Monthly Archives: December 2014
According to the Globe and Mail this is what 2015 looks like for me. A few more months of unsettledness and turmoil…
Saturn left your sign in the final days of 2014 – that’s the good news. The bad news is that the planet of testing and toil turns retrograde in March and then moves back into your sign in mid-June. Don’t worry. All that will happen is that you will be given a final chance to wrap up loose ends, and maybe end a relationship you no longer need. By September, when Saturn moves away from your sign again, it will feel as if a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You will grow older this year but you will grow wiser too. Use that wisdom to create the life you dream of.
Thanks to Nother blogger remembered to express my gratitude in the century today. I’m very fortunate to have the people and things in my life that I do right now. Today I am grateful for:
Eggs and toast for breakfast, comfy bed, The lovely Tibetan Buddhist monk that I listen to this morning on YouTube, the lovely windows in my apartment, electricity to power my computer well I am writing my thesis, avocados, very soft, Perceptive Al-Anon sponsor, very loyal codependents anonymous recovery friend, a very good university friend who will be helping me with my thesis in the next couple of days, the sensations in my body that try to tell me what I need and wantand of the types of things are good for me. And I’m grateful for my feelings, no matter how startling or uncomfortable or scary or stuffed down they are. And and thankful for Alfons my cat. I never say thanks for him and I should’ve.
And whoever you are thank you for being out there and reading.
I would not have stuck around someone who felt is was ok to lie to or deceive me.
If I thought I deserved the best of someone as a partner, I would not have waited around and taken the consolation for so long.
I feel horrified.
I did not do anything that would justify G treating me the way he has.
I was never unkind to anyone, talk behind anyone’s back, disrespect anyone, cheated on anyone…
I do not deserve one more ounce of manipulation, emotional demands…any demands.
He does not deserve one more microgram of my energy. Not one breath in his direction.
His insecurity is not my insecurity. His fears are not my fears. His need to prove something is not my need to prove something.
I didn’t have to prove anything but that I loved him and I did that thousands of times, tens of thousands of times, hundreds of thousands of times. Funny how he didn’t see it.
Fear of being dependent.
Fear of being soft, vulnerable, showing I’m scared.
Fear of needing something from someone, fear of showing that I need to be taken care of too….and it being inconvenient for them.
What is my deepest intention in my relationships?
– To show I am there for the other person, and that I am accepting of them.
I’m worried about you, Shantelle. You are incredibly lonely. And you seem incredibly unmotivated. Every night I watch you trying to go to bed without being on the Internet. Every morning I watch you try to get upand go do some exercise before you get sluggish.
Every day you are waiting for something to happen. Every day you give up because what you waiting for is not here.
I want to help, but I don’t know how to help you see through The hopelessness. I can tell when I try to convince you or push you that you stand taught. Frozen in fear, of what will happen if you get up out of bed, if you go to the park for a run, if you pay soul attention to yourself. You’re so afraid. And I don’t know how to comfort you.I feel inadequate, unLoving, because I don’t know how to respond. How do I keep your attention? I love you and I want you to feel comfortable. Comfortable enough to come out of your skin. How do I usher you out of this dark place? What do I say? What do Iconvince you with?
Remember I am you. I want to see you finish. I want to see you not hungry. I want to see you able to relax. I want to give that to you. And I want to feel that from you. We are inthis together. We can’t get away from each other. We have to find a way to talk to each other, and listen to each other. Trust each other.
What can I do to be there for you? So that you know you’re not alone, so that you know exactly what you are is enough. Exactly what you are is enough.
I’ll just tell you: if you get up and good side for a hike or run, you feel the love. If you don’t I’ll give you a hug, because you obviously need one. If you get up and make yourself breakfast, You’ll be happy, because you make great breakfasts. And you’re already healthy so you perk right up. You have such a strong capable body, a body that wants to move, and do things for you. You can do whatever you want with your body. If you get up and write down the things that you want to or need to do today, and put them on a plan, schedule,and stick to it, you’ll get there. Give yourself that. You deserve it. No one else can feel as good as you when you do things that youwant and need to do. Experiment. See how good you could make yourself feel today. Just give it a try. Everything you do is getting yourself further ahead. I will be there and do my best to encourage you. You deserve my encouragement, and I will try to be mindful thinking and saying encouragement all day.
