas about how to live into the future you leave…??
Like how much of a screwed up moron do I sound…
I think I know even more now how I have not dealt with my own baggage because
– i have kept on arguing and being angry, telling him things that I feel are so bad, trying to make him feel as bad as he has made me feel(?). I am battling a losing battle. I want to make him feel bad right back, instead of walk away and make myself feel better.
– I stay when I notice things that I do not like, don’t respect, want to change about what he is doing. I stay, instead of leave. I try to express and explain, believing that he will do things differently. What should be the limit on that…?
Staying in a bad relationship because it gives me an excuse to feel sorry for myself, and give me the opportunity to change something about the past (in my current relationship – weird concept!) that I cannot change… Except to stay away from it. I believe that I still have to live with that stuff… <sigh>
I open a web page today – don’t even know how I landed on this one – and there was the question, “WHY Some WOMEN Choose THE WRONG MAN Time and Time and Time Again”
The key part of that question for me is “time and time again”… I am not as concerned by the fact that any one of the people I have been with has not been the right person or good for me, as I am that so many seem to have been the exact same type of bad for me.
I think I now know exactly why I have chosen them. I certainly know how they have be all the same. They have all been in a place waiting for something to come to them. And I have brought as much to them as I possibly could with out shedding my own skin and handing it over. I wonder if I can write a book and make some money to sustain me until I get my shit together…?
I know now lots of the reasons why these men have felt right, and why they are wrong… for me.
They felt right because:
– they looked at me with awe, like they had found what they had been looking for. I had confidence in their display of fascination with me. I could think that I was awesome, even just for the beginning of the relationship.
– they acted like they had the best thing in the world in me; there was an admiration that bordered on foolishness
– they acted like I made them happy.
– they made me feel like I had done something amazing (even though I hadn’t done anything yet, they hadn’t gotten to know me or experience me yet…)
– they really needed someone to give them a positive reaction at the time, and I am very good at that, at optimism, at arguing for them, at just listening even though I don’t agree with them. They thought that I did though, and then put me in the position that I was their support when they needed to justify the less good things they were doing.
– they really needed the open-mindedness that I showed them right away, and I felt so integral to their happiness…. even though they weren’t really happy, but I didn’t wait to find that out before I invested.
– they depend on me for things; encouragement, acceptance; I see their pleasure and feel like that is because of me.
They are wrong for me because
– I feel I need to do things to make them feel good and doing those things extends me too far. And they never seem to notice or perhaps just don’t care. But I don’t care about myself if time after time I overextend myself, don’t get anything in return, and I still do it. I need to care about myself. And then maybe they will.
– Wow, it seems that even I am wrong for me. And as long as that is true,everyone is wrong for me.
– they don’t seem to want to see me happy
– they don’t seem to want to do things with me that make me happy
– they find ways to blame their actions on me.
To be continued… Am in the middle of a work day and am procrastinating. I need to get through this somehow… I think that it is very important… And no matter when I write it it feels like procrastination.
Today I feel dread.
I don’t, know what else I feel, or if I feel anything else.
I so would like to sleep but that is impossible.
I so would like to write, but that is almost impossible.
I am still thankful for some things, like: my rice pudding, my naan bread, windows so that I can feel light when I only feel dark, the little bit of sanity that I do have at moments. Oh, and yoga, even 10 minutes a day only on most days is showing some difference in my strength(a little bit mental and a little bit physical)! my muscles – I can see them more in some spots now, my peace – there are only traces at moments but they are there.
He didn’t ‘hear’ me when I said that I didn’t want stress and crap in my life. And I didn’t ‘hear’ him when he said he doesn’t want to stop drinking right now, that he doesn’t want to deal with his issues other ways besides drinking. If I hear him, I say ‘that means you don’t want to be with me right now.’ How simple is that, but yet so ridiculously difficult.
I enjoy studying ideas more when I know about the history/life of the person that authored them, thought of it…
I always come back to language; it is one of the interests I have that does not feel much like work. It feels like I am growing almost every moment I am focusing on it. As opposed to writing for school, where I only feel the growth a few times a year.
Thankful for today:
– my comfy bed.
– that there is a life outside of alcohol, even the non-alcoholic can lose that perspective when she is around the drinking alcoholic for too long.
– years of life without ‘knowing’ alcoholism
– honest desire for inner peace
– homemade cheesy crackers, bento boxes
Not thankful for
– personal emotional negative loops
– bone-chilling cold weather when I am not in good enough shape to stay warm
– failure to ‘live’ given the freedoms I have right now
– bad quality kitchen appliances that are just meant to make money for Black & Decker
– fear, low self-esteem