Monthly Archives: August 2018
Do I believe…?
Do I believe that everything I do for myself is a burden?
It makes sense if I do.
I grew up feeling like I was troublesome. My needs were troublesome. Pretty much everything about me was troublesome.
Even feeding me was troublesome.
So imagine now I just thought about stopping to get my glasses fixed tomorrow at school. And it occurred to me that it feels so troublesome.
I think I feel that about most things about me. Most of the time.
I want to feel like everything about me is a pleasure.
I allow myself every opportunity to evolve.
…which means I love myself.
I respect myself.
– I work with my needs and my wants
– I acknowledge my efforts and investments.
– I recognize my emotional attachments.
– I am interested in my feelings… and I value and acknowledge them.
It’s Over.
My entire life I tried to prove that I was not something burdensome, that I was not what they feared, that I was not what they imagined.
While the whole time I really wasn’t any of those things…
Crazy
How do I live now, live with the understanding that I am not
– someones burden
– someones mistake
– someones risk
– someone who wants more than is available for them
?
I just go for it.
And distinguish who I feel I am from who others think I am.
Find Reasons
I have two strong sides to me now.
– the newer learned and more authentic me
– the quiet invisible me that experiences relationships in fear and in destructive ways.
Going forward…I am going to:
– stop relationships where I feel like I slip into accommodating
– do things that I enjoy and find reasons to love myself.
Taking it on
He talked like I was an obstacle to his success.
I took that on.
without noticing the pattern.
I tried to not be an obstacle to his success.
I tried to prove that I wasn’t.
Then I realized what he had been saying.
And then realized that I am not the or any obstacle to his success.
But that is what kept me there.
Like with my mother.