I know I don’t pay attention to you as much as you need me to. I know I expect too much of you. I know I don’t give enough consideration to what you like to do,how you like to spend your time, what you’re scared of, the fact that you like good surprises. I can think about how to improve, I’m capable of thinking of ways to improve. But I’m sorry I haven’t acted. i’m sorry I haven’t made bigger changes faster. I want you to feel relaxed when you go to bed. I want you to feel welcome when you wake up. I want you to have things to look forward to every day. I want you to know thati’ll do things and hang out with people that will give you things to be excitedabout, not nervous about.
I do love you. You’re very important to me. Your peace of mind is very important to me. Your health is important to me. That you find someone to love and who will love you is important to me. Your broken heart pains me. Your worries worried me. If you fears scare me. I will do better. I’ll find more courage. You will know that I’m here for you. You’ll know that you are heard. You will know that someone understands.
I recently watched the movie, Groundhog Day and it got me thinking that many of us, myself included can be living our own groundhog day. A groundhog is a creature of habit. Much of our lives are governed by habits we have adopted in our lives and these habits can be serving us and not serving us.
We can have good habits and bad habits. We can have habits which reduce our quality of life or increase it. We can have habits which lead our lives to a place of misery and destruction or to a place of happiness and fulfillment.
We may have habits such as smoking, drinking lots of alcohol, eating the wrong foods, not exercising, hanging out with the wrong people, spending money rather than saving it or even going to bed late. Most of our lives can be a routine of habits, day in and day out. These…
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If I don’t do this, I won’t accept it from anyone else. I notices I’m sitting around alone these days, that I’m pretty starved for good company. I’m not very good company for myself.
How does one love care trust and respect themselves? When I want love from G, I look for him to put me first, before his drinking buddies,before anybody besides his kids. How do I put me first? I want you to come home, and do things with me that are important to making a home.
Care? When I look for care from G, I look for him to listen, be interested, show empathy for my feelings, and comfort me if he sees it might need it. I spent a lot of time making little gestures of physical contact towards him. For the longest time felt nice for me because I felt like I was getting a little something in the reciprocal sense. But after a while, I realized he wasjust taking it. I realized I sat beside and him for hundreds and hundreds of evenings, touching his back in his arms and caressing his head. Every once in a while I noticed if I didn’t touch him he didn’t touch me. I noticed he didn’t come halfway.
Caring for myself means paying attention to how I’m doing. Giving myself comfort when I need it. Even hugging myself or massaging myself. Or taking myself to do things that are going to be comforting like going for a walk or going to yoga. Caring is showing that I notice how I’m doing and respond.
I get to this point in this entry, and I realize it’s a lot to think about, what caring and love and respect and trust actually mean. Let alone what it means to show those things to yourself or someone else. It’s a lot to think about. Overwhelming.It’s a lot to think about changing.
Trust. Trusting G meant trying to see past my fears, the experiences I had with him, the patterns I knew he had or we had. I spent so much time trying to trust him over and over again. Trusting myself shouldbe a lot easier. But then again in order to trust oneself, we have to pay attention to what her own patterns are. What do I know about my fearful reactions, my anxiety, my anger, my sadness,my codependent and addictive behaviors? I can trust myself to come home. I can trust myself to make dinner. I don’t know what else I can trust myself with. I don’t thinkI put myself first. I don’t think I can trust myself to be aware in the moment every single time I need something for myself. I need to learn to take my time.
Respect? I certainly don’t think that my thoughts reflect respect for myself. I think I have a lot of impatience for myself. I think I have a lot of criticism for myself. I think I scare myself a lot. I think I don’t pay attention to my accomplishments, or my work ethic. I think I look down on myself. I think I don’t believe that I deserve respect from other people. I think that I think I’m not a good catch, that I’m not worthy of attention. I want to respect myself. But that’s gonna take some practice. Respecting one’s self is about giving oneselfThe benefit of the doubt that they’re doing the best they can, that they have good reason for the way they do things. Respecting someoneis trusting someone. Respecting someone is doing what you said you were going to do. Respecting someone is being trustworthy to that person. Respecting someone is always the esteeming that person, Talking in a caring way about them, never putting them down. Respecting someone is not allowing others to talk negatively about someone in your presence.I need to fulfill my responsibilities to myself, I need to show myself that I can trust me. I need to respect my needs, give myself what I need, trust that when I need something then it’s true.
Having a relationship with myself-good practice for having a relationship with someone else. But I have scary steep hill to climb.