Category Archives: Coaching
I’ve been in a holding pattern for months now. A holding pattern as I am exploring how to make changes to my life, how to live differently. How to change the habits both conscious and unconscious that have been holding on for decades… And I am tired.
Literally, I am tired. Because I haven’t been able to sleep restfully in any consistent way for years. For so long I have been experiencing ups and downs with this. When I began to stay away from my alcoholic ex there was relief. I could enjoy the peace and quiet for a while and sleep with some calm. But then my body and mind got restless…afraid of my tendency to invite that chaos back, afraid of my naivete, of my weakness when it comes to thinking that I am any kind of solution for HIM feeling better or doing better. The guilt is just debilitating. And my body didn’t trust that some other chaos wasn’t impending.
Spending lots of time on my own has been excruciating in some ways. But I have had the feeling for a while now that the personal solitary time is important. Important because I escape change, whether I notice myself doing it or not, by looking elsewhere for rationales and explanations for how to do things differently. I think there are answers elsewhere, from other people, but others perspectives of thinking about life and love and…everything.
That is true to a degree. I think I’ve needed to get out of my own head for a long while now. And listening to explanations about how to live differently or ways to think about relationships or other life experiences differently have been invaluable. But they are just practice. They are supposed to bring me closer to being able to explain MY own perspective on MY life, how I feel about it, and how I want to feel in the future. And THEN what I need to DO to support myself in feeling that way.
This afternoon the question is: How do I want to feel in the morning?
Usually I feel like everything is futile. When I wake up I often feel already defeated, before I barely move a muscle. And it has escaped me for the longest time, what I am supposed to do with this feeling… Yes, I need to listen to myself. Yes, I need to know that I want to feel differently… But what comes after that?
Whispers have reached me lately. About different things, but especially this morning (well, and also the going to bed feelings at night).
I need to ask myself and talk about, describe, declare, how I want to feel when I wake up in the morning. Without being afraid to declare that. Without talking down to myself or saying or thinking I am ridiculous…. hehe. I need to really sit with myself and imagine feeling this new way, imagine the moments, the minutes of waking up in the morning and what kind of expression is on my face, what kinds of feelings I have in my body, what kinds of thoughts I have and things I look forward to and habits I have in the morning that are great for me.
Then the reality is almost complete.
And then I can do the same with the night time.
See my next post for my description of how I want to feel in the morning…
I had the feeling last week, that I wanted to do the consulting work I was assigned to. I realized that at moments I was having fun doing the research. Perhaps, I thought, the anxiety is coming from getting to a place where I like it, where I am good at it, and I feel good at it. Perhaps I am worried about being happy because someone else who isn’t always wants a piece. It was bad, around Jessie, to enjoy things. To be just plain happy. I couldn’t have fun, silly reckless abandon fun, integrate joyfully into the world, because she felt she couldn’t. And she had me and kept me and it would be so terribly unfair if I was giddy…before she was.
I don’t know if the world needs angry women. But I DO know that the world needs to accept anger. Not accept anger with violence. Just accept anger. I have had such an impossible time accepting my anger…Doing everything around it, despite it, but it…thinking that if I fix everything else that is will go away. But it’s still here. Nice and strong. I have no choice but to be in it. I have no choice but to face exactly what is and has been triggering and causing it for decades. No matter how much my inner reaction wants to tell me how wrong I am for feeling angry about those things. I have no choice but to be honest about what makes me angry. I have no choice but to make decisions to change things so that I do not encounter things that make me angry… I have no choice but to face the lies I tell myself about things that make me angry. Double strategy: look at the misunderstandings I have, AND look at the true experiences I have… The truths about me.
That all involves allowing myself my anger – being angry, and unmasking it…
My Time Persona
- I am a Time Fugitive – I try to hide from time
- I need to take ownership of my time and of what I need to do during my time…
I feel the pressure, in my head, in my heart area.
In Time I feel
- like I am a burden
- worry about AND put pressure on myself to outshine another
– it is spiritual energy…in motion.
What kind of energy is money to me?
– something that is scary and awarded to people who are innately deserving.
and I am not one of those people, for some reason…
“I am the Sun of God”
I have to express what I am really experiencing right now…I have built back up what feels like a scary minefield of a day-to-day life again and I don’t know how I can stop making it feel bigger and scarier and more hopeless! I know that all of the fear and panic I am feeling is not ‘true’ per se… But help…I don’t know how to feel different at this moment 😦
I feel guilty and stupid and irresponsible and even like I am maliciously betraying or something…like I am being dishonest…And I know I shouldn’t believe all of those feelings, but I can’t pinpoint their cause.
These things are issues that are magnifying or exacerbating, or causing these feelings…I think.
