Monthly Archives: July 2013
These are the fears that keep me paralyzed each day lately. I will do the ‘what’s the worst…’ Exercise with these fears.
G won’t call or write: what if he doesn’t? I think I will die. But what really happens is that I survive that day. I hate it and feel like I am in a drug-induced coma when I am simply emotionally spent.
I won’t be able to eat: what if I don’t? I feel weak, I get a headache, feel light-headed. I eventually find something that will go down. I survive.
I won’t have time to prepare for class: what if I don’t? I conduct a lecture based on what I HAVE written down, based on what they most need to know in my opinion. Based on what is foremost in my mind. It actually often ends up being a more genuine lecture, incorporating more of their questions and comments.
I will worry all day: what if I do? I get tired of it. I eventually choose to do something (nothing) to clear my mind a bit. And I get tired of worrying and distract myself or just go to sleep. Nothing terribly terrible about that because I am freakin’ exhausted anyway.
I will be delayed by something beyond my control. What if that happens? I get really annoyed. I swear at that thing or person under my breath. I notice the sharpness of my anger and I allow it and ask my higher power for help to hear myself, and to love myself anyway…
I will have to look at things in my place that I don’t have time to or feel like cleaning up: what if I have to? It leaves me with displeasure… But I get so tired of worrying about it that I look elsewhere, or go elsewhere, or focus on nourishing my body rather than cleaning up ‘things/stuff’…
I won’t get everything on my to-do list done: what if I don’t? I definitely feel disappointment towards myself, tell myself inside that I am scatterbrained and not conscientious, and weak, and lazy…I tell myself that I look bad… But then the next day I am somewhat thankful and happy for another chance to get at that to-do list. There is always the next day…
I will be in a bad mood: What if I am? I suffer through it, because I did not learn to ‘care’ about myself when I was in a bad mood. The worst that happens is that I think about how unpleasant I must look and sound. I feel lonely because I do not want to interact with anyone when I am in a good mood. And I hold onto the hope that I will not be in a bad mood forever…
I will waste a beautiful day being preoccupied with fears… What if I do? I tend to hope for the next day to be nice. And I am always so thankful for another day, which is another chance to find out how to enjoy my day despite my fears. I am always thankful for another day.
Eat breakfast because I want my body to feel like it is happy to take me through the day. I don’t want to give it a reason to die on me or complain to me. I want it to love me back.
Stretch, because my body loves me back when I do. And my body is strong and resilient when i take care of it, and I want to respect that
Organize myself for class, to give myself a less hurried and stressful 2 hours. Give myself some room for assuredness and to enjoy those moments thinking about and doing fun rather than desperate things.
Drive the car, because I will be too weighed down and put too much on my body if I have to carry everything today. And it is the last day of class, so why torture myself with a bus ride that will take more than twice as long as the car.
Pick up booklets in good time and set up classroom in time for students to start test on time. Give them less stress. Makes me happy to take care of things I am responsible for.
Work on what I need to during their test. Use it as my time to tie up loose ends that won’t bother with me later.
Take care of myself today by giving what I need to to keep things running smoothly…in my world…
The terrible inner struggle I’ve been having lately is taking away my appetite, paralyzing me from day to day, depressing and oppressing me, taking away any motivation or inspiration I have, making me look upon myself with disappointment…
The mornings, at the moment I wake up, and evenings getting to sleep are usually the most difficult moments, because my senses are raw…fears kick in as soon as I am conscious enough to hear them in the morning, and loneliness lays on top of me like a 350lb animal last thing in the evening.
I think that almost every negative feeling and thought I have is my ego playing mean games with me. In the morning it is telling me how much of a failure I am, how much work I have to do, how useless I am, how much other people are making my life difficult and sad. And in the evening, my ego is telling me how much of a jerk my ex is, telling me I should have just given in to his alcoholic accusations, demands, arguments, lies…Telling me to call him and say I’m sorry. Telling me I am a lonely loser. Telling me I am supposed to be alone.
And when I lay there in bed through these moments, trying to ‘communicate with God’ ‘get closer’ ‘let go’ so that I don’t vomit, I find I feel very empty. It is confusing. Because I thought only my ego was working on me feeling empty. But trying to give it over to God I can feel like I am in a huge empty room, so empty I can hear the air move.
