Monthly Archives: April 2015
How do I love thee…? No, I mean how do I love mee…? 😉
The other day, I was asking my slaa sponsor about how I know what my purpose is here? At this moment my life feels like a barren stormy land. Without signposts, landmarks, even oases… And I am used to finding comfort by being of use to someone else. When I know I am needed, I know I am something. Someone. The reason I know that I operate that way is because I am not in a/my/the relationship right now and I have no understanding of how to get satisfaction, peace, calm, contentment… What do I have to be happy about?
When I asked my sponsor about feeling that I can’t access happiness unless I have ‘done something’ for it, she said, try to shift to being my own friend and ask myself what I would say in response if I was my own friend. I ended up going to the mirror, looking myself in the face and saying “Karrie, I feel as though I don’t deserve to be happy unless I earn my happiness someohow…what do you say to that?” And my response to myself was – “that’s kind of mean, Karrie, to tell yourself that you can not be happy until you do something to deserve it… How ‘not nice’ is that?! You don’t need to believe that…!”
Wow, to hear myself defend me… I haven’t really truly done that…and in the mirror the experience was powerful…because I really felt like I was communicating with myself… It was such a nice feeling to me ‘behind me’.
My horoscope today – it’s about how I might be tempted to impress someone right around now… but that I am actually longing for more in life than ‘shaking my tail feathers’ for a connection. My true desires are deeper and I can figure out what will fulfill me for the long haul. I know it’s cliche but ‘how fitting’…
In the last few days I have encountered two people in meetings that I have been around in meetings for at least a couple of years. Both male. Both objects of curiosity (yes, curiosity with some appreciation for their contribution to meetings) for me from the first time I saw them. A couple of days ago, one shared some brief things with me about his story after a meeting. And the other, whom I know from another program and I have not seen in at least a year, was unexpectedly in a meeting today and we were pleasantly surprised to see each other. This latter guy also chatted briefly with me after the meeting about his step journey. Both occasions were humbling because I am flattered that someone trusts me to share their experience, particularly a man in the programs we are in. With both I am afraid of not knowing the difference in myself, between feelings of simple pleasure and ‘plutonic’ caring, and ‘falling’ into unhealthiness. I really appreciated how both of them were interested in talking more, because I crave to hear others’ experiences, and mens’ experiences would be super great to hear, and I certainly would like to have a reciprocal exchange of experience, but in this particular fellowship I can not be perfectly open to any men with my time and space right now. I feel an impatience to chat with them in a way that I think could have some negative implications. But I have walked away from both immediate situations quite gently but quickly, leaving things open for the next time. Really hoping that we can find a time with a number of other members to share on things. Time passing is never a bad thing.
And the other person I have ‘encountered’ (almost) is my (ex). I established my bottom lines about a week ago: “do not initiate contact with G” and “do not initiate contact with my ex-es”. This morning, as is usual most days, I had the volume off on my phone, and when I got up to get ready to go to the noon meeting I checked my phone and there was a missed call from G at 10:25… It caught me off guard. I’m thankful the volume had been off…
I didn’t believe it…I had to look at the screen a couple of different times (I did again just now)… The call could mean a dozen different things. Or one single thing. And I have been distracting myself in these last couple of weeks too much with other important (self) things so I don’t feel immediately compelled to contemplate that for too long. I did feel the urge to cry though. Like a “please stop” cry…
I am at a loss for how to act like a regular human being. How to just ‘be’. Maybe just ‘being’ means feeling all of these things… Dealing with conflict inside, curiosity, loss, doubt, anticipation, disappointment, awkwardness… Until I am more settled.
Thanks to my horoscope haha I have the reminder that making myself into something more than I am, adjusting to respond, to make something more out of something that is just as it is, is not what I can or sincerely want to do right now. I may feel a knee jerk reaction to respond as I have 100’s of times. But I can see myself a little clearer now. At least I can see that I feel and AM more than that. I always have been.
What do I need to do to become the person who:
1) couldn’t be offended by him?
2) couldn’t be trapped ?
3) couldn’t be used?
4) couldn’t be paralyzed by fear of being alone?
5) couldn’t think shit of myself?
5) couldn’t be bothered by him?
7) couldn’t be demeaned by him?
8) couldn’t feel alone because of him ?
9) can’t be made to feel like a policewoman of someone else’s actions?
Is it a crime to care for yourself?
It feels like it when you are with someone who cares less for themselves that you do for yourself.
An(other) addict can make me feel pretty bad for caring for myself.
Non-recovering addicts don’t like to live with the consequences of their actions. They like to try to make other people live with the consequences of their own actions.
G tells me I am judgmental when I express unhappiness, sadness, frustration, etc in response to his uncaring behavior.
I am suffering right now, feeling destitute. Because I am trying to allow G to suffer the consequences of his actions. In return he does what he thinks is punishing me – Calling him out on being uncaring, selfish, completely…he thinks that I should show I care about him for accepting him ‘as he is’. If I don’t, I don’t ‘really’ love him. He doesn’t call back…meaning “I’ll show you.” And I feel punished because I think I deserve care because of how much I care about him. Because I accepted him back into my time and space (he should feel thankful) after the low-down way he has treated me.
I don’t have the “consequences for his actions” thing straight. I want people who are inconsiderate and self-absorbed, and neglectful, and manipulative, and deceptive, and cruel to suffer the consequences of their actions.
But those people are suffering so much in the first place that they couldn’t feel regret, or sadness for hurting someone else if they had a gun to their head.
It is unfortunate that I’ve surrounded myself with people who are suffering so much at the outset that even a start to a healthy exchange with them is impossible.
And I am one of those people. I am looking to live my life with a respect for myself, and a respect for my role and responsibility in the world, but I am still suffering from my history of being hurt and having suffered that hurt, and learning that the people who hurt me could justify doing it again if they wanted. I am suffering from the decades-long accumulation of resentment and fear of having been hurt and still being vulnerable to that very same hurt. Because I think it will only go away if someone suffers consequences, or if I don’t allow anyone to hurt me ever again.
Self-worth? How do I live that? Does one start again? How does one build it on top of a pile of emotional rubble??
Does self-worth still mean self-worth when it is not in response to being treated like I don’t matter?