I am so far behind where I wanted to be in preparing a syllabus for a course I am teaching in May-June. I know it’s my Outer child having a complete melt-down and rebelling, but I am feeling like I absolutely hate making up this course. Before I was praying for it, because I am so broke I may be heading towards bankruptcy… But in the moments where I am not feeling excited or creative about it it feels like something that someone is forcing me to do. It feels like it is so painful. It is this major two-minded experience that is driving me crazy, exhausting me, scaring me, taking me away from mindful peace and objectivity, and concentration.
And in the past few days I had to tell my landlord that my downstairs neighbor is smoking in their flat (we have a no-smoking clause on our rental agreement). And I am absolutely TERRIFIED of confrontation. I feel powerless, unsafe, indefensible…even though saying something was the totally right thing to to. I wrote a kind and tactful message to the neighbor telling them that cigarette smoke makes me ill, and that our rental agreement says “not smoking in apartment, on patio or elsewhere in or near the house.” and his response was…”I’m sorry…we won’t smoke in the house. But as for the patio, I don’t know what to tell you, we are smokers…” etc., etc. That sentence made me panic…feel unsafe, like I can’t save myself from something no matter what I do. I did not get into any back and forth with them, I simply called the landlord as soon as I read that message. And she was shocked about the smoking, clearly 100% concerned and supportive, and adamant that she had no problem having the difficult conversation with them. And that it was by no means acceptable, period for them to be smoking in or around the house. I sent her the communications I had with the neighbor. And I have been waiting for 3-4 days now for her to call me and tell me how things went, and it was only last night that she texted and said she spoke to them and that she had to figure a few things out and then call me this evening to discuss. My fear of being in or around this situation is so absolutely overwhelming that all I read in her message what that it was unresolved and that there was something “we”, the landlord and I, had to discuss… I wonder what on earth she and I have to ‘discuss’… I hate being around this shit. What is wrong with people… Smoking and being a twit affects other people, ya know! And it is not those other people’s fault for being affected. It’s your fault for doing things that are only good for an addiction, not good for you or for you and anybody else.
And finally, I feel like I am totally neglecting my self on a more personal level. I feel so lonely 3 weeks after having finished an intensive yoga teacher training… I feel a gulf between me and other people. I have given my ex the time of day, as a result. And after spending time with him 2 or 3 times he asked me yesterday if he could use my car for work today…
I almost felt sick. Well, I did feel sick.
Same shit, different year.
And the guilt flows. When I said no (I swiftly thought up and excuse/lie) I could feel his voice change. Like I was ‘taking something away’ from him. I felt so absolutely livid. And I think what I did was, rather than become decisive about the fact that I want space back between he and I, I spent lots and lots of time blaming myself for actually giving him the time of day again.
Just call me the Self-Punisher.
Give me a scenario and I’ll punish myself for it…
Making Lies True…is excruciatingly painful.
True: I feel unsafe when I know I can not stop someone from doing or saying things that I know will harm me somehow.
Lie: I can not protect myself from people.
Question: In these moments of fear and panic and self-punishment, what will empower me…?? Help.
What affects you?
Is there one thing? Or more than one thing that you feel is really affecting you in an intense, distracting, disruptive, uncomfortably emotional way? And has been for a while?
Are you dying for this to stop?
Ok. Let’s make this easier.
Whatever it is that is affecting you…let’s clarify it.
When you vent or share or complain about things that bother you, irritate you, piss you off, scare you, or cause you some form of pain, have you narrowed it down to the bottom line truth? The central issue(s)?
Do that. That inivolces shifting your focus about this irritating or painful thing from ‘what does someone else need to do about this?” to “I am feeling _______ about this, so I need a change.”
And then ask yourself what your feelings tell you ‘should’ happen next.
Should some one hear you?
Should they ‘understand’.
Should someone respond with words that back you up emotionally, so that you feel more justified in feeling bad?
Has that worked?
Guess what? You are not happy or comfortable in a situation, so describe it and clarify it, and then…
It is not wrong or stupid or unimportant, what you are feeling, and what you are saying.
And, it is not necessarily possible to make a circumstance or especially a past event different than it is. So, what choice is left?
If you’re driving along and a tractor trailer coming the other direction pulls head on into your lane, what do you do?
There is a combination of skill, awareness and common sense at play. And bottom line self concern. The first thing you worry about is not how to make the truck change its path, but to process things in milliseconds and change yours.
It’s the same with relationships.
An interpersonal situation may seem like it needs much longer periods of contemplation than the scenario above. But it doesn’t. No words necessary, no conversation, just a quick, wise move that will remove yourself from harm’s or hurt’s way.
What gives me the highest value and satisfaction in my work?
