Monthly Archives: September 2013

Mistaking Choice.

Having feelings, expressing them, making them known…I am used to feeling like that is a relationship death sentence. If someone doesn’t like what they see, hear, the reaction they get, I am doomed. So I hide, I suppress, I pretend, I act, I pacify, and in the process my baggage grows exponentially. I feel backed into a corner as though the only way out is to do, say, feel things on their terms. So I am trapped, not just in my fears but in someone else’s (!) lies.

What I have not realized is that every time I am faced with resistance, rejection, dissatisfaction, disapproval, criticism, cruelty…for my honest reactions, my path does not narrow, it splits. Every time I am shut down I have a choice. There is another road behind me on which I can keep in walking. I just did not notice it because the person I am facing distracted me or made it sound like there was no other way to go but theirs.

But every time I am hurt or shut down I really have a choice. If they are not going to be a nice place to be, I can go the other way.

I think it goes for everything. The ‘impossible’ situations we get presented with are signs of choices, not of not having any choice. Usually the overwhelming nature of the situation is just too distracting for one to see the other option(s).

Awareness, I pray that today I find myself aware of my true feelings as well as aware of my choices, and kind to myself in my choices.


Chicken Fajitas with Pico de Gallo and Guacamole

This post seems a little (a lot) out of place in between these recent posts…

But food sustains during these difficult times… Even just the thought of delicious food.

Happiness can be found in things such as pico de gallo when it is not immediately elsewhere on any particular day…mmmmm.



I love having fajitas at least once a week, I always make homemade guacamole from scratch and tonight I made Pico de Gallo, recipes as follows:


▶Pico de Gallo◀
•4 organic roma tomatoes chopped
•3 slices red onion diced
•1/2 jalapeno diced
•1 garlic clove minced
•handful of cilantro minced
•1/2 small fresh squeezed lime
•Fresh ground pepper

☆Chop all veggies and toss with lime juice and pepper.


•2 large avocados
•2 slices of red onion diced
•3 slices of tomato chopped
•1 tbsp cilantro minced
•1 tsp diced jalapeno
•1/2 fresh squeezed lime
•Fresh ground pepper
•Pinch garlic powder

☆Mash avocado until smooth (ok to have chunky) add rest of ingredients and mix well. If you like you can use a food processor to blend for a more creamy guac.

•12 oz chicken breast or what ever other protein you like
•1 large bell pepper julienned

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Grief Looms

I’m the mornings, just when I have come to, grief hangs so low and thick. I am blinded by it like a pea soup fog blinds. It sits on me like a 5-ton animal, waiting for me to admit it is there.

Every day I ignore my grief. That makes every day feel like a loss. Every day is a sad forgone conclusion because it begins with grief and I ignore it. So it sits on me all day. Eating its breakfast, then it’s lunch then it’s dinner, humming and huh’ing all day, humoring me as I try to live my day…with it’s 5-ton ass on my back.

If I could admit how heavy it is, admit how sad I am… If I admit how sad I am, if I admit that things have not worked, if I cry and scream and dry-heave about it. If I let myself show it. Show the devastation, admit the pain and hurt, then I can stop the broken record. The lies.

It hurts when someone has not been honest. When I overlooked that and they used that opportunity to be dishonest again and again. I wanted to burst.

I thought I was a bad unloving person for being so upset at the dishonesty.

But I was being a bad partner for ever letting it go the first time.

I was an immature unreliable partner for playing a game, for going along with it like someone would go along with a kid’s lie and giving them any indication that that could go on for a moment. I gave them the impression that that was the kind of relationship I want. That I can take it. That I respect and love that. Bad partner for giving him the wrong idea. My actions gave him the wrong idea.

I grieve about that mistake, my mistake. I hate every moment that I do not change that. And I grieve for every moment that he hurt my feelings and knew it and he let it go… He waited, like a little kid, for it to pass. And I waited for him to come back to me even though I was destroyed.

I grieve because I am so so so sad.
I won’t let it come because I am afraid to be debilitated. I will be debilitated when I let myself feel the pain.

I deserve relief though. Silly to go on like this.

Grieve S, grieve. On the other side is new, new steps. The chance to start from where I want to. The chance to make every happy decision. Make decisions that keep me true and loving and loved and out from underneath this huge grief beast that sits happily on me and doesn’t let me shift for comfort or to itch or to breathe.

Grief, sadness, truth about who I am — how fortunate I am that you are still there…that you are not SO buried, so far away, so obscure. On these mornings where I feel half dead, you are really just there to remind me of what I have left to do. I must give myself the gift of true expression of my feelings, and then I will receive the gift that is on the other side.

I am so sad, I am.
Once I let myself feel it, let myself act it, let myself be who I am, I will be able to get up in the morning like a feather floats up from the ground.
I can be proud of my feelings. They are me and only show me the way… When I am rejected for them I am not really shut down. I am really just being given a choice.

Grief is a beginning, not an end…


Who do I meet When I Meditate?

Today, while listening to a helpful intro to meditation I came to a room in my mind. THE room of my mind.

My sentinel stands (as) the west wall of my room right now. I sit at the north end of the room looking straight towards the back of the room. I don’t like to look straight at the sentinel. He/She stands the strongest I can imagine, black and dusty like charcoal, with scrapes and marks on his/her surface, holding up that end of the room so that the whole ceiling does not collapse.

I can also feel “The Errand-Girl”. She is near me but stays just on the border of my peripheral vision to my right. Ready to get up at any moment, doesn’t want recognition out of fear but…at beck-and-call.

