Monthly Archives: February 2014
From feeling like crap for things that are not my fault, are not my responsibility, that I cannot change.
I can be much happier…
Obsessive thinking is a difficult thing to admit to, let alone a difficult habit to break. I feel like so much less of a person. Less of a good loving person because of what obsessive thinking does to me…
Obsessing about something or someone and their behaviors drives me to do and say things out of fear and rage, and more fear, and it feels like a kind of delirium. It’s like I need so badly to get out feelings that are so tightly packed down…they are bursting with a 1000lbs of pressure. And although no one person can withstand that kind of pressure I am at these moments ashamed of having no control over my thoughts and words and actions. And ashamed of the thoughts themselves…
I do not do anything physically aggressive, but the thoughts and words feel aggressive. They feel like punches. So I feel ashamed of the lack of control, ashamed of the anger…afraid of how ugly that is, ashamed of hurting someone’s feelings, even if they have hurt me much worse than I have hurt them.
I hate to face my own thoughts because of this shame. I don’t like to face that I think these things, even if I know it is not what I want to think. Even if I know that how I got here is not all my fault..,
But I have been learning that if I don’t face them, I won’t be able to look under them, or beyond them, or see through them. And I have learned that I think it works, to just look those scary unspeakable things in the face.
My obsessing in the past 12 hours has been like this…
– g needs to know that he hurt me
– g needs to show me he cares
– g needs to know how completely uncaring he acts
– g is trying to take without giving
– g is the reason for all of our frustration.
– g gets away with manipulating everyone
– g gets away with everything and I let him, and I don’t want to let him
– g lies and he needs to know that I know that
– g needs to know how angry I am that he puts his time and energy into drinking buddies and strangers, not the people who love and need him.
To work through such understandable but wasteful thoughts and energies, I have to face the criticisms I am making. I am making declarations about how ‘bad’ he is being, expressing such disapproval and resentment, and it doesn’t get me anywhere. Only more angry, especially at myself, ruining my moments, hours and days.
I am saying he is selfish and manipulative and that my woes are his fault.
But what I am fearing (or believing) as I dwell on how uncaring he is, is:
– I am not worth caring about.
– if I don’t work to fix things or him, I will not be loved.
– I do not fix things well.
– I deserve to be neglected
– I am a pushover
– I can not be happy without someone treating me like I am important
– I am laughable – I m not a good partner, my opinions and feelings are not worthy or valuable
– people treat me like crap because of something I did.
– it is my fault that someone neglects to show me love and respect.
– my anger is a good reason for someone not to love me
– in have to work for love
– I have to work to get love from difficult people
– I am a difficult person.
My fears are things that have nothing I do with g.
When I can articulate those fears I cam reflect on why they are what they are, where they came from, but also whether they are true and how I want to feel differently.
I am not neglected because I am not worthy. I am neglected by others because I allow it.
– I am not hurt and angry because I am a bad person. I am hurt and angry because I a human being and others actions have hurt me. I am angry because I did not remove myself from that or defend myself. And my anger is understandable. I need care and comfort and I am worthy of it. And I need it from me most importantly. Not him.
– it is not my fault when people lie to me, manipulate me, cheat on me. I didn’t do something to deserve it. I just didn’t show that I am worth more.
– people treating me like shit does not mean that I am shit. And I do not have to convince anyone of that.
– I don’t have to convince someone to be kind to me.
– I don’t have to show someone HOW to be nice to me or treat me or love me. I don’t have to do the work for them. If they can’t love me, of they are unable to show respect and consideration and love for me then that is it. It’s not MY fault that they can’t.
– my relationships do not fail all because of not making them work.
This is absolutely excruciating stuff to practice…
That which we are in need of appears.
Thank you, Sarah.
Today, I am sharing something that I have learnt.
It is possible to use affirmations to increase your positivity.
Now, in hindsight, I can see that this lesson was rather obvious, but…
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I went to a meeting tonight.
I’m not clear on what I want lately, or even how I feel…yet. But I know I should not be alone for long periods of time. I am super relieved and kind of happy that this open AA meeting is just down the street from me on Sunday evenings. I go, not every week, but regularly. It’s a nice meeting. Lots of people have been members of the group for a long time. And there is a sense of community and close camaraderie that is visible amongst people there. I go to these meetings because…I think because they help me to access something inside me that I keep locked up most other times. My vulnerability… Listening to people’s stories and sitting with a bunch of people that have put their lives, to a large degree, in other people’s hands is a different but welcome reality for me.
Although I began to go to AA meetings because my ex is an alcoholic, and I hoped that it would somehow get us closer to him facing his ‘demons’. But I found myself continuing to go for me…It was to humble me, and to find some empathy and understanding for him… But now, more and more, I know it is a place where I can learn what it means to face my own demons.
I usually like to ignore myself a lot. Ignore and rationalize my fears and resentments. Mask them, hide them, hide from them. Tonight I tried to do that less. I think I am just letting myself do that a little less. I try to pay attention to my feelings and my feelings are mixed but are things like:
– embarrassed to go to meetings: I don’t want people to really talk to me, because I don’t want to be honest with myself about how hurt I am, how mean I am, how angry I am, how much help I need.
