Monthly Archives: May 2012

While it’s just me, what is important? Well, forever then. Because it’s always just me.

This is a difficult question, a difficult mental exercise. I can certainly answer the question for a friend, or 10. But me? I am ‘acting like’ I feel like my things are important.

Do I just feel guilty all day every day that I am not finished my thesis, and that I am so repulsed by it?!

Well, maybe. But back to the question. What is important in Karrie-land? Ummm

Garden

Yoga

Food

Bikes

Outdoors

Sailing lessons

Comfy things

Sleep

Things I like are important in Karrie-land…!!! That’s it! What I like is important.

So, when it comes to that realization that other things provide structure to my life, like school and boyfriends… What will be MY structure? What structure will come from me. What structure will remain with me through to my death, even if I start to see someone? What structure will I want to hold on to that much. Which structure will I be able to respect myself with? Which structure will I hold onto while someone else looks on and appreciates me for who I am? I though G was appreciating what I was doing, but he was not. Back though, to my structure: what structures Karrie’s life?

Hm – already gave myself the answer AGAIN! Things I Like!!

Yay. Every moment, things I like will be the structure of my life. So, I like the things I listed above, but in themselves they are not the structure of my life, they are some of the structure of my life because of how I do them, how much I do them, what I make of them when I do them.

Learning is something that is part of the architecture of my life. Everything I do I feel as though I am learning from. I do it because I CAN learn from it.

I like to put myself into things. That is what my life is like.

I just have to be careful, now that I have had insight, to put myself into MY stuff and not someone else’s. Put myself into MY self. Everything. Unless I am ‘helping’ someone else. Not doing things for them. Only helping them to do things. Woh, this is going to be intense learning…!!! <huge exhale>

 

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Perspective

I got some (more)perspective today:
By helping people the way I do (sometimes) I am taking their control. I learned that it is good to take over something that is not yours when I was young, with my mother. But this approach is no longer useful. I was not supposed(to be obligated) to do things that were her responsibility. I didn’t have to take responsibility for her stuff. And I don’t have to take responsibility for other people’s stuff now. I have to think about what is ‘help’ and what is taking too much responsibility. If I do plan meals for them (without them really asking) then they do not have control over their meals, or they are conflicted with me. If I manage their money for them, they don’t have control over their money. The good news is that I should wait for them to ask, to ask for EXACTLY what they want. Listen carefully (that is always the key). Wait, and enjoy that free time, of not working on someone else’s responsibilities. Enjoy

C said that I am attracting people that are not taking responsibility for their own stuff because I learned to take responsibility for other people’s stuff. I learned I was supposed to insert myself in when they are somewhere desperate. I came to understand that that is what people need and want. But they don’t, really. And they won’t appreciate it then (or ever). Most importantly that’s not what they need.

Ask myself the hard questions, the interview questions that I ask these needy people in my life, and then help myself. Jump in and save my own self. Take responsibliity for my own situations. Interview myself and tailor solutions to MY own issues and needs. I won’t complain that you are taking over my life, Karrie! 😉

Wait for other people to ask for exactly what they need, not just tell you the problem. If they don’t tell you what they need, in practical terms, then don’t do anything! Just listen. What a load off! Listen and Wait for them to tell you what they want you to do about it, if anything. Then help them do it. Don’t do it yourself. Do what YOU need. Only help THEM DO what they need. Don’t solve their problem for them.

I am addicted to addressing the problem because all my mom ever did was pile her problems on me… And I struggled to do something to make it better… I scrambled. Don’t scramble. You don’t need to scramble, Karrie. Only for you.

I feel terrible for imposing on people, even G. I feel so terrible… Not about the helping so much, but for imposing my dysfunctional needs and patterns on someone else… I feel some resentment if i let it be about whether that person appreciates my help. I learned that i am important because of my help. If someone disses my help or doesnt want it then it is not good enough. I am not good enough. But when I think about it from the perspective of taking their control away, I feel really bad. My dad did that to me today. I asked him for help and he went 5 times past that. i now feel less control over something that I had an entire plan for, that I am responsible for, and I have his effort hanging over my head on top of that.

Thank you universe for these hard lessons today. Thank you for helping me as I look for ways to be a better stronger person. Thank you for showing me the different sides to the same story…

This is how I am coming to know how to take care of MYSELF. I can do that help stuff as much as I want on me. Do that, Karrie 🙂

I love and accept myself just the way I am. With how I feel too.

Oh, what a lesson I have learned in the last couple of days.

Always prioritize yourself, K.

Either ask if people want your help, and if they want to see the same outcome as you, or really reflect on whether you have everything you need before you start helping them.

Wow, what a lesson…Still.

I truly and deeply love and accept myself, just the way I am.

– even though I am codependent and lonely

– even though I am resentful

– even though I am damaged

– even though I am angry

– even though I don’t know the answers to my problems right now.

– even though I am outrightly procrastinating

Grateful today

– for another chance to learn what it means to love myself.
– to lay in my hammock
– for my brother and his family
– for the seedlings that are growing in my kitchen and garden.
– for my comfy bed
– for my ability to see possibility this morning

Affirm Me

I deeply and complete love and accept myself.

I write with focus and enjoyment.

I work on my phd diligently.

I give myself time to recuperate every day.

I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete even a few sentences with everything I write.

My thoughts today

Since our thoughts are where our experiences come from, I am going to practice putting the experiences I want into thoughts and starting with those thoughts.

Today is not going to kill me.

I want to work on my thesis.

I will relax today.

I know how to relax.

I listen to myself. I watch myself.

I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Remember

I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

I…

I Truly and Deeply Love and Accept Myself.

What do I have?

When I feel empty and lonely from missing him (because physiologically I haven’t gone through withdrawal), please remember what I have, who I am, how I want to live, how I feel about life and the future and my future, and my happiness and what I want to enjoy.

Before/When I me G

I had peace.

I had optimism.

I had calmness.

I had more self-esteem.

I had gumption.

I had clarity.

I didn’t feel this solid 24-hour anxiety.

I could unclench.

I did not feel doom.

I did not feel such pain.

My most inner fears and resentments were not so accessible.

I had not witnessed anger and hate and pain and resentment and self-sabotage and fear and denial (well, maybe since my mom, but we have a bit of a different relationship).

I could swim.

I could bike.

I could walk.

I could smile.

I could share myself with people a little bit.

I have the opportunity to discover those things again now, and even more than those. I now want even more than that.

I do not have to lower my quality of feeling and life to that level in order to be a good person with the person I am with. Being alone is better than being with someone who is and who wants to share that much unhappiness.

One thing may be a blessing. My inner fears and resentments, my childhood baggage have never been to close to the surface for so long… I may be able to really grab them by the roots, throw them by the wayside and move on now. Because they are so accessible. They are so tormenting and ‘itchy’… They are like demons that have to be exorcised…I feel that ugly right now.

Despair, self-loathing, depression, sense of failure do not a writer make.

I need to write as quickly as possible.

But the words are coming slow, because I think I am not capable of the simplest tasks, in life and in work…