Monthly Archives: January 2015

Fifth love letter to me

Good morning, Shantelle (with a smile). I love you.

I’m glad you’re awake. There’s so much I want to enjoy it with you today. I’m glad we like to walk in the park, even in the cold. I’m glad we like to eat different kinds of food. I’m glad we are physically fit, relatively.

Let’s make a couple of fun choices today. We really need it. I will try to be attention to your feelings, and the choices you want to make.

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Good Morning Choice

Today I have choices.

I’m usually scared of my day. Because for most in my life, I’ve had reason to have to anticipate. Anticipate other people’s actions in order to get through my day without too much confrontation. I can feel the squeezing feeling in my head and in my chest when I think about it, when I think about those mornings those days those hours.

Now, again, I’ve been away from my ex for a few weeks. And it’s been a hell of a withdrawal, again. Every time I spend weeks away from him, or months, I always experience a very slow return to life. And every time, I also slowly begin to have insights, and slowly feel the release, new perspectives, and some positivity.

This time, stronger than before, I think I feel more aware of how deeply I constrain myself out of habit. I constrain myself because of their reactions, or because I’m trying to control what that other person does. I think that what I do will change his patterns, for the better, for us. I have actually learned though, that the less I do to affect change like that with him, the better things go. But those good changes are only limited with someone who’s not decided that they don’t want to drink anymore. For someone who hasn’t decided that they think they can feel better or live better or be better with the person They love.

So, I am here alone, fighting a lot of depression especially in the evenings, especially when I’m trying to sleep, and especially when I’m trying to get up in the morning. But when I do good things for myself, I reinforce any positive desires that I have for change, and to become more happy.

Today I have choices. Everything that I do is a choice. And when I feel the fear, or the need to anticipate, or the need to wait for something, I can remind myself that they are just synaptic habits. That I have the choice to pay attention to my body, and pay attention to what today holds for me.

Everything I do is a choice. Choices are about freedom. I can be free.

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Refuge

I’ve been wanting to write an entry for a couple of days now. I want to write an entry about what I’m feeling underneath all of the attention and concentration. I feel stretched to the limit, always “plugged in”. I always feel a rush. It’s not relaxing. I feel suspended like 30 feet up in the air. I want so much for my toes to reach the ground. But i’m afraid that if I get grounded I will cry.

I thought about how to reach out in the last couple of days. To my sponsor or to another Sponsee. Or to another friend. But I don’t know how to express how this feels usually. It is like Tara Brach describes: being in kind of a “trance state. Making all the wheels spin at the same time. No rest for the mind, no rest for the body, even when I’m resting laying down on the sofa, I’m not resting at all.

I listened to Tara Brach’s latest talk today. And it was about coming back to the three things that bring you closest to yourself; in Buddhist terms, the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I think those are the three.

The Dharma, or the present moment, came back to me.but the thing is, the present moment feels really painful. I am literally alone. I’m trying to accomplish a gargantuan task. With a crazy deadline. and I don’t have a partner around. I have closed him out. Because in reality he’s more destructive than supportive. He’s much more toxic than comforting. So I am protecting myself, but in the moment it’s devastating to think about. It’s devastating because I still miss certain things about him. And what I’m doing is refusing to indulge in an addiction.an addiction to helping someone who won’t help themselves. An addiction to avoiding my own self. So the present moment is difficult. Luckily I’m not as afraid of it as I used to be.

And the Sangha -my community- was the other element that I could allow myself to think about tonight. Tara Brach’s exercise was to think about who it is in your lifethat you feel comfortable with, or loved by, or supported by. Someone it doesn’t take much if any effort to be around. She said you could include pets. So I did that. Considering for a moment all the support I have gotten friends with my work, and from fellow travelers my step work, I was able to find some calm.and even reached out and communicated with a couple people.

The biggest revelation I had in thinking about these things tonight, was how afraid I am to experience my own reality. To pay attention to my actual circumstances and, like a good parent, Sort through them and help myself move on. I’m so afraid to be myself. I’m so afraid to be scared, and show that I’m scared be resentful and show that I’m resentful, be angry and show that I’m angry. Be happy and show that I’m happy, be lonelyand show that I am lonely. All human beings feel these things. Why do I think I shouldn’t? Imagining allowing myself makes me feel like there is a waterfall coming. The waterfall of tears.but I do have love for myself in there, Interestingly because I seem to care about other people’s waterfalls. That’s my only link to me right now, it feels like I’m so afraid to be selfish, But truly being with me is actually refuge. I want it to feel like home.

Fourth love letter to me.

Good morning, Shantelle. I’m here, I’m sorry I sit back sometimes. I feel lazy sometimes. Tired. But I know you need the connection all the time. I know you need me to be connected to me. I’m working at it all the time. I get distracted by the trance-y things, the worries, the pattern I of waiting around for something it’s not gonna happen. In the moment I remember you, I think of you, I breathe and try to feel you.I will try to do that many times today. I love you.

Good luck with your chapters. Good luck with doing the important things that you want to do today. I know you’re fitting in everything you can. Don’t forget to take the silent moments. I’ll be there right beside you.

