Monthly Archives: August 2015

Which Fear…?    Scorpio horoscope for Aug, 30, 2015                 Is there a fear you would love to conquer, Scorpio? Most of us have such fears, or habits, or patterns we would love to break free of. There may be a fear on your mind now that you think is holding you back, and you are probably right. However, you may worry that this fear is so old and so engrained in you that you will never get beyond it. You can, though, if you believe you can. And right now you are especially blessed with the power to overcome what is holding you down. Even if you’ve tried in the past, try again. — Copyright (c) The DailyHoroscope by Comitic http://thedailyhoroscopeapp.comroscope for Aug, 30, 2015 (The DailyHoroscope) Scorpio horoscope for Aug, 30, 2015 Is there a fear you would love to conquer, Scorpio? Most of us have such fears, or habits, or patterns we would love to break free of. There may be a fear on your mind now that you think is holding you back, and you are probably right. However, you may worry that this fear is so old and so engrained in you that you will never get beyond it. You can, though, if you believe you can. And right now you are especially blessed with the power to overcome what is holding you down. Even if you’ve tried in the past, try again. — Copyright (c) The DailyHoroscope by Comitic http://thedailyhoroscopeapp.com

Feeling — Not thinking, or expressing, Just Feeling

Today is the last day of my second week of doing the The Presence Process. The experience I am having with two 15-minute meditations a day is…not like anything I have experienced. It is viscerally uncomfortable, viscerally owerwhelming. And yet I am feeling, like in this moment for example, the certain potential for a complete ownership of my own emotional life and relationships.

The most difficult thing about the meditations is that, as M.Brown (the author) describes, I come face to face with my own vibrational frequency…My own true emotional experience of the world. As I uncovered a few weeks ago, I have lived with the fear of severe punishment and neglect from the time I was an infant, if not before that. And the sensation that I have as I reach about 1 minute into a 15 minute meditation is a panic state. My solar plexus contracts and hardens, my heart rate increases, my breath becomes shallow and quick…and my mind races to try to get away from that consciousness. It is a difficult period of time to sit through, to say the least, and understandably. 15 minutes feels like years. The gut pain or tension in my neck and head feel like they will persist, forever…Sitting through such a thing is counter-intuitive at the best of times, but really so when one is unconsciously used to anticipating punishment or abandonment…

I have no idea how to explain what happens once I get to the end of the meditation…My heart skips a beat when the end chime sounds, but after that…it’s like I can’t explain it in english. That vibrational signature of fear and worthlessness…I have come face to face with it, and it is not pretty. But each time, I recognize it, acknowledge it just a little bit more, allow myself to face the fact that I am that. And it takes a more realistic place in my being. It is not everything I am. It is a necessary chunk of me that has simmered for my entire life, and has not had the ability to integrate. I am learning that it is something I can not live without caring about. Staying with it turns the experience of it into something not burdensome. Staying with it turns it into the answer. To everything.

I feel not free yet, but I feel how I will be free. I feel that I will have an understanding of what I bring to life, as opposed to the understanding that I have carried around that I am marginal to or dispensable to this life…

I believe it,
The only way out is Through.

Want…Demand…Resist

I have been working on a Phd Thesis for too long. I may fail it. I am motivated and inspired by the research, as I took it on and as I understood the literature I would use. But I have had a terrible time being able to consistently act on this inspiration. I have been hot and cold about analyzing, backing it up, writing, probably more often cold… And my Alanon sponsor has just helped me to figure out why… 

I wonder if I will be able to finish, having discovered these insights…

https://littlengine.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/demand-resistance-absolutely/

http://www.supportgroups.com/sg/eating-disorder/demand-sensitivity-and-demand-resistance

I Am Willing to Make a Concerted Effort to Get to Know Me :-)

Hey WonderfulShantelle,

Would it be ok if I took you out on a date?

http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/the-secret-to-self-loving/

Today’s meditation

This was one of the most intense meditation experiences i have had. It is a breakthrough in terms of staying with difficult sensations in the body.
The last couple of days I decided to go walk in the park in the morning and then do my meditation there. Today it was a beautiful morning, I took a path that was quieter and new. And I found a spot by the river to sit down and meditate.

The meditation started off as calm as usual, but it wasn’t long before I noticed my thoughts trying to distract me from the sensations in my body. As I have done for the past few days, I acknowledged the thoughts without really thinking about them, just saying “thinking”. And then bringing my attention back to my breath, and saying “breathing”.

It wasn’t long before the body started to send me messages. I felt discomfort in my gut, Low Low down in my stomach. And I tried to breathe and stay with it. I felt the discomfort even making its way up to my neck and my head. By the time the meditation time ended, the discomfort hadn’t lessened, it had actually stayed the same or even Increased a bit.

