Monthly Archives: August 2012
Not calling G is a lot of pain. What a difficult lesson.
It’s like the Neverending Story. Trudging through dirt, danger and death before finding my own self love on the other side.
I keep on coming back to the same spots, over and over.
I have felt close to G because he needed me. Because he made it seem like he needed me. Not because we were independent. He needed promise. Just like my mother. Living on hope not on action to get you out of the crap theyre in.
Much of my Concern and attraction to him is because I think he can’t take care of himself.
Just like my mother, telling me she couldn’t do it without me. Teaching me that I was bound to her, that that is love and that that is how I am going to to get it, be anything. I am slowly getting it through to myself that she can do it by herself. She can believe in herself by herself. She can feel good about what she does all by herself. She can also feel bad about herself all by herself.
G can also make his decisions and feel, all by himself. He is not helpless. And I am not in need of his help either. I have wanted only him. But he and me too are so messy that it turned into me placating him in order to stay. Same as my mother. If you are around you she mysteriously sucks you into subscribing to crap… Because that is what she thinks a relationship is.
So painful when it comes to G because, because I don’t want to participate in the same game, he goes ballistic… He thinks living him is accepting his crap. But that is not accepting who he is.
I need to work on ky respect for myself and then the respect for others will come.
Respecting that others are full capable human beings.
G doesn’t need me to know what’s right.
not regretting those feelings, giving weight to them,
then I discover that I didn’t want to be around what I was angry about.
I don’t want to be around my mother who treats me like she has a great relationship with me because I don’t want to lie to myself anymore.
I don’t call G because I don’t want to lie to myself anymore about not wanting to placate him when he is drinking.
I don’t call a friend because I don’t feel happiness, I don’t want to feel expectation, I don’t know what to do to be real and not feel crappy at the same time. I don’t know exactly what is real about me and I am tired of lying to myself…
Difficult. Calmness feels unstable.
Last night I took a quick stroll around the block and then sat on the front step for a bit. I could have sat there all night. The problem is that I didn’t have time. I had to work before I went to bed.
In order to feel my feelings and let the peace last I think I need to sit for as long as I need to. Without a time limit. I really need to do that. Every time I get up prematurely, before I am finished enjoying the calm, I feel like I sabotage myself. I need to take a day off. I need to book free time, unstructured empty time.
Scary. Not doing something usually feels like I am useless and empty.
Today I needed to reparent myself. Guy swore at me when I was biking. I erupted with pissiness in response. Caught up to him and told home ‘someone is going to _uck him over today.’
Was just like I was sitting up in a tree, swearing at Robert when I was a little girl.
1) Wow, just in this moment realized I learned that from my mother!!!!!!!!! She has blamed and resented so much. So much that I don’t want to be around her. At all. I cannot take me doing it and seeing her doing it, reminding me of how deep in crap I am with her. I don’t even want to think about being ‘with’ her in any way.
2) I first thought – as I was thinking about it this morning – that I needed to parent myself – tell myself that I am sorry that happened to me, that I must have been scared and felt so terrified that no one was there to save me. Robert felt so big and not within my ability to get away from. And I was so angry about having no one to call. No one to depend on… I felt like more of an inconvenience than a child to be cared for, more like baggage that was awkward and annoying and a creature that my mother did not understand. I do want to do that. But it is also nice to see more clearly now what i have modelled my reactions after…
To re-parent myself, I have to handle things like and adult, and comfort myself (the child that is still there) in my feelings of aloneness and despair and desperation and anger.
Shantelle, you were scared today. But you have a safe place to be. I am here taking care of things. Be open to and give attention to your feelings. There is lots of room for them. They are you very important and very significant feelings. If you pay attention to them enough you will know the right thing to do about them.
When I feel upset, comfort myself first. Sit with it. Write down how I am feeling, not how angry I am at someone.
Like today, when dude swore at me out of his car, I felt unsafe. I felt in jeopardy. I felt endangered, indefensible, threat, small and breakable, susceptible to the worst possible state – death but not death. Susceptible to crushing. Susceptible to complete isolation and aloneness…
If I am to take care of myself, how do I respond to those things? (It’s like a mean trivia question, because I was not taught to pay any attention, which is why I am in this deep hole.)
I learned from my mother to lash out. I saw her just call John names and cry and manipulate, and be openly resentful and ugly.
She is still acting like that. Youch!!
The revelations just keep on coming…
Instead of being hurt and dealing with her own feelings and taking care of herself…she put everything on John, showed us that, and then moved on to others as though there was a better man out there.
I do the exact same thing. Unbelievable. I try not to look angry and resentful, but I recognize that much of the anger I feel is the resentment that I am acting out just like my mother has.
I have not even really clearly seen it. Amazing.
I Do meditate: surprise surprise.
I lived with mother based on her beliefs just like I lived with g. Not my feelings, their beliefs. My insides cave in when I say that.
I did express my feelings when I sat up in that tree.
I wish I could do that now too. Because that is the only outlet I know. But now I have to handle my anger like an adult. That sucks. The easiest would be to sit in a tree and call them an asshole.
Thank you, today.
– asks about my new niece
– looks for ways to show me they care
– don’t wait to spend time with me
– ask to spend time with me in ways that work for me
– I can feel that they care how I feel
– they express that they regret hurting my feelings…
Today, the things I need to focus on for my life to be manageable and happy are:
– getting another chapter draft written
– prepping my classes (call Moodle about my sites)
– having good food to eat
– taking good breaks when I need them
– have fun with something
– prep for my school year (plan exercise, cleaning, work time, birthday, trip in spring, Christmas)
– listen to my body, my mind and my feelings. Act according to me.
I feel like I am resisting, constantly, my feelings, events, people, other peoples feelings, other peoples opinions, stories, my own thoughts and opinions, and my own fears, worries, resisting what people have told me, over weeks and months…