There is also ‘little Shantelle, who is making herself small and quiet, to my left side, under the blanket I have around my torso. Close enough for me to touch.

This room is my breath. It is there if I let my breath…

My Things

– if I want to leave the house for a walk I can’t just go for a walk. I HAVE to go to the grocery store. I have a ‘thing’ from my childhood that I need an excellent choice of foods to eat in my fridge and cupboard. Makes me feel like my home is more of a home. Like I belong here. Like I am important, present…

Kind Reminders for Shantelle

I have taken this from :

And I have changed the wording in a couple of the reminders solely for my own purposes.

I’ve discovered something so many times that it’s not really a discovery anymore…

A lot of people in this world aren’t very kind to themselves.

And that’s too bad because every person on this planet is a gift!

No matter where you are on your journey to create an amazing life, these 5 reminders will help you be kind to yourself.  Say them out loud and see how they make you feel…


5 Kind Things You Need to Hear Yourself Say

1. I am necessary and my needs matter.

Do you believe you are enough and your needs are valid? If not, it is time to be honest. If you believe you are anything less than wonderful, powerful, appreciated, and honored, you are believing a lie that is keeping you stuck. God is kind and will reveal the truth to you if you ask.

2. I am speaking from my own honesty and what I say is important.

Stop criticizing yourself and going over things you think you did wrong or things you regret saying.

One way to let it go: hold your neurovascular points—the points right above each eye on your forehead—for about 15-20 minutes while you are going off on a tangent in your head. It will quiet it and stop it.

3. I am grateful for my healthy body and spirit.

It’s easy to become sedate and immobile in our time. Life force energy is stagnant and stuck for many people. So get out and move your body! It can be something as simple as walking or stretching.

Even if you feel like you don’t have a completely healthy body, express gratitude to your body for what it can do! Being kind to your body will charge it with positive energy and affirmation.

4. I am kind to myself and then to others today.

When you catch yourself about to say something negative about yourself, just stop. Remind yourself that you are being kind to yourself today.

This doesn’t work unless you show gratitude and kindness to others, too. What you offer to others you only offer to yourself.

5. I may have powerful effect on people, and I use my power to make a loving and inspirational difference in this world.

For support to create your life, use the “Daily Script” in my book, Remembering Wholeness. You can find it in the back in the Appendix. Reading this script gets your day going in a vibrant positive energy.

I read it everyday for months. I still read it several times a week.

May you have the kind of day that leaves you feeling amazed and grateful. Be kind to yourself!

God Bless You,
Carol Tuttle

I am a pretty ok person.

I am a loving and kind and caring person even if I don’t think it is ok for someone to lie to me.

I am a loving and kind and caring person even if I don’t put up with being second to a room-mate.

I am a loving and kind and caring person even if I don’t wait for the man I love to stop drinking.

I am a loving and kind and caring person even if I don’t put myself in a situation that makes me feel unimportant, foolish, used, second-rate to be around the person I love.

I am a wonderful person even if I don’t pretend that he is ok like he wants me to.

I am an intelligent and tender person even if I don’t share my resources because it will sink me if I do.

I am still a good person if I ask for help.

I am still a good kind thoughtful person if I leave other people to make their own mistakes.

I am still a wonderful person if I remove myself from a situation that is harmful to me.

I am still a wonderful person if I get angry for the 898th time about feeling like I am second-fiddle to an alcohol-buzzed life-style.

Drawing a Blank

There are usually much more simple answers to my questions than I believe. I pray for the moment when I can provide myself with these simple insights rather than am taking myself the long way around.

Right now I need to know how to spend my next couple of hours. I need to know what is the best way to spend my time given my current work demands and my mental abilities the moment, and my arms’ abilities to manipulate the keyboard (I have regular tendinitis in my arms from typing on laptop and it can be mood altering and painful and force me to not work when I really need to…)

I technically have a couple of work hours left in my day after taking lots of the aftn with my brother. I want to sail but if I ‘can’ work I am afraid to give up the time. The weather is fabulous and I need some fun/relaxed time. But I am terrible at procrastinating (I procrastinate well)…

I want to meditate as per Mingyur Rinpoche but I don’t know if that will give me the answer to what is best for me over the next couple of hours…

I feel compelled to force myself I do something I don’t want to do and I’d rather not go with that.

I’m afraid that anything I decide will take too long.

I feel like I have a weak if not completely malfunctioning inner compass. What, Shantelle, would your HP have you do?

Nip in Bud

I’ve been trying for the longest time to put into words what my first feeling is in the morning that makes me not want to get up…Whatever it is that sits on me like an elephant… It is a thought like this:

“Great. Another long hard lonely unsuccessful loser day.”

I need an affirmation to counter this…

Thank you for this additional opportunity for me to use time to the healthiest of my ability. I reach out to friends and strangers, and I will put my best effort into completing my piece of exquisite work.

And while I’m at it. Tonight I will let go so my higher power can give me all I need for a peaceful restful sleep.
Thank you for these tired even-paced breaths.

Denial Crap

If I were to call him or answer his call it would be because
1- I want only the good parts of him
2- I have convinced myself that he sees the light or will very soon
3- I want to believe that he will commit to me
4- I am living a dream that he let me believe even though he knew he couldn’t do it (yet)
5- my actions are based on hope, not on reality, on what I want, not what I have
6- I believe I can make him happy
7- I don’t think I can live or have love any better than what we’ve had so far…