Monthly Archives: June 2013
This morning I was so anxious about work today. I have been trying to complete some semblance of a chapter for a few weeks now and reached the wall at the 75% point as usual. Been struggling there for days and days and days.
And the Ex-Bad-Habit has really thrown me for a loop this week again, like I regressed a few months.
So I tried this morning, saying and believing…that I would get up and work, and hand the worry and pain over to my Higher power in the meanwhile.
It felt nice to remind myself that I was not alone. It felt empty to work without to desperate anxiety I was feeling…relaxation didn’t come, I just worked like a bit of a robot. But in handing over that which would most hold me back I did the best I could with the chapter until the time that I said I would go meet my supervisor and some fellow students to discuss our graduate work. I took the chapter with me, with a little email/note/disclaimer on the front, and passed it to her. Then I spoke about my project with the girls there and had a casual convo with them about theirs and other things. Now I have left and though I don’t feel a big sense of relief or happiness I am reminding myself to inventory today as a good one because I handed over a chapter (in addition to my fears) and socialized in a context where I could get collegial help and give it. And now I am left with time to enjoy myself (if that’s what you call it because I don’t have energy to do anything else) and do some self care that I’ve been needing to do, including a meeting! Yay!
Today, Shantelle, you didn’t do what you are used to doing but you did what was the right thing to do for you, pretty much. You trod the less trodden path…phew.
Hug to me.
Today I ask my Higher Power to
– worry about my dissertation, while I write it
– to watch over me while I suffer through the difficult days that are upon me now
– to worry about other people while I find patience for myself
– to watch over me while I try and concentrate on work today
– to watch over me while I try and put myself into my writing today
I sat with my therapist today and wanted to somehow just be a feeling, experiencing, human person, instead of putting so much pressure on myself to, like, ‘earn’ the therapy I am getting. I wanted to go and not ‘perform’ or ‘be a good patient’, or come out of there with a ‘token’ realization or ‘lesson’ I’d learned. I wanted to treat the session as my session, I wanted to be the lost, sad, in-denial, vulnerable, mistake making 40-year old that I am. That was difficult. And emotional. But I came out a little less heavy that I had every before. I cried in there, and I tried to own the despair that I have. So that I could see who I really am. So that I could begin to grow a new woman…
What happened was that I could say more, more of what I was afraid of saying, the things that I was thinking but was afraid to express… I could listen better… I could hear my therapist saying what she understood about what I was saying. And the most striking thing that appeared clearer to me was the deal I have been striking with myself forever. The pattern I have learned to live in that I have watched but that I have not been able to ‘touch’ or budge or shift or see outside of…
I function according to a contract…that is in my head. I learned to live according to a contract wherein my existence, my expressions, my likes and dislikes, my feelings…all cost. I understand that I owe for every consideration I receive. Even every consideration that someone claims I receive regardless if I experienced the receipt or not. And I my therapist said something that really floored me. She said that, now that my mother is far away, and I am not obligated to talk to her, or I have the choice not to…I have to let someone else be the place where I pay for my existence. That is G. I feel like I live and breathe and smile and yawn and enjoy sunshine at a cost. And he is the piper I pay…for the most personal ‘perks’ anyway. I pay others for everyday things. But I have myself paying a cost for things that are actually free… Having fun when I was a kid was free, not sinful. Having a say was free, not obstinate. I am free to work as long as I want… I am free to be as angry as I want for as long as I want. I am free to cry for days if I like. I don’t have to pay anyone back with an explanation, or embarrassment… I am free to tune out and I don’t have to pay someone back with extra hugs or attention when I am done…
This is an example of a list of notes I wrote myself while trying to work one day:
-Things I don’t have to think about while I’m working: what I”m going to do tonight (meeting, exercise? school/course-work? laundry?), G, travel plans, what I’m going to cook at home…
Everything is in the way of my writing my dissertation. I let everything get in the way…
One of my colleagues: can he send me something I can send to students for their reference?
* I spent money today to feel comfort, to feel deserving, to cater to my tastes, to feel like I have a choice and control, to feel like I am not deprived.
A parent would remind me: ‘don’t eat a whole bag of candy’, take breaks when you’re working, meditate during the day, listen to your feelings.
things I can’t do today because I am too busy with work: walk, swim, stepwork, videogame
I was not born to help my mother. I was not born to ‘be there’ for her. That is not my one and only purpose. I was not born to support her. I was not born to pick up other people’s slack. I was not born to… What WAS I born for?
It is humid here today. Best to start with something simple about my most immediate experience of life, right? I really want to write an entry this morning, and I have lots of stirry feelings inside, but no words. I think I am unable to articulate because I am putting pressure on myself from the inside to finish the draft of my chapter. And I am miltitantly giving myself the figurative evil eye that says: ‘do that and nothing else until it’s done!’. I am bullying myself… I don’t know how to release myself from that grip. I could
– try to attach images to the feelings that are in my body?
– try to do things to make the chapter-writing appear more feasible (how to complete it today…)
– express some gratitude?
How do I come home to that quiet place when I feel like such big concerns and failures are on the immediate horizon?