Monthly Archives: May 2013
I am back to Gloom. I was facing forward but walking backwards. Still in denial, even though, I realized, I was able to get up in the morning, I was looking forward to my day, my forarms had stopped falling asleep because I had been taking such good care of them. I could sit at the office and work for hours and not hate it and not think about how far I had to go. I was thinking about how far I was coming every day. But yesterday work felt icky again. Yesterday I didn’t give myself anything to look forward to except the unrealistic expectation that my alcoholic would put us first. That is where I have gone wrong. That expectation is driven by this feeling that I am obligated to believe the liar, the person who lies to themselves, but says they love me. I am driven by the baseless obligation to be loyal to someone based on THEIR CLAIMS – and nothing else – that they are ok, that they care about me, that they are doing things ‘right’. I hear this mistake, I feel this mistake…and I feel the trigger feeling, I feel that hook in me that has no rationale and that I am subdued by anyway. What is it that I don’t have in me that would allow me to be unhook-able, impenetrable… The hook feels like if its not stuck in my side, piercing through my flesh, that I will hurt that other person that much. If i’m not hooked, if i dont fall for it, i think that freedom, my relief, and my happiness means that person’s excruciating pain. That is what keeps me here. How cruel a life I have learned. If I save myself I will kill the other person inside…
What are the magic words that will break this spell I’m under? What is the one action or idea or proof I need… Miracles were the Topic of the meeting I went to last night. Miracles are not BIG, loud, events that are on the news. Miracles are small things that make a big difference. I need a miracle today. I need a difference, a change, a new perspective on love. On loving others and on loving myself.
Recovery can be deceivingly difficult…for us denial-ridden creatures.
I’ve been overwhelmed with all of the things I have on my plate lately, still thinking I am in control of the things that happen around me, and in control of my own behavior… I feel like a bit of a git, often.
But even in the everlasting mess, I have been able to begin to make decisions that free others from my control, and free myself from suffering others crap when I don’t have to, regardless of how counterintuitive both I those things are. I gave my ex the message that he can drink but he cannot bring his drunkeness into my day, my evening, my sleep time… That has been excrutiatingly difficult. Especially because it takes so many tries, over and over. Because alcoholics don’t hear those things, and don’t see or feel the effects they have on people. But I keep repeating…
I experience this feeling, or set of feelings, almost constantly. The worst is when I know that I am doing things that make me uncomfortable, or unhappy, or that force me to struggle, or that make me uneasy or that keep me in childhood fear…but I bat at those feelings with flappy hands like a panicky ‘girl who doesn’t know how to punch’ just avoiding instead of facing them and/or nipping them in the bud…
This morning, as has happened on occasion before, I perceived a whispering of words in my head. For the longest time (forever maybe) my feelings have not transformed into thoughts or words that I could make sense of or didn’t have to be scared of. My self has not wanted to communicate with me because I didn’t respond the first hundred times (wasn’t allowed or couldn’t manage it when I was a kid). So now My self has to learn to trust me enough to utter the words behind the feelings. To tell me what the feelings are telling me. Meanwhile I am just burdened by scary feelings and have no response… Today I will try to write down the whispers I heard this morning.
Please help me to get through today with the understanding that my Higher Power is my ‘God’. Nothing that any other person thinks, wants, feels or does should determine the depth of how I feel or what I think or what I do. If I am to accomplish what I want to accomplish today (clear communication of my goals and needs), by best guide is my higher power. I would say my best guide is myself, but my self is freaking out too much to even think about what to do next. My Higher Power has to be my guide because I am blinded by anxiety and disappointment and emotional struggle. HP, please help me to DO, and not act on my fears today.
Thank you in advance,