Monthly Archives: July 2015

Ways to Release

I watched a couple of videos on the Sedona Method this morning. I have tried to get into it a little before, but the very first stage, of recognizing and ‘feeling’ the sensations in my body is a difficult one. And the short videos on Youtube are, of course, short. I feel rushed into asking the questions; Could I let go of that feeling? Would I let go of it? When? I don’t even make it as far as having really sat with the feeling for long enough to know what exactly I will be letting go of.

But I discovered a couple of important things though, that will help me out, until I find more instruction, guides. These are very, very important for me because I am like a scared child that doesn’t want to come out of the closet for fear of being quashed.

1) There are always techniques for visualizing feelings that can show me how to stay with them for a while. Visualizing opening a door or window to my feelings gave me an pretty much instant view of them. In color, texture, sound, temperature, etc, etc. With this I had something to ‘stay with’. Something to watch and get used to in a conscious way. And as I began to allow myself to stay with them, I could image what letting go of them would feel like. Other methods that were mentioned for ‘witnessing’ feelings were to a) imagine them as clouds passing by, or 2) as smoke flowing out from a chimney. I really appreciated the first way, but also liked the clouds method, as it would allow me to give the feelings a texture and density and color and temperature, etc etc.

2) The second thing I discovered that was helpful was that, letting go of feelings often feels impossible for me, because I think they are who I am. In order to facilitate or engineer this process of letting go of feelings I had to think of it in terms of letting go of the desire to DO SOMETHING about the feelings. If I think of it in these terms I can consider my reactions to having painful or stressful feelings or thoughts and write them down or maybe list them in my mind, and then ask myself if I can let go of DOING these things. Because I feel so guilty about doing things wrong in general, I have a hard time accepting that my feelings can go by the wayside, and that my reactions to painful feelings are actually not needed. But if I take some moments to reflect on my resistance to or effort towards the feelings I notice how much hard work it is and that the feelings are not, in fact the worst thing. My reactions to them are more burdensome. Asking myself if I could let go of doing anything about my feelings is like asking myself if I want to give myself less work to do. If I want to put myself through less aggravation.

So, I am closer to using the Sedona Method. If anyone has any useful tools or knows any more helpful videos, please pass them along…?

🙂 S

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I Act Like This Is True

Even though I know different intellectually…(and I know I am supposed to act differently) I act like:

I am less deserving than everyone else of success.
I am less worth others’ energy and attention.
I deserve less praise, less money, less achievements, less appreciation, less sensitivity, less help, less explanation, less guidance, less support, less time.
I think that people won’t miss me if I’m not around.
I don’t value my own personal existence. I don’t believe I have enough value…

I am working on it.
But the patterns still come back…

I Act Like This Is True

Even though I know different intellectually…(and I know I am supposed to act differently) I act like:

I am less deserving than everyone else of success.
I am less worth others’ energy and attention.
I deserve less praise, less money, less achievements, less appreciation, less sensitivity, less help, less explanation, less guidance, less support, less time.
I think that people won’t miss me if I’m not around.
I don’t value my own personal existence. I don’t believe I have enough value…

I am working on it.
But the patterns still come back…

Withdrawal From Qualifier

I just have to see if I can describe the thoughts and feelings right now. Even though I have spent LONG periods of time away from my qualifier (alcoholic partner), I experience a lot of traumatic thoughts feelings and sensations that have the effect of making me want to send a message or call him.

Today I feel the sadness, feelings of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, he makes me feel like i have abandoned him, like I am not understanding enough, or patient enough. Like I haven’t ACCEPTED him for who he is.(!!) I feel like I have not passed his tests and that I am supposed to keep on trying. I have a kind of a gross toxic feeling inside, like I drank some kind of chemical that is giving me an upset stomach and a headache. On the worst days my gut feels like it is rotting and there is something poking me or trying to rip me open. I feel like I should be punished for not making things ok. For not pretending things are ok. For not being whatever it is he wants me to be.

