Monthly Archives: April 2013

Please Believe

Please tell me that I don’t have to crash before I realize that I can’t blame anyone but myself for not taking care of myself and my business.

Why is that such a high wall to scale and propel myself over… Why?!

God, please don’t let me lose everything before I see that no one else can care about my life more than I can.

That is the straw right now, that will save or break the Camel’s back. Can I care about my life right NOW? Can I accept that others, especially the addicts and sociopaths in my life do not and CAN NOT care about my life and success and happiness as much as I can? Why is my own caring so secondary to me? Why do I feel their caring about me is the deciding overwhelming factor. It is non-sensical but it is like I have no control over my brain and chest. I am like a moth to a flame. “Psst”, and then toast. What is it that I need to orient my life around?

Answer: My place in the world according to my higher power.

Seems so simple… Which is maybe why I don’t believe it.

Higher power, please show me my necessity in the world today. Please show me that my emotional sobriety is needed over my pacifying drunkards and sociopaths…and pacifying myself.

Imagine I am not invisible anymore. My hurt hurts the world. My happiness makes the world a better place.

Thank you in advance for your help.
Love,
KShantelle

Help Today

What kind of help do I need today?

A guide
A schedule
Organization ideas
Determination
Motivation
Optimism
Desire
Focus
Forgiveness
Patience
Discipline
Encouragement

Today, I need to be at school by 10:45.
Need to leave home by about 10:15.
By then I would like to have had lemon water. Stretched, eaten breakfast, decided who on my thesis writing team I will contact and what help I will ask them for (at least one person) and have a copy of my article packed to bring to school and review…

Inventory today

I am afraid if people and authority figures, which is one of the reasons I have such a difficult time approaching research and conceiving of how to carry it out. That involves asking people about things and I am afraid that my engagement or interactions with people will reveal that I am not good at thinking about those things. That I am not good at it period.

Gratitude April 10, 2013

Thank you for
– the health in my body
– my courage
– my resolution
– my awareness of my overlooking selfcare oftentimes
– strength to self- contain
– strength to make my happiness the foremost thing in my mind in the face of fear and worry
– strength to show love/affection through frustration and devastation
– broccoli
– sundried tomatoes
– my 9-year old cat
– the ability to imagine how I want things to feel/be better
– the sound of rain on the windows
– tears on my face
– feelings exploding through the cracks in my concrete gut like little spring flowers…

Guilt

I feel guilt at the moment.
Yay, I was able to identify it 🙂

I think I feel guilty because I am not sharing what I am anxious about. I am anxious because
– I don’t really want my ex to drive the car
– I want him to pick me up but I want to be assured that he will not have drank before he left home
– I want to go home and have a quiet bed time but I am afraid that he is going to want me to listen to him talk about a bunch of bs that he is dealing with, thatcher has brought on himself. Listening gives me pain because I can’t tell the truth, because I have to dull my thoughts down for him so that he doesn’t take offense,
– I want to give my cat attention when I get home after being gone for a week, but I’m afraid of giving him too much attention in front of G
– I want to clean myself up, put on clean pjs and relax on the silence, but I don’t think G will think of that even though he knows me.
– I am afraid I will forget the life I have on my own plate as he messily drags his life into mine in an hour.

Oh, and I feel guilty to ME… In case that didn’t really come out above. Guilty because I am feeling vulnerable and at risk in some ways but I am not reacting accordingly. Guilty to myself for not taking care I myself!!

Better than Panic Responses to the Alcoholic

These are kind of like affirmations, i guess 🙂

What I am doing in my life is not what my qualifier is doing in his life. We are separate and very different in our approach to life each day and each afternoon and each night.

He is the drinker and therefore does not have adequate discretion or self-control or self-restraint, but I do. I am not depending on alcohol for my responses to life.

I am happy with my efforts and am working to keep myself healthy and safe. And I can be content with that. I also do not have to defend how I do it. I know I love my qualifier and I know that despite that I have to be wary of him because he does not take adequate care of himself or his affairs. I can take care of my affairs regardless.

I have something to look forward to tomorrow even if he is not involved in it. I know I will feel better and calm and smart and beautiful and kind and honest and like I accomplished something if I do what I have on my plate in the wake of work and personal care.

I Love Myself. It is starting to show 🙂

What If

I can be the most beautiful person in the world to me.

Feeling relaxed, content, and clear-minded are indisputable necessities for my every day.

I only share my time and energy with people who didn’t drain it.

I allow myself to feel satisfied with my own decisions. Even those decisions that perturb other people.

Insights After Time Away

These aren’t necessarily new. I am reminded of them, and the messages are sometimes more salient and logical than others.

1) I don’t do what I need to do because I am busy following my denial patterns and I am afraid to break them. I am afraid to break them because it feels so lonely and uncomfortable without the patterns and people I am used to. Like how alcoholics describe feeling without drinking. Irritable, discontent, not comfortable in my skin. Like i can see on my qualifier’s face when he is itching for a beer and its gotten past ‘itch’ to ‘blame everyone in your path for every little piece of pain you are feeling in this moment’. Scared of stability because we haven’t been able to trust it. Makes more sense to stay in a state of perpetual instability and unpredictability.
I feel, life would be much more simple and get along much better if I just made the decision. But the decision, in its simplicity, is a conundrum. No decisions have ever been easy. They have always been wrought with discontent. Especially those having to do with simply regarding how I feel and acting precisely in response to that.
The statement made by reacting according to my feelings is one of the sharp edge of a knife. Things are definitely decided after that… That person you have decided loves you for who you are all of a sudden…knows who you are. And you have to face it too. And you have to face the half-truth or lie you allowed them to think and act upon.
Why do we live a lie and feel so comfortable in it…when we never gliders secure in it?
Why do we feel that person’s imagination is the end-all be-all?
I am no longer staring what I thought was death in the face. Why does it feel like I’ll die if I live truthfully. How can I feel that way and at the same time know that I can’t live without my truth anymore?

2) recognizing my feelings in the moment, paying attention to them, and then acting accordingly… When I think about actually doing all of this things in any particular moment it’s like thinking about going on an amusement park ride that is definitely going to scare the living molecular-level $&#% out of me. And I can put that off 😉
At the same time, I cannot for the life of me tear my obsessive thoughts away from taking that ride, how to prepare for it, what ‘rational’ thought has to even fleetingly pass through my mind in order to step up to the front of the line and then buckle myself in… The fear expresses itself as quintessential fear and giddiness akin to what I have felt at enjoying to most beautiful destination in the southern Pacific Ocean…

Pieces

Gratitude
– thank you for the personal education I have had for the last 9 months.
– thank you for the calm in my chest that is more calm than the calm I had 6 months ago
– thank you for my able body and able mind
– thank you for comprehension
– thank you for god of my understanding

How much beauty in the world do I have to see or feel before I choose my own beauty in life over others’ pain and my own suffering through their pain?

God of my understanding, please help me get through two horrendously long flights with my aunt. And in that time please help me find something besides this angst and frustration I am feeling that makes me feel like wanting to burst…

Letting Go – the Sentinel

The meditation I was listening to describes letting go as not not having feelings, but letting go of resistance to feelings and experiences. When I think about my resistance to my feelings and experience it is certainly like I have a security guard or sentinel standing in stern and noisy judgment of my feelings and experiences. Letting go, for me, involves putting that smart intel on vacation, or drugging him so that he passes out and is not so diligently reminding me of how illegitimate my experiences are, how risky my feelings are, warning, warning, all the time. Keeping me on the edge all the time. He needs a vacation. If I can give him some time off, I’ll have one less thing to worry about…? Won’t have to heed his stern warning…