– I judge people: “wow, she looks a little worse for wear” “wow, I wonder if his jeans smell, because they look like they do” “wow, I hope I don’t feel like they look like They feel!” “I am stronger than them” “they sound depressing” “they look depressing” “if I stick around here I will actually get more unhappy than I already am” “They are weak to have to depend on others like that…”
And when I am judging, what I am feeling deep down is fear that: – I look like a used, damaged, worse-for-wear old woman; I look so unhappy that no one probably wants to be around me. When people look at me they probably hope I don’t go and talk to them. I feel like I am really screwed up, confused, direction-less. I am probably looking stale and disheveled or tired and pissed off, hunched over and ashamed. I look really unhappy. I will contaminate others will my loser-ness. My bitterness will spread and ruin other people’s day. I probably look needy. Some people can probably see right through me and are chuckling to themselves watching me pretend that I am ok when I am not…
– I go to meetings because I know I need help. I know I can not deal with my issues alone, but I never ask for help when I am there. I think people will look at me like “poor her” or “wow, you’ve really got it bad” or maybe even “look at her, she doesn’t have a problem! what’s she doing here. – Hey! go somewhere else and feel sorry for yourself!” I feel like I might be the biggest fraud. A fraud because I go and then I don’t actually participate. Or because I go and am afraid that someone would think I am just being a weak, pitiful, helpless twit who just wants someone else to feel sorry for her and can actually take care of herself.
How do I start to engage, in a way that I am comfortable with… I need help. It’s almost like that alone is so big that actually getting help feels like a whole new distant step… (And it is, I think – in the 12 steps, we admit first, then we imagine getting help, then we ‘put it out there’ that we need help and depend on the kindness of our hp and others.
So instead of feeling down, maybe I can feel better…knowing that my embarrassment is understandable, knowing that my judgments of others are entirely rooted in my judging me, that I am actually judging me, which means that I am probably not a crap person for all of the things I am afraid I am, and like any human being, I need help. And like any human being, I feel a little ‘off’ for feeling that need for help.
Shantelle is human.
What a concept…
It was a beautiful sunny day today.
Went for a walk in the park – took my friend’s dog. Then worked on a chapter for a while. Started to have a stomach pain from anxiety until…
An ever-so-generous friend made dinner for the two of us this evening. And then she read my Tarot cards. The entire reading was an amazing representation of my life at the moment.
– tumultuous emotions ruling my days and action, and inaction
– I am sporadically and defensively swinging my figurative sword around in reaction to things I am only afraid might be coming at me, not what actually is
– I am dealing with a past in which I began anew over and over without being clear on what I wanted for my life in the short term or the long
– At present I have established and protected my material life (i.e. home, job, food, car, clothing, school…) and now am on the cusp of beginning to establish my spiritual life.
– I must take courage and love and venture inside my spiritual self, go inside myself and listen and care and pray and enjoy.
– I have gained knowledge and seem to continue on that road. I now can rely on my imagination, my hopes and dreams; give more time and space to my spirit – grow it and allow it to be an abundant part of me
– I am bound for abundance; but my road to abundance will require my patience and tenderness – attention to when I need guidance, when I need a kick in the butt, when I need to let things happen, when I need a tender companion. Me.
I am actually the one I can trust to hear me. To respond. To protect myself. To act.
Would I be less reactive or obsessive I I received the kind of thoughtfulness that I ask for
What does my heart really long for?
What matters most in this life?
If I was at the end of this life looking back, what would be most important about how I lived today?
People I can trust
Someone who values my trust
People who have a strong desire to be around me, even just doing things that make ME happy
People who show, in what they do, an appreciation and love for me and my gestures and efforts
Someone who sees no other but me in their intimate life
Someone who is interested in making me happy as part of their life’s purpose
Someone who will happily go to sincere and great personally fulfilling lengths to not see me hurt by them
When I am obsessing about G, wanting him to stop hurting me, wanting to stop trying to stop him from hurting me, I am trying to escape the fear. Thinking is a way of trying to control being hurt. When I feel helpless to DO anything about it, I obsessively THINK about it.
Listen to the energies behind my obsessive thinking. Respond to what needs attention.
(See “True Refuge” chapter 7)
I am trying not to be hurt, I am scared of being hurt. I feel like I will not be able to avoid boring hurt. I feel helpless to avoid being hurt so badly.
I am trying to not be put in a position of giving of myself and receiving too little or no caring in return. I am scared of being used and depleted. I am scared of being deceived.
My fear of being hurt over and over again needs attention. How do I respond?
1) Recognize exactly what I am obsessively thinking about
2) Allow the feelings
3) Investigate the location, sensation, characteristics if the feelings.
4) Non-identification: remember those feelings are not all of who I am.
And then maybe I will be anole to decide on what exactly I should do. And execute.
Keep my distance.
Keep myself out of situations where I am actually giving of myself to G (or others).
Keep myself away from situations where I experience apathy from him (or others).