Monthly Archives: December 2013
I have said this before, but I say it again, because I am so thankful for AA meetings. I am not an alcoholic…But I am addicted to alcoholics and people who act like alcoholics, and I act like an alcoholic but not with alcohol. I am just as much an addict, but I do not drink.
and every time I go to an AA meeting I take something away…about my own behavior…Tonight, I am thankful and happy for someone’s reflection on how they would always set themselves up for failure when they drank. I do that…
They would do things they did not like, were not into, did not have time to do, were not capable of, and inevitably disappoint…themselves mostly. I task myself with things that I can not possibly accomplish or resolve in the time I give myself or under the circumstances in which I find myself.
The voice in my head tells me I am a coward if I do not put myself in that position, ironically. I feel as though if I make things easy – or simply not difficult – on myself, that I am worthless. There is no point to me. What is so great about only doing what i am capable of doing? What is reasonable for me to do? What I enjoy doing? What I have the energy for? What I ‘know how’ to do?? I have the voice in my head that tells me how silly I am to keep things ‘in the realm of Shantelle.’
I wake up first thing in the morning disappointed in myself because I anticipate impending failure. I will not complete an entire dissertation today. I will not clean everything today. I will not right all wrongs today. I will not, today, make up for every time I have let someone down in my life. I will procrastinate out of fear. I will be late. i will be inadequate.
It’s a wonder I don’t drink… 😉
I pray to learn at the pace my Higher Power leads me, how to live my day at my speed, with honesty, at my pace, at my level, as a human, with only human (not super-human) ability, emotion, physicality, affection…
I pray to learn to pay attention to what I can do. What I feel like doing. What makes me happy, at ease, peaceful, what represents as well as enhances my ability in ways beautifully specific to me.
I am joyfully grateful for the sincere service of those who have the courage to follow AA.
As I am trying to face and accept my own feelings, I realize that I am simply dismissing some of them because I just don’t like them. Which means they don’t even have a chance. They will just remain in the steaming pool of lava that feels like the bottom of my angry self.
I imagine I will somehow find the courage to face these feelings even though I don’t like them. Or I am afraid of them… The condemnation, the fear. The belief that I am a complete fraud and not worth another person’s effort to be nice to me.
It takes some time to notice how much I need. What I need. That I am a being with needs for help and kindness and contact and easy exchange and guidance.
I haven’t arrived there yet, I know, because when my spirit tells me that I really feel like a meeting today or a group guided meditation the ego voice cuts in…squeaks in an annoying tone, that “it is a waste of your time!! It is for pansies!! It is to self endulgent, who do you think you are…what about listening to my whining, you won’t have time for that?!”
I do chuckle somewhat at that voice now, because I am beginning to learn the pleasure that self care, self respect and self love provides me with.
But my actions must remain and become always more a conscious choice. I must listen to and understand and have compassion for that sad, angry voice in order to not be afraid of it and deprive myself…
Tara Brach asks: how do you relate to your ego, to your egoic self?
1) I depend on my ego as an interface with the world, that I am too afraid to interface with.
2) I can’t reign it in when I feel like it or when it occurs to me to do such a thing. It argues with me like my AlAnon qualifier does. Slips through my fingers.