Monthly Archives: May 2017
I do make them.
I do feel lots and lots of things.
I thought that all of those things were wrong or unnatural, or bad….because of the ways that people reacted to me when I was very young. And then as I grew older.
So, at a very early age, I began to punish myself for having all of those feelings, feeling all of those connections. All of it.
None of it was wrong. I didn’t know what to do with any of it because those who were supposed to care for me and guide me were busy doing other things.
Now, I am faced with more of my truths than ever before, no one to guide me in how to live with them from moment to moment.
Only some new insights.
My connections are true.
They are so varied.
And they are different with everyone.
Some of those connections…I should not pursue very far. Some of them I should.
All of them are creating me somehow.
If others do not like my connection with them, that is their thing. It doesn’t mean that the connection I feel with them is wrong. It just means that we are not on the same wavelength at the moment.
Others can’t seem to ‘get’ a connection with me. Because they are not connected with themselves. (Like, my mother.) I keep myself safe from those.
Feeling feels horrendous.
Yet, that has been the whole point of this past…however many years.
Taking responsibility for my feelings.
Be aware of what I am feeling.
And then letting it flow.
And making decisions based on how I feel.
And then allowing myself to not feel guilty or regretful or fearful after I have acted on the feeling(s).
It intensifies on a regular occasional basis. I try to imagine that it is not who I am. That it is not the same loneliness I felt years and years ago. But it is.
When I am encountering new people, new friends, new possible romantic interests…I get to this insecure place. Almost always. And I want to ignore that it is the same place I have been before. Because I don’t want to be the same girl I was way back when. Way back when I had no one. Way back when those I had were all I had…and their incomplete way of caring was something that I thought meant something about who I was.
I feel lonely meeting people who have had much better caring than me. I feel ashamed still, like I did when I was 9 years old…5 years old…when I took responsibility for not being supervised…When I learned that other people felt sorry for me…that they thought that there was nothing that could be done for a kid whose parents did not look after her.
Now…I see myself in comparison to others. Or I see my (non-)caring entourage in comparison with others’ caring entourages. And I guess the question is…can I see myself as a person who is something separate from the uncaring? Can I see myself as a person who is miraculously not the type of person who grew up neglected like I did? Is it possible for me to be that?
Will I always be ‘that poor girl’…whom someone looks upon and notices my weaknesses or instabilities and then ‘understands why’. Am I a really true strong and ‘everything’ person despite not having had those gaps filled in as a kid? Can one be amazing when one was not treated amazingly?