I think the emptiness comes from not having walked many paths with my higher power. So, even if I shed my ego for just a few moments, and I find that clear place, I am taken aback. I feel vulnerable and out of practice ‘living’ in that place. My ego stands off to the side and shoots snide comments from the back of my mind, making fun of me for standing there like a dope instead of getting up and ‘living’… I do not know (or remember?) how to live close to what I understand is God yet. I thought I was just failing at handing my life over, but it occurs to me after the last few days and after tonight’s meeting that may not entirely be the problem. I hand my life over and then I feel ‘unqualified’, unworthy, and like I am in such a foreign, unintelligible, disorienting, so-pleasant-I-am-terrified place that I just stand there. Unable to budge, clueless. Blowing that chance moment.
I feel the calmness for moments – thank God 😉 – but I have no idea what to do with it so my ego races right back in like an antagonistic little prick, telling me ‘I told you so! hehehe’. And then starts in on its self-absorbed, self-pitying rant…
Rather than feel like I am going to sink any day now… Thinking that I am just NOT getting there…Maybe I should just give it more time. Maybe I will think of a step to take, a direction to turn in. Maybe I will find the courage to be something that God needs me to be in the moment. Maybe I should ask for more help.
At least I think I am starting to recognize the difference between my ego’s voice, and the serenity of surrender… But I feel like I am learning to walk all over again.
Gratitude for a very wonderful open AA meeting tonight. The topic was humility. I have been searching and chasing my humility like a crazy person for the last week and a half especially, and ‘humility and ego’ were the topics tonight. Lucky me 🙂
– admit defeat
– think about what good will come out of stopping feeding my addiction
– forgive myself
– we are here to be of service to the world, we are here as a manifestation of our higher power.
– give my life over to my higher power
I went to the Friday AA meeting again this week. I felt a little imposter-ish because tonight I found out it is a closed meeting. I am not an alcoholic. But I really love this meeting… And my Friday CODA meeting seems to be non-existent now. So I am so thankful to be at the AA meeting. I cry more at AA meetings than the other meetings I go to. I hear such humanity, such humility there. It teaches me. The above things are what people said this evening.
And I feel the defeat. I want to REALLY feel it. My denial is so strong. My survival mechanism is so strong that the reality leaves me not long after I leave a meeting.
But I felt so strongly about the point about being here to be of service. If I am to be the being that is an extension of my higher power…I would love that. If I do not let my diseased mind take over and just let my higher power (for me that is the cumulative life-giving power…the power that allow our hearts to beat, our lungs to inflate, our diaphragms to contract…our blood to circulate…the power that allows me to see the world, to hear it, to touch it…) move me through this world I can find peace. If I can hold my horses so to speak, and move through life this moment as my higher power sees that I should move through life…
Then I can looking lovingly and gently upon myself, forgiving myself for piling mistakes on top of mistakes…doing the same crap things over and over again (like the alcoholic says they do 😉 and getting myself into the same icky-feeling messes…
And the motivation for these things, when I am feeling loss: think concentratedly about what good comes from me stopping feeding my addiction – stopping putting my thought and action into fixing, solving, compensating for other people’s upsets and problems.
I can’t right now, but every once in a while a reason pops into my head for which I do not call my alcoholic ex. I do not go there. I do not text.
– I have to live 2 separate lives when he is in my life…one with my work and friends and health, and one with him
– I am embarrassed to have him in my life
– I have to be careful what I do and how I act and how much of my feelings or opinions I express…
– I have to worry that I will be criticized, verbally harassed for taking care of myself financially because it looks like I am not taking care of him…being a ‘good’ partner
– I lie to my friends and family about spending time with him
– I spend time on our relationship that he does not.
– I spend time on our relationship that I should be spending on my career…
– I feel alone when I am taking care of what I need to take care of because he doesn’t care…
– I forget myself; I forget to eat, I forget to put food back in the fridge, I forget to put groceries in the freezer
– I give him my car to use even though he does not have a license
– I go to his place even though he does not come to mine
– I put my time and money into his kids but he does not treat me like I am his family…in fact he has told me I am not, and changes his tune when he needs something from me…
– when I am away from him I am lost, disoriented…
– when he tells me I am a bad person I believe him
– when he acts selfish and dishonest I think it says something about me…
I’ve been feeling powerless (and hating it) and helpless to the Nth degree this last week..especially.
And I am so overwhelmed that I don’t even feel like I know what I am powerless over,or what I am helpless to do…I know that I am drawn to those who can not seem to help themselves, so I was thinking that my addiction is to other people’s issues… My addiction is to helping, solving, resolving, providing relief… I am addicted to that.