As the moments passed after the meditation and I got up to walk out of the park, the discomfort turned into pain, so much so that twice before I got out of the park I had to sit down or lie down. When I did that I tried to breathe more into the feeling. And allow the feeling to be, allow it to take me over. I tried. As the pain got more intense I even tried to make noise, like breathing out loudly and then allowing myself to even voice noises, like small growls or quiet groans. (luckily I was in a park by a river, so anyone who might of been passing by couldn’t really hear me!)

Every response I had eventually helped. Once I got up from laying down on a park bench, I noticed I felt quite drained, and even a little bit lightheaded. Usually I would be reacting to myself in a disapproving way. But having done the presence process reading, part of me knew that the physical sensations did not mean anything about how well or badly I did the meditation, or how good or bad person I was, or whether I was failing. I responded to the feelings as though they should be there.

Back to my car…I was really tired. From the meditation to the walk back to the car was only about 10 to 15 minutes. A lot had happened. I reclined my seat and laid-back and allowed myself to rest for little bit longer.

The sensation had run its course to a large degree. The pain subsided, and I could physically feel it moving in my body, kind of migrating  and transforming.

By the time I pulled away from the park entrance, I knew I had just gotten through something big. I know I need time to process that. And to look upon myself with love and appreciation, for sticking with that process.

Doing the process, sticking with those feelings was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And ironically, it made me reflect back to childhood when the feelings came out a lot easier. As I thought about that time I missed it. I miss a good heaving cry. And am still waiting for it.

I can more and more appreciate that, the only way out is through. Because I feel raw, and I know something has changed…

The Presence Process – 2nd week

I’m in the middle of my second week with Michael Brown’s book. There is a lot going on. Even in the smallest things inside my body, mind, and emotions. The most noticeable this week is that I feel short of breath in each meditation session. I can only breathe short and shallow. It happened again tonight. It’s been disconcerting because I have the expectation that during meditation I would naturally breathe deeper and with more relaxation. 

Tonight I realized though, that it is a “reflection” of mine or maybe many, that are the cause of that. I am relieved that that occured to me. It makes sense. It was only today, 3-4 days into the week, that I realized that this week has felt much more difficult than the first week. Probably because I was putting the pressure on myself not only to “recognize my reflections” but also to identify exactly what they are the reflections of, and get to the bottom of them, every time I noticed them. Woh, I like to pile the work on myself, eh!!

Sitting, alone, in my living room, with my eyes closed…I realize…feels very vulnerable to me. When I was young, or even just still living at home, I wasn’t allowed to do ‘nothing’. And when I was punished it was usually a surprise, unexpected, when I was alone and minding my own business. Meditating kind of brings me back to that feeling of being left open to someone else’s whim. I’m just available, like anything could happen…that I don’t have any control over… I’m afraid to sit ‘available’…
well, today I allowed myself to get a little lazy, out if sheer fatigue, and just ‘notice’ the reflections and not go into any searching or analysis before I continued on with what I was doing. That left me feeling a little more comfortable and free. I remembered that most of our reflections can not be attached consciously to a memory or event that initially affected us because we can not remember them all. So I simply said “reflection” each time I noticed a sensation of discomfort in reaction to something, and then moved on. And it was good because then more and more started to appear openly to me and I simply acknowledged them and moved on. I felt a little lighter very soon after this little upswing… It’s nice because I know that if it feels too much I can hold off on really letting ALL of the feelings about a particular reflection in until I’m able.

It is generally an extremely tiring time. But I do feel things, and myself…unfolding.

“The only way out is through…”

Talking to It, To a Piece of Me

Yesterday I wrote about my morning meditation. Julianna kindly commented with helpful questions I could use to get in closer touch with the sensations I was experiencing. Her comment was ‘heaven’-sent because I have been in the habit, since i was very young, of freezing in the face of my own inner messages. I got either dismissed or somehow chastized for saying or feeling my truths. So, paying attention to my own sensations and feelings is something I need and really, really want to work on. I have, in some moments begun to experience the relief and inner liberation that comes with self-acknowledgement and free self- expression.

Yesterday’s concrete block was still there last night during meditation, and still this morning as well. With Julianna’s message beside me I began my mediation with some trepidation. Just like the ‘don’t talk don’t tell’ pattern one learns in dysfunctional family and relationship situations…Well, I think I even have that with myself. I felt like I was going to scare the sensation away, like it would see me coming from a mile away with “questions”….ooooh… I tried to stay present and simply ‘notice’ if I could still feel the block, its constitution, its weight, its shape. It was initially the shape of an actual block. A big one, as big as can fit in my consciousness. When I began to think about the questions — what it your purpose? why are you here? — the initial message what that it was TRYING to weigh me down. Try to stop me from moving. From Speaking. From getting away. So fast. Trying to make me just sit there, like I was a restless or delirious 3-year old who couldn’t sit still. The concrete block was, if I was still trying to do a million things, trying to tire me out by forcing me to carry it around with me until I drop.

