These inadequate words tell you what you already know. They come together in a repetition of experience in a form that is original to me. Today, it is the experience of failing myself, because I am trying no to fail someone else. That is the lesson I have not integrated yet.
We, ourselves, the individuals, are not alone when we do things on our own. We are surrounded and connected. But we do not necessarily identify all of this, because we are taught to focus on something that is created as impossible. A kind of earthly connection, that not one of us has in common. We are amongst each other, but our care and satisfaction comes from energy, not the logistics and the form of things. What is your energy? What do you (not) need? Which very simple sustenances are you overlooking?
I am way down the road, the road of what some call “recovery”. I am not, however, free yet.
I knew that there was still something. Or still more than one thing. Very embedded beliefs still cause me to think that I can make things better. That it is just me…in those moments when I am faced with the choice to free myself…it feels like selfishness, and like abandonment, like they will fall off a cliff without me.
I remember one of the lessons I learned (maybe that is a third thing). I lie about how much I can take, about how sad or hurt or tired or bored I am.
And so I blame myself for wanting to go away. And I am simultaneously resentful of them not noticing how I feel. Hypocritical, eh? Not telling the truth but expecting someone else to know it…
The title sounds so sad. And I am at this moment. I feel crumpled. I feel the need to cry. Because of the way an interview went this morning.
And I am madly resisting the cry, with the thought that (someone) will hurt me…No, that’s not exactly it. I think I feel…hate? resentment? Vulgarity? Like my cry did, will do something to someone. My cry will cost me. It proves that I am useless, perhaps? It proves the truth? That I am sad. That I am scared? That I don’t like (them). It is my truth…? And someone else hates that. Will tell me that that is…wrong. Not his truth. Make him look terrible.
I wish there was someone I could cry around. Someone whose meaning of my cry wasn’t as important as the reasons why I am crying.
And trying to stave off the cry is the wrong thing to do. Because cry is good. Letting it all spill out is the solution to it turning into something. Turning into something useful.
I feel so useless
I do not have the ability to do the kind of job I applied for. But remember, you knew that! You are looking for more research consulting work. More remote contracts, doing exactly what you have been doing.
You are looking for consideration, compassion, support, respect in your private life with your partner. You are looking to walk the line you want to walk, the direction you want to walk in and have someone beside you, support you,
I don’t even want to say. But writing each day is…this is it. I was reading that book last night; Writing your dissertation in 15 minutes a day. I have never read what I read last night, even though I have looked at that book before, a couple of times at least…
It spoke to me more. I am more receptive now. I am much more engaged with myself now. Much less intimidated by life. I know that the fears are just these made up obstacles that you navigate around, or walk through, like in video games ;-).
I can invest in myself now. Because I began investing in myself. I’m already there. I see that I am part of beautiful things everywhere. Inevitably.
This year, I will pray for the courage to let myself feel my pain, my fear, my shame, to forgive myself for taking it out on other people. I will pray for the courage to live on my own. For the courage to not chase after what I need in other people. For the courage to look inside myself and see that I have enough, that I can live a life that is amazing with what I have inside…with what I feel, with what I know, with what I have lost and what I have gained through all of these years.
It’s a heavy day. Many are. I feel like i’m running inside. And then paralyzed. The sun is out and then a few moments later the sky is a low ceiling and the noise is gone. One second I am in a box and I can’t breathe. The next minute it is a reprieve. Freedom, like confinement, feels scary one moment and blissfully exuberant the next.
There is a lot to write about; keeping lifelike in a sinking atmosphere. Keeping an eye on the bright, limitless future with someone who doesn’t look past the pain he is feeling in this very moment. Realizations about much bigger processes that do or do not make up a part of our life, right now. So, I write now.
The feeling, the nagging, annoyed, low mood feeling I am having is that I do not like myself right now. More precisely, I think that I am allowing things to be a way that makes it look like I do not like myself and that others don’t have to show they care and respect and love me, all the time. I have lowered myself to second best levels, and my expectations as well.
I miss the ‘I Love Me’ life I created. I am making so many exceptions. And when I write this I can feel the things I miss most — the swimming, the scheduling work around my own convenience and care. I feel angry so much of the time these days. Because I am ignoring myself.
And I wonder why I feel invisible to others, unimportant, like a joke… Ha!
How can someone give so much and be the source of life everyday and be completely invisible? How can that person be the one to die, to be overlooked, to hurt?
Better question: how can someone go in a direction away from the fear and be seen, be heard, be felt. Be something, someone positive even if it shocks the system? How can she do it? How can she disregard, move away from the fear of being seen? How can she go towards bigger, more open, more constructive, loving things? Does she need an army to do it? Does she need to cry? Can she cry when she does it? Are those she is appeasing going to hurt her?