I wrote this question down weeks ago with the understanding that the answer would come to me. I didn’t want to force it. Or answer the question intellectually.
And this morning when the question popped up as a ‘reminder’ from my calendar, I began to feel the answer.
Something that gives me the highest value and satisfaction in my work as a yoga teacher, and now as a personal yoga teacher giving personalized hot stone, yoga, and thai massage sessions, is the connection with people, the feeling I have about what they need and my ability to do something about that using a combination of my own personal experience with physical injury and pain, physical discomfort, injury, tension, wear and tear, neglect, and my years and years of knowledge about my body, and about others’ experience with unnecessary dependency on drugs or 15-minute treatments rather than exercise and self-care (stretching, and other simple exercises).
I think I feel so satisfied giving people the simple self-care answers and guidance. And all it takes is for them to get used to the fact that there are simple self-care answers, and that when they are out of answers all they have to do is ask me, or research a little.
We are such a ‘bandaid’ society, that I can have a real niche here…
It is this personal understanding that makes me feel great though, that makes this a possibility.
So, while I am trying to sort myself out this morning and figure out how to prioritize the things I want to do today and for the next few days, these thoughts rambled out of me:
“If I were to have an amazing job, an amazing home, an amazing sense of security, money and positive stuff flowing freely in my direction…I would be so ashamed. Ashamed that it was not somebody else. Ashamed because my mother reminded me how difficult it was to have kids, how much she missed out on, how much of a trap… a dead weight I was. Why should I be the one to get all of the good stuff? I would feel like I stole her life to make myself rich, happy, successful… My propensity (not voluntary) is to think of all of the reasons why I would have become successful. And the major ones are the pain I caused my parents. I was unexpected, extra baggage, time-consuming, silly, useless, not even representative of them. All I might accomplish gets sucked up, or should be sucked up by that void that I did not fill for them.”
These are the thoughts that make trying hard for myself feel futile.
What are the turnarounds…?!?
Well, I am asking for my habit of being dishonest about what I understand, what I know, what I discover, what I am capable of to be removed.
This tendency is woven together with this fear of shame, or of shaming others as I better myself and heal my life.
When I ask for a shortcoming to be removed I also say a positive affirmation type thing in order to give myself something to do differently:
“I am open about my growth. I am open about my feelings. I am proud of my talents, tenaciousness, adventurousness and I feel forgiveness for having lied to myself about those wonderful things about me having negative effects on other people. My goodness does not imperil others. My goodness shines bright light.”
I have been doing a lot of work on establishing an emotional and mental foundation for my own business (i.e. Yoga Class and Life(Style) coaching.
A huge issue I have , which so many people have, is the fear of getting rich. Honestly, we don’t think we have the issue, but then when people start trying to help me out or opportunities appear for me to gain a following or expand my efforts or receive more resources my mind instantly thinks of an excuse to not ‘receive.’ In the name of humility or of not wanting to appear ‘entitled’ or self-indulgent my mind thinks up everything it can say in response that is meant to make that opportunity work harder to make its way into my life!! It’s like I ask abundance to prove its interest in me, to prove to me that I am worthy of it!! How is that happening?!
So, I have been doing so much processing about this and yesterday or the day before it came a little clearer to me. I do not, out of some stubborn sense of righteousness(?!) want to be a part of a financial process that is unfair…
All financial processes are unfair if we are not completely honest with ourselves about how we are handling our money, but more importantly what we need and what we have to offer that are worth sincere value.
The phenomena that I resent in ‘money life’ is the way that, consumption in particular, really is part of an unhealthy addictive pattern among people. People of all socioeconomic positions.
Without real, in the moment consideration for my basic needs, for example, I can decide to buy something…and then continue to pay money that I don’t have, or money that would better be spent elsewhere, on that ‘thing,’ just because it fits into a pattern of spending or of indulgence that helps me to create something of myself that is consistent with a trend or even just a habit.
As the proprietor of a business, no matter how big or small, I am very scared to ask people to spend their money on or invest themselves in something that will not help them to feel more genuinely, healthily, and consciously themselves.
I also am not interested in selling something to people for the sake of getting them to become dependent on ME forever. I want to sell a service or thing that helps individuals to rely more deeply and sincerely on themselves, and to rely more deeply and genuinely on their connect with the world around them for their healthy human needs.
I realize that I can not define others needs for them (even though that is EXACTLY what business does…). But I can suggest, given my own experience, a need that can be fulfilled, and how fulfilling that need could make people more self-reliant, more able to feel, see, know, experience what will be genuinely fulfilling for them.
I do not want to exploit people for their addictions to consuming. I would like to supply people with tools, experiences, products that bring people more in touch with how to fulfill their genuine and entirely human, everyday and lifetime needs.