Monthly Archives: March 2015

Safe Place for Expressing Emotions

At my therapist’s this morning, we got to exploring the fact that I am pent up emotionally. She expressed how she perceived me, how she felt that I was just waiting to be able to just let go and scream from the mountain tops or laugh with reckless abandon. And how I am super rigid about the boundaries I have that don’t allow that to happen. Basic stuff? Yeah. But a minefield of a place to navigate inside.

What is a safe place to talk about how you feel? What is a safe time to really express what’s going on in my mind and heart? I make excuses constantly that justify me keeping all of my gobbledy-goop inside.

I might offend someone.
I might look out of control.
I might be wrong.
Someone will hate me for it.
Someone will distance themselves.
I will have to do it multiple times.
It will be painful.
I won’t be a grown-up.
Everything will fall apart.

Oh, and I feel destitute when someone says they will be ‘there’ and don’t show because I got used to the idea that they would be. And I planned on it. I planned for something, and if they are not there and something else happens I will be alone… I know that is a little mysterious… But I had to write it down. Because the alone thing…I have to sort that out. Why am I sometimes fine with being alone, and other times feel completely beside myself?

There is a difference…

There is a difference between self-pity and self-care.

There is a difference between.vulnerability and weakness.

I think I hate my vulnerability because as young girl I learned that there was no difference between that and weakness.

How do I learn to genuinely care for my vulnerability, to generally care for myself as a vulnerable, fragile human being?

My Rules

These are the rules I (desire to) go by…

I sleep

I relax for sleep

I eat.

I care for my feelings.

I think only good things about myself.

I trust my body.

I am allowed to distrust obsessive thoughts.

Preparing to leave.

I found this piece of paper that I had written a bunch of things down on. They all sound like explanations for how I could convince myself to stay away from G.

The notes look like this:

Anger management

Getting worse-he never said The things he says now – well, maybe.

I can’t be here
I’m going to go, and when you get anger management, get counseling, I will be there.
I don’t want to be faced with my partner saying things that make me feel so scared and so out of place.
I want to talk to him when he’s not drinking. If he doesn’t come to me to talk sober, I’m going to plan to go. If he does not call and they can play with counselor, I’m going to go
I’m getting depressed.
I’m getting mixed messages.
I think that the best thing is for me to go. We can Live separately and you can see if you really want to be with me. I can’t live with the ups and downs.
If you don’t Think you you need to work on anything then you’re telling me that you choose to respond to me like you did the other night, and that you think it’s okay even though it’s not okay for me.
I don’t want you here anymore. I love you and I want every day, every week, and every month to be free of the downs you have.
When you do things disregard us, I should just say, “That upset me. “And why.
I am an easier around you. Afraid to share my feelings.
How you’ve always done stuff is not going to work anymore.
I know that you’re saying you feel I am just unhappy with you.
I can’t seem to work effectively wallet with you.
The weekend before last, When you called Mary Lou, you seemed like you wanted me to hear her saying that you need to be on your own.

Notes to myself all over the place.

I often write down thoughts on little pieces of paper and they end up being scattered all around my place. On the backs of grocery lists, receipts, half-printed sheets of paper… They are usually thoughts about how I’m feeling. But I don’t write how I am feeling. I write the thoughts that are behind those feelings often. I try.

On one piece of paper, I have a heading that’s underlined; “stress”, and then on bullet points below I say,

-Not doing well in dance

– what is G doing today, now?

– I feel empty, braced for something bad, an impact.

– none of my tasks are ever finished, ever. I burden myself by leaving them open.

– I didn’t choose to learn to sail when I was young because 1) I didn’t want to be my mother’s mascot, puppet, or “in” at the yacht club; 2) I was afraid those people wouldn’t like me 3) I was nervous and self sabotaging in performances when I was young, I was terrified to fail and look bad 4) those people were better than me, us, my mother thought, so I feltĀ it was a risk.

Lies: in so many forms

Deception: even me pretending so many things

I cried with hurt feelings I had for the Robert event-from being molested.

On another piece of paper I think I was doing an exercise of writing down my feelings, and when I had those feelings. The notes look like this:

I feel incensed, irate when he tells me I suck. I feel this way because I am so kind to him, and patient.

I felt deathly afraid when my dad tried to smother me with a pillow, because I wasn’t going to be able to stop it

I feel irate what I think about how impetuous my father was when he tried to smother me.

I feel ashamed when I log for G because I have gotten so little respect and consideration in the relationship.

I feel betrayed when people lie to me because I believe that they know what they say or do will hurt my feelings.

I feel grief when I go without seeing G for a really long time.

Attaching specific feelings to events is a good exercise. Other people don’t need to know these things, first and foremost, but I do. I need to know them about myself, and hear them,and pay attention to them.

Scared,confused