The feeling is so strong… I know that none of these thoughts are really true. But I am amazed at how powerful they are. They scare me into hiding from the world, and from myself. They shape my being from hour to hour and day to day. How they blind me from the freedom that I really have to experience free emotion, free thought, free action…

My truth is that I am supposed to do anything that allows me to live more fully, allows me to act and feel and do everything that I can so I can contribute to the world. I think if I give myself more options in that area, I won’t feel as trapped by the scary, guilty, shame thoughts and feelings…

There Are Some Ways that I Perpetuate My Fears

I have found it very difficult to release some habits.
Especially motivating myself to do something (write a thesis) by scaring myself.
When I feel myself getting tired or distracted I try to keep myself on track by warning myself that ‘I will be punished if I don’t do this…’

I have begun to motivate myself with positive reinforcement in some ways…but the propensity to scare the shit out of myself, to scare myself into doing something that is responsible or productive is still there…

That it clearer now.
Maybe I can think of some ways to consistently give myself positive encouragement and reinforcement… Think of some things to say or do. And make those my tools from morning to night…

Enjoy Shantelle

Further to my recent post (Negative Imprint, Life’s Purpose), I have resolved to practice acting on my life’s purpose. That includes practicing enjoying me and who I am.

This morning as I was biking to the office, I realized that stressful thoughts were scaring me and decided to remind myself of some ways that I feel good about myself. Two popped in to mind. I love the wind blowing in my hair as I’m cycling. I love the fact that my hair is soft, almost baby soft. I love that I am a physically and mentally strong person. I love that I am physically capable. And I love that even when I am supremely anxious I can think of things that I really enjoy doing or seeing or thinking about.

I am a self-healer.

Praise

Shantelle, you are an amazingly tenacious woman. Passionate and determined, an inspiring and exciting person to be 🙂 xo.

My Negative Imprint, My Life’s Purpose

How did I feel when each of my relationships ended?

Like death, like I was being punished, like I was being cast back because I didn’t have what it took, like I was being disposed of. Devastated, scourged, ravaged, wasted, harmed, picked over and abandoned, destroyed, harmed, defaced, taken apart, mutilated, pillaged, misused, ruined, desecrated, devoured, spit out, looted, stripped of value and beauty, wrecked, wreaked havoc of, demolished, trashed.

What are the opposites of these? (My Life Purpose is to learn to be:)

Built, awarded, protected, praised, esteemed, replenished, lauded, blessed, venerated, boosted, taken to good places by life, venerated, celebrated, raved about, valued, held in high regard, adored, cherished, delighted in, respected, marveled at, prized, taken pleasure in, commended, encouraged, sanctified, absolved, affirmed, glorified, honored, aggrandized, appreciated, endorsed, adulated, worshiped…

Try it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN16ubqbJUA
Thank you, Teal.

And next will be to think of the ways I already am these things.
And then to think of how I can do more of this.
xox

The Reason for My Anger

i am a quiet person. 

But I experience a lot of anger inside. I experience anger because I feel people punished me for things that were not my fault my entire life.

Yes, I certainly misbehaved at moments, as a child. And I have as an adult too. But my bottom line guilt is a result of: 

– feeling unwanted by my mother

– feeling that if I did not do or act the way my mother wanted me to that I was reinforcing the idea that she was ‘burdened’ with a daughter.

– my father was threatening even when I hadn’t misbehaved

– he punished me for nothing, and he punished me disproportionately severely for things that I did wrong. He turn a long held anger out on me.

This atmosphere has surrounded me until now. I am 42 and have travelled around the world. I’ve had many relationships and learned so many things.

But I have never expressed and processed in a focussed fashion the anger I feel at being punished, and at learning that I need to be afraid to be punished for anything at another person’s whim.

Well, I am irate. I am disgusted. I am repulsed and I find my mother and father’s and others’ behavior revolting and ignorant and abusive and repugnant. Oh, and abhorrent, gross, sickening, excrable. 

I’ve always been afraid to express how angry I feel. Because I thought it would make me ugly. And because I thought that if someone knew I was angry for being punished they would question my anger and not how someone treated me. Like when you go to prison you suffer the stigma whether you are guilty or not. I never thought I could get out from under that…

Now I am ready to learn how. How to climb out from under my own fear. How to live without others’ impressions of my experiences and resulting choices having any power over the trajectory of my life.

So, how to really accept and process my anger? I’ve been checking out some of this person’s talks, Teal Swan, and they have been REALLY helpful. I found this one and am going to see what I can get out of it. I’ll write again after I watch it and do some of my own work with it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED7s-fbTF_M

If you would like to share on your anger and how you process it so that you don’t feel trapped with it or burdened by it please share. I would love suggestions.

Things i Grow