Today’s Appointment: I have ground to stand on.

I’ve been going to therapy sessions every single week since last summer I think. It’s amazing, doing it every week with the exception of over the Christmas holidays.

That’s pretty extraordinary! Going to therapist to talk about things that you’re scared to talk about. To try to talk about things that you didn’t know how to talk about. To try and explore feelings nephew impossible to manage and sometimes even identify.

I don’t treat myself well. I don’t even give myself credit for all of this work. A few times in the past number of weeks or even months, I’ve noticed that I can look back on my weeks and that I actually feel proud of myself. I can look at myself as someone I like, and who takes responsibility for her feelings, and is trying not to blame other people or circumstances for the situation she’s in. I can feel the person in myself eventually being able to be free.

This morning my therapist asked how he felt over the holidays, when we could meet for three or four weeks. I told her that I felt like I had to hold my breath.I told her that my sessions Jim’s self-care. Evidence that I was a worthy person. That over the holidays i felt destitute.

Well talking to her this morning, I realize that I put a lot more focus on the things that I do that I feel are failures, struggles, or desperate.I don’t put much focus on the moments that I really value myself I put a lot of focus of the moments that I sacrifice myself sacrifice my well-being my health, my self-care my affection for myself. The moments were actually care for myself, I pretend those arenot as important to focus on. Like a machine and then, but I like their unsafe moments to share, or do put me in harms way.

But the ways that I take care of myself, try to be honest with myself, they are actually the pillars, of my life. Every single day. And they are the proof.

And Now What…? I know. But I’m still asking.

Traumatic before-christmas thing…where G verbally assaulted me and blamed me for him ‘possibly’ getting stopped for drinking and driving. It gives me a desperation/panic/anger attack every time I think about it. Then he kept on telling me how no matter how irresponsible he was the biggest thing was that I would watch him get stopped, and that I didn’t care… I go into a downward spiral every time I think about that because I feel compelled to defend myself and correct him and explain every single way that I have ever watched out for him while he drank and risked everything he has 100’s of times.

I have cut things off to the point of there being a very flimsy thread hanging between us… I have not been able to cut it off 100%… Which makes me feel like shit. I am still trying to feel good by giving him even the smallest chance of pulling it together. Giving him the VERY last opportunity to apologize, to find feeling and personal responsibility somewhere down deep in that gut of his.

A few days after xmas he texts me to ask me to leave a couple of things out for him so he can pick them up. I don’t respond.

New Year’s day he texts me this video… http://englishtoghetto.com/

A couple of days later I text him “…”

A day later he texts me “Good mind. Never tasted alcohol.”

I feel like he is trying to reel me back in with pity…

A couple of days later I text him, “I hope you give your mind a chance sometime.”

A week or more passes. I have been feeling the need to ‘voice’ something. Just to myself. I come across a song that really stirs up some feeling. Never in a million years would I sing something, record it, and send it… But I do. Yesterday.

Today he responds. With… a surprised face, a teary face, and a bashful face…

I don’t respond.

A few hours later, he calls. I don’t answer.

I call my sponsor and check in about it all. I have to leave a message.

I almost pick up the phone to call back. I am feeling all of the good possibilities I dream of. I don’t pick up the phone…

I come here, and write this.

I have to remember, when he calls…he wants something.

He left no message. He does not tell me any of his truth. He uses no words. He expresses nothing genuine, from him. He only reacts. He does not act.

I am used to reacting to his calls, his messages, because that is the only way I get love. If I respond to him. But he never comes from a true, intentional place.

He thinks, “oh, maybe she still loves me, so I’ll respond.”
He never thinks, “I love her, so I will do…”

I am the fuel, he is the exhaust. I don’t want to be exhaust too.

Beautiful you journal day 11-what is inside his body

Where is most important about who IM is what is inside this party of mine, but people cannot see.

what is in this body of mine?

Memories and fears, courage and persistence. Hope, ideals, loneliness,tenderness, resentment, need, talent, ambition.

The Crux

Why do I believe them, when they say I don’t care?

Because if THEY don’t believe I care, they won’t love me.

Shantelle, I believe you care.
You are not what other people see.

Shantelle, you can do absolutely nothing about what they believe. You can not change their thoughts or feelings.
This last point does not hit home easily. The denial pops right up.

All because I don’t know where else love is.

Beautiful you journal Day 10

What do I appreciate most about myself?

I appreciate my steadfastness. I appreciate my tenacity. I appreciate my cooking skills. I appreciate the fact thatI think I can do anything. I think I can learn anything. I like to try anything. I appreciate that I have discretion. I appreciate and wisdom. I appreciate thatboth the picture and the smaller picture.

One of my most confident about?

I think I am most confident in my physical abilities.

What is the first positive memory I have of myself?

Was anyone there to witness that moment?

If so who is there? And how did they react?

Question

What are the things that I need to do today, that will be of most value in bringing me closer to my goals, closer to my deepest desires, and closer or facing the right direction towards my fullest potential?

And now listen…