Monthly Archives: March 2015
At my therapist’s this morning, we got to exploring the fact that I am pent up emotionally. She expressed how she perceived me, how she felt that I was just waiting to be able to just let go and scream from the mountain tops or laugh with reckless abandon. And how I am super rigid about the boundaries I have that don’t allow that to happen. Basic stuff? Yeah. But a minefield of a place to navigate inside.
What is a safe place to talk about how you feel? What is a safe time to really express what’s going on in my mind and heart? I make excuses constantly that justify me keeping all of my gobbledy-goop inside.
I might offend someone.
I might look out of control.
I might be wrong.
Someone will hate me for it.
Someone will distance themselves.
I will have to do it multiple times.
It will be painful.
I won’t be a grown-up.
Everything will fall apart.
Oh, and I feel destitute when someone says they will be ‘there’ and don’t show because I got used to the idea that they would be. And I planned on it. I planned for something, and if they are not there and something else happens I will be alone… I know that is a little mysterious… But I had to write it down. Because the alone thing…I have to sort that out. Why am I sometimes fine with being alone, and other times feel completely beside myself?
There is a difference between self-pity and self-care.
There is a difference between.vulnerability and weakness.
I think I hate my vulnerability because as young girl I learned that there was no difference between that and weakness.
How do I learn to genuinely care for my vulnerability, to generally care for myself as a vulnerable, fragile human being?
These are the rules I (desire to) go by…
I relax for sleep
I care for my feelings.
I think only good things about myself.
I trust my body.
I am allowed to distrust obsessive thoughts.
I found this piece of paper that I had written a bunch of things down on. They all sound like explanations for how I could convince myself to stay away from G.
The notes look like this:
Getting worse-he never said The things he says now – well, maybe.
I often write down thoughts on little pieces of paper and they end up being scattered all around my place. On the backs of grocery lists, receipts, half-printed sheets of paper… They are usually thoughts about how I’m feeling. But I don’t write how I am feeling. I write the thoughts that are behind those feelings often. I try.
On one piece of paper, I have a heading that’s underlined; “stress”, and then on bullet points below I say,
-Not doing well in dance
– what is G doing today, now?
– I feel empty, braced for something bad, an impact.
– none of my tasks are ever finished, ever. I burden myself by leaving them open.
– I didn’t choose to learn to sail when I was young because 1) I didn’t want to be my mother’s mascot, puppet, or “in” at the yacht club; 2) I was afraid those people wouldn’t like me 3) I was nervous and self sabotaging in performances when I was young, I was terrified to fail and look bad 4) those people were better than me, us, my mother thought, so I felt it was a risk.
Lies: in so many forms
Deception: even me pretending so many things
I cried with hurt feelings I had for the Robert event-from being molested.
On another piece of paper I think I was doing an exercise of writing down my feelings, and when I had those feelings. The notes look like this:
I feel incensed, irate when he tells me I suck. I feel this way because I am so kind to him, and patient.
I felt deathly afraid when my dad tried to smother me with a pillow, because I wasn’t going to be able to stop it
I feel irate what I think about how impetuous my father was when he tried to smother me.
I feel ashamed when I log for G because I have gotten so little respect and consideration in the relationship.
I feel betrayed when people lie to me because I believe that they know what they say or do will hurt my feelings.
I feel grief when I go without seeing G for a really long time.
Attaching specific feelings to events is a good exercise. Other people don’t need to know these things, first and foremost, but I do. I need to know them about myself, and hear them,and pay attention to them.