Then, with that thought, it shifted in shape. It became a concrete “chunk”. Like a piece of concrete, mis-shapen as though it had broken off from a structure, and you could see the stones on the broken edges, slightly worn edges, smoothed out. It sits there, on the floor of my gut, like it belongs there, inside me. Like it is there for the kid part of me to climbs upon it and sit, with a good view, with satisfaction. I think I got the feeling that it is the ‘rock’ inside me. The rock that doesn’t want to budge. The part of me that is non-negotiable. The part I should be counting on. Homebase… For right now it feels heavy and uncomfortable. Maybe because I am not used to paying any attention to the fact that I have backbone. I’m used to flailing about as though on a rough sea without any control over my destiny- that is how I am used to ‘rolling’…

Little Shantelle, I feel, is sitting proudly on top of that piece of me inside. She feels safe there. I am taken aback still, because what I really feel, what I really think, what I really want have not felt like safe places on which to stand. They feel like balls on the ends of chains. But maybe I am discovering a piece of ‘home’ that I have never enjoyed. Like an orphan who grows to feel more secure on the run–it takes some getting used to, the thought that home is right here.

Ugh, Self Work is Hard Work…!!

Feelings are not something that are controllable. I may have a reaction to the negative ones that silences or contains them for the moment most days, but they have a mind of their own and make their way back the surface of my conscious experience over and over.

This morning I felt dread, and it has remained with me into this afternoon.

I began The Presence Process a week ago.

The Presence Process

I am meditating for 15 mins twice a day, and in the process learning out to attend to and integrate my feelings, even the ones that should be long forgotten, the ones that have been lingering for decades.

When I did my meditation this morning, I noticed that the dread, or whatever feeling that is (it is difficult to describe – it simply feels like a large concrete block on my torso right now). It is such a heavy feeling that I did not feel much else. Only a dark, kind of eery din, like one would hear if there was some kind of standoff between two deathly enemies, two gunslingers…and the whole town could do nothing but stand there, paralyzed, deathly quiet, lest they trigger a premature reaction. I sat in great discomfort, in uncomfortable anticipation wanting to make something happen but somehow finding the willpower to follow Michael Brown’s instructions and ‘do nothing’. Thoughts came and went about unrelated things, thoughts that sought to distract me from the discomfort, the darkness, the possible catastrophe… But I returned to my breathing each time, shallow, high-paced breathing…

And just after the chime sounded, just before I got up from the meditation, something occurred to me. I identify the feeling negatively, as ‘in the way’, as hurtful, ominous, as casting a shadow, crippling… All unfavorable descriptors.

But our feelings are useful messages, meant to help us find our way back to equilibrium. And meditation is about giving open-minded attention to what comes up. To accepting and allowing the feelings to be processed, with the understanding that they are valid, and necessary. The Presence Process is about learning to improve one’s experience of emotional trials and tribulations. Of any trials and tribulations. Even the experience of negative feelings. To see the value in those messages.

I realized, I have been trying to avoid giving an accepting recognition to that dread. That fear. That exasperation. I forget that because it takes up emotional space in me, it deserves my recognition, my undivided attention.

So, I affirm.
I feel dread. I feel hopelessness. I feel very, very low. Yes, feelings, you are correct. You actually are. You truly are as you appear.
And I can not deny you no matter how hard I try.
And I will find out what you are telling me if just be with you.

This means another change as well.

You, my inner emotional Sentinel. You have been a trooper. I can not knock you for having so often diverted the scary emotions for me, for having tried to save me from the worst experiences of people, events, the shock of my own feelings. There is nothing more capable than you of trying to save me from scary feelings. Telling them they can’t come in. Telling them they have the wrong address, the wrong door, the wrong girl, and keep them, more and more of them every day, at bay as they keep coming back, knocking, banging, screaming to come in. How absolutely exhausting a job you have had. Thank you.

The news is, I think I can ask you to start to let them in.

I know you are there for me. But I am willing to start to grow up. I am discovering my relationship to the world. The forces that be might be a little more sympathetic than I thought.

I think am willing to learn vulnerability. And I am willing to learn to respond for myself.

I would not be here without you.

But please see me on. On to the next way.
Living WITH myself and those feelings.
Living freely with feelings.
Living free.

What Comes…

I am not owed anything here.

No one owes me anything. The world doesn’t either.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t have what I need.

That simply means that… Everything I have, everything I received was destined for me. And everything that is meant to come my way from now is also.

Imagination

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