Monthly Archives: May 2016
I don’t know if the world needs angry women. But I DO know that the world needs to accept anger. Not accept anger with violence. Just accept anger. I have had such an impossible time accepting my anger…Doing everything around it, despite it, but it…thinking that if I fix everything else that is will go away. But it’s still here. Nice and strong. I have no choice but to be in it. I have no choice but to face exactly what is and has been triggering and causing it for decades. No matter how much my inner reaction wants to tell me how wrong I am for feeling angry about those things. I have no choice but to be honest about what makes me angry. I have no choice but to make decisions to change things so that I do not encounter things that make me angry… I have no choice but to face the lies I tell myself about things that make me angry. Double strategy: look at the misunderstandings I have, AND look at the true experiences I have… The truths about me.
That all involves allowing myself my anger – being angry, and unmasking it…
I have some decisions to make. And all I need is attention to how I feel about making those decisions, and deciding whether I should or want to feel different about making those decisions in order to get on with it.
Thankfully a new space has opened up inside me. I have one old tired, wounded space inside that burns with hurt. And another new, spreading space that is serene, concerned, but looking on waiting to make the moves when it is the right moment.
If you have read through my blog at all, you may have come across entries about the fact that I have a really difficult time in the mornings. If I am tired or worried at all, I wake up with a dread or fear of something that I can’t even put my finger on.
I have been working on that a lot lately…Just trying to pay attention to that sensation (a la Presence Process, a la Tara Brach’s r.a.i.n, etc)… My gosh it is so excruciating to pay undivided attention to feeling sensations in the body.
But this morning I had a(nother) breakthrough!
I know that I am kind of trying to defy life by making it wait in the morning. I don’t want to get out of bed because ‘something’ hasn’t happened. ‘Someone’ hasnt shown up. I can’t be assured of ‘something’. I began to realize this waiting tendency…and have thought to myself, is it because G (my ex) has not changed his ways, has not ‘realized’ something and decided to the make the change for himself and for us?
And then this morning…I noticed an inaccuracy in that. I am not simply waiting for him to look at himself and make the change. I am waiting for him to finally tell me and act like I am everything to him that I said. And THEN I realized (!!!) that THAT is what I have been waiting to receive from my mother… I have been piecing this together…For her to make a decision – a decision that she did not whole-heartedly make when she decided not to give me away for adoption as a baby – the decision that I, exactly as I am, when I arrived, in all of my humanly needy glory, am someone she wants to commit to caring about.
I have been waiting for someone to truly CARE about me!!
I have been waiting my whole life…to escape my mother’s expectations of me being ‘everything she bargained for’ when she decided to keep me instead of give me away when I was born. It was like she made a contract with the powers that be…”if this little girl does ______ for me, makes me look good, reflects well on me, it will all have been worth it.”
I have been waiting my whole life for someone to accept me as whatever I am going to be, however I am going to act, whatever I may ask for… And the reason why I have such incredibly difficult times in the morning is that I have reached the end of my rope. I have worked my self into the ground trying to fit my round self into the endless number of different un-round holes that people decide I should fit in to prove I love them, or to prove that they love me like they profess to.
Impossible…IMMMMPOOOOSSIBLE. I am done.
My devastation is ok. Because who would not feel devastated at this?
Hard work is ok – it has not been foolish – because I did not know that I was working for nothing.
My naivete is ok…even endearing. Because I trusted. I am trusting. I look for reasons that someone deserves understanding and compassion, patience.
My disorientation and exacerbation is ok, because I am now going to arrive in a land where I have never lived before. I have never lived in a land where I am unconditionally me. Where I create and decide the holes I fit into, if any at all. Where I decide whether someone else’s expectations of me are acceptable to me, are ok for me to be around. I already know if I love someone, if I am loveable, if a person is someone that I could be in a relaxed and loving relationship with, if I respect them, if I am scared, if I am off-put, if I feel insecure. And deep down inside I know what to do when I feel those things. There are always small signs at the beginning.
I have my own roadmap.
In the mornings there is nothing left to wait for. All there is is to carry out plans I have made, or make plans in order to have things to do that are fun, adventurous, productive, prosperous, etc.
I make me, from the inside out. Love it or leave it.
Gratitude for all of the places and times and people with whom I can do that.