And I may be powerless over alcohol and over others actions… But I think what I learned that I had some control over when I was younger was over making people happy (or sad, or angry). When I am trying to ‘help’ my alcoholic qualifier, I may be trying to help him stop drinking, but I am first and foremost trying to help him to be happy. I think what I do or say will give him the overall happiness he has been looking for all his life. Just like my mother taught me I could do for her…
I can not, however… I am addicted to trying to make people happy, or not sad, or not angry. And it destroys me when I do that.
When I go to Alanon, I listen to people talk about stopping doing that. How they stop. How it makes them feel…
When I go to AA meetings, I learn that people who drink can make themselves happy.
I can choose to make myself happy, instead of choosing my addiction, just like any other addict…
“It sounds like you need acknowledgment for…and you are not going to get it there.”
The first part of that comment gets a visceral reaction from me, as I listen to her say the words… I am talking about the chaos in my mind and between me and my ex- and she has said this at two very prominent times. When I hear it and want to ask, “AND…..!?!?!” as though there is something further for me to know… “It sounds like you need acknowledgment…” feels like an incomplete sentence to me. Maybe as though the acknowledgment should be right there at the end of the comment… I wanted to say, “Yeah, SO?!?!?!” I sit there with baited breath, waiting
Yeah, if I don’t get it from him where do I get it (I am obliterated by the feeling I get from hearing myself ask this question… But I really am asking it… I don’t want to but I am. Really, it is his and my situation. And he is the one I was investing in. He is the one I was giving everything to. And for some reason I hold out waiting for him to acknowledge, recognize and reciprocate. He is like a mirage though. He knows how to keep me there waiting for it. He knows how to string me along, like he has a treat at the end of a string and I am chasing it along providing fun, play and cuddles like a foolish little kitten.
Not understanding how my own mind works, what acrobatics my own emotions are doing. What mystery is there?!?! Am I really confused by my ex’s preposterous behavior? Or by my own preposterous reactions to or interactions with it…?!?!
Acknowledgment… It is supposed to come from me, right? That’s the answer, right?! [she asks sarcastically…screams, growls, and screeches angrily inside…]
Yeah, f-you (whoever I’m talking to I don’t know…). Cruel f-ing lesson. Why do I have to learn this lesson this way….???
I am definitely insane. Back to step 1 again today.
I should really remind myself to go back to step 1 every day…
Did you hug anyone today? If not, go find someone and hug them. Why you say? Well, who doesn’t love a good hug? And rumours has it hugging is good for you, not just because it feels good to get a hug.
It transfers energy and gives the person hugged an emotional lift. You need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance, and twelve for growth. Scientists say that hugging is a form of communication because it can say things you don’t have the words for. And the nicest thing about a hug is that you usually can’t give one without getting one.
So it seems even science agrees hugging is a good thing to do. I wonder how that research was carried out. Did they have people wired up and told them to hug to see what happened? I hope so. Would’ve loved to be a part of that research project.
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I have talked before about the fact that I feel I get a lot out of AA meetings. This has been a tough couple of days for me and today I was desperate for a meeting. There are some days that it is specifically an AA meeting I feel I need (although I am not an alcoholic). Today’s AA meeting I found just down the street from my house(!yay). It was a room, 2 actually, and it was a step 1 discussion this evening. People’s shares really travelled deep down into me. But tonight it all said something more than it had before. Rather than so much being only reminiscent of or in hope for my ex, it was a gift for me from my higher power. It was much clearer. It was clear that I dont have to be sad that Greg does not choose to get better, as much as I can be elated that so many people do. And rather than making G’s POSSIBLE recovery be the center of my happiness (which is a crash and burn situation) I can participate in my recovery and with others recovery who want it. That makes me happy. Something besides only going for g makes me happy. Finding strength in others who are finding strength brings me to my higher power, to theirs, to each other, together and safe and supportive. People DO love. And they can learn to love themselves and love others in gentle kind honest, humane ways…
The other thing that became clearer to me as I listened to people’s stories about theirown struggles with alcohol was that in order to get to where god takes away your obsession, it is necessary to face one’s weakness(es).
I do not, in other words, have to ask myself to do things that I cannot handle. And if there is no other option I find help or support ASAP. Not only does one have to accept one’s powerlessness, but also what one is powerless over.
Thank you for an absolutely emotionally therapeutic meeting.
Thank HP. I am slow but you spoke clearly tonight.