Monthly Archives: September 2015
I feel like I want to disappear.
I feel like I want to put I myself through something uncomfortable…like to show them that, “ok, you succeeded. I feel super inadequate and useless, and uncomfortable with myself. I get it.”
It’s a jarring feeling.
I wonder if most feelings are jarring for me…
I disappear. And I try to make myself disappear.
My chest feels like someone has pressed on it, compressed it. Punched it. Shocked me out of breathing.
The noise jars me. It is amplified. Every noise he makes. The loudness of the noise between objects. I know how hard he is moving.
This house is hollow-sounding… Everything noise I make is amplified, and like an announcement that I am doing something. The house reports back to him with its ability to carry sound. I am so physically drained. Trying to be quiet. Trying to find softness, absorption, a quiet place to cuddle with myself. There are none.
I find quiet for an undisclosed amount of time in front of the big windows, while he sleeps.
I feel his…vibe. Like a huge rock rattling against me.
After these couple of days here, my body is shutting down. Sinus pain, throat inflamed and I can’t swallow, head feeling large and heavy, aching.
I can’t not believe that I am a prisoner here.
Do I want to get to know him/them?
Am I comfortable with him/them?
How do I feel when I am with him/them?
Do I trust him/them?
Do I have respect for him/them?
What do I respect about him/them?
What do I respect about me and does he respect that?
Does he make plans with me?
How do I know he is available? Emotionally available?
I write a lot of notes on scraps of paper…and find them in the piles I have around the house:
no my supervisor’s
*My intuition is only right 100% of the time.
Why don’t I want to work on my thesis?
– nobody cares
– there’s not enough time
– I don’t like what I wrote
Why SHOULD I work on my thesis? (Why do I WANT to work on my thesis?)
– because I must if I want to complete it…
What is in between start and completion?
What would I LIKE to do?
– but I have all the time in the world…! no outside constraints, no kids, no husband, no job…
Accepting and Receiving:
I am meant to have whatever comes to me. And what is required.
Everything I have is mine to experience.
Give myself an experience regardless of time.
I love myself unconditionally.
There are no “consequences” when I do what is in front of me, when I receive what I require…
Observe, learn, accommodate my own process. Always live with my own process at the forefront of my mind.
Celebrate my own gifts.
Love my emotions, let them flow in and out. Experience the felt sensations.
In the past I learned to hate my own process. By process i mean the changing reactionary, evolving feelings, thoughts, actions I have as I expereince life. I learned to hate it because it has seemed to hold me back in relationships where I have to conduct myself according to others’ pace, timelines, demands, etc. I was always struggling to get by, to get around my own process – the feelings I had, preferences, needs, likes – it always felt like my process was standing in the way.
What do I not accept about myself?
I found a this week that had a useful exercise:
What do I not accept about myself?
After writing it down, write down every item of proof that makes me feel good about it.
My efforts to be in a relationship that is painful for me.
– there is ‘something’ good about that person.
– I give people lots of chances.
– I try to make people feel loved even if they don’t do the same for me.
– I try to make people feel deserving, even if they don’t do the same for me.
I have procrastinated
I have allowed myself to be hurt again and again.
I have put myself in situations that leave me feeling foolish and humiliated…over and over…the same situations.
[I will complete this entry very soon…]
Being present in the moment helps with discovering how to really live change…
I’ve made changes in the past 2-3 years. But also am holding on to a lot of old patterns, habits of fear that keep me from taking BIG steps in a new direction. In moments I can more clearly feel that I’m still standing on a sinking boat. The water is up to my ankles and getting higher now. But I had become so used to the soggy feeling that I could fix my gaze elsewhere and ignore it.
This morning I was hoping to put words to the felt sensation I most often have in my stomach when I wake up in the morning. It’s a nagging feeling like I left home and left the stove or the iron on or something. Finally the words came. I have to jump ship now. This one I made home and built with scared eyes and a scared heart is going down.
I must jump ship. And I don’t have to be afraid that what I leave behind is anything I need. Look forward and jump.
I’m now into my 5th week of The Presence Process. (See the book by Michael Brown)
And felt sensations and feelings are banging on my inside walls like never before. It’s clearer to me every day how much is compacted down in the recesses of me… And clearer and clearer in the moment when I am trying to beat down feelings instead of feel, express and/or process them.
Right now I am trying to read some anthropology stuff and feeling a mixture of guilt and hate and angst because of how I’ve handled my work in the past years.
I simply need to take this opportunity to express how absolutely uncomfortable I feel. How irritated and painstaken I feel. I noticed I was trying to keep it in and go on with things. And I’d rather not. I’d rather begin to process so I don’t take this “grrrr” with me into the afternoon, evening and night…
I didn’t ever know that was possible. I’m still learning to believe that feeling is part of life. It’s a human thing. And attending to my feelings is absolutely necessary and human and…a gift. To myself and to others.
Say what we’re afraid to say, afraid to feel. All the time. To others, or even to ourselves. And hear it.
i think this is one of the few ways I consciously share myself with the world.
I’m a perfectionist…unfortunately. So a part of me whispers before and after I write each entry here that I haven’t ‘gotten there yet’… I haven’t written the best entry, it hasn’t been said in the best words in the best order, with the best editing. And it won’t get the most readers or the best comments or reach people the deepest and make the most change…
I might want to accept that every entry I write does not start from the beginning or end at the end. None provide a three or four dimensional picture, in themselves, of a piece of life as we know it, from a perspective that everyone can identify with… Each is, and feels like a little clay figure – but constructed of words instead – that I…
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1. What specifically can you do to be free from your codependency? from codependencyinfo.blogspot.com
Hello! A while ago I got a question from a blog-reader on what specifically to do to be free from the codependency. Good question! There is no straight answer. But I’m going to go on and type out some tips here:
Getting rid of your codependency is a process. It is personal development. That’s why it can take time. You can fall back into old behaviors sometimes, and you have to start over again. It can come back slowly or unexpectedly, and then you have to deal with it all over again.
Firstly, what codependent behaviors have you developed? In this post is a long list of…
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After A While
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your […]