Do I believe…?

Do I believe that everything I do for myself is a burden?

It makes sense if I do.

I grew up feeling like I was troublesome. My needs were troublesome. Pretty much everything about me was troublesome.

Even feeding me was troublesome.

So imagine now I just thought about stopping to get my glasses fixed tomorrow at school. And it occurred to me that it feels so troublesome.

I think I feel that about most things about me. Most of the time.

I want to feel like everything about me is a pleasure.

I allow myself every opportunity to evolve.

…which means I love myself.

I respect myself.

– I work with my needs and my wants

– I acknowledge my efforts and investments.

– I recognize my emotional attachments.

– I am interested in my feelings… and I value and acknowledge them.

It’s Over.

My entire life I tried to prove that I was not something burdensome, that I was not what they feared, that I was not what they imagined.

While the whole time I really wasn’t any of those things…

Crazy

How do I live now, live with the understanding that I am not

– someones burden

– someones mistake

– someones risk

– someone who wants more than is available for them

?

I just go for it.

And distinguish who I feel I am from who others think I am.

Find Reasons

I have two strong sides to me now.

– the newer learned and more authentic me

– the quiet invisible me that experiences relationships in fear and in destructive ways.

Going forward…I am going to:

– stop relationships where I feel like I slip into accommodating

– do things that I enjoy and find reasons to love myself.

Taking it on

He talked like I was an obstacle to his success.

I took that on.

without noticing the pattern.

I tried to not be an obstacle to his success.

I tried to prove that I wasn’t.

Then I realized what he had been saying.

And then realized that I am not the or any obstacle to his success.

But that is what kept me there.

Like with my mother.