About My Self

CHAPTER 2 – August 2019 – 7 years later

It feels as though I started this blog a lifetime ago. I have been compelled to come back to writing every day, like I used to for months as a time. And I guess one of the reasons I was feeling hesitant to do that was that, I am not feeling the same. I also don’t want to write the same things. I feel like this blog needs a “Chapter 2”. I wonder if it is actually a Chapter 3 or a Chapter 4…but I have not been as conscientious about doing this emotional writing for a while so what I am experiencing and want to indicate with this new Intro is a big shift of focus.

I think about self-strengthening, self-expression, self-actualization with more awareness of a desire for healthy connection to everything and everyone around me. I think about building and understanding and expanding. The earlier, much earlier entries in this blog were about looking at the mess that was all around me, that was in me, and making sense of how I got there, why, how I could understand and articulate reasons to get out and to change.  Now, however, I am in territory that, to some degree, I have never been in before. I believe that big things are there for me. I believe that I am big and rich and valuable for people, for work… I am dying to grow into that bigness. The grandness. I am still leaving doubt and fear behind, but I find them only a fraction as believable to me than I did early on. Have a look back at some early posts and you will see.

Up next is belief in enjoyment, pleasure, bliss, growth, discovery, brand new-ness, in everything I can possible find it in….

—- Chapter 1 below — 🙂

It is July 18, 2015, and I am updating this Front Page of my blog for the first time since I began it…almost 3 years ago!

This blog is about me. And therefore, like I am, it is both complete AND a work in progress. The first time I wrote this opening entry I wrote, “This is a risk. This page. Because I don’t really know about myself.” I no longer feel that the blog is ‘risky’. It is one of the ways I have brought my Self back into a state of life and living these last couple of years. As some of you have already read here, I am codependent, and I have ‘gotten along’ in life according to my understanding of what other people need from me as well as what I think other people know of me. My experience of life has shifted, thankfully! I have begun to truly understand and believe that what I know of myself, what I experience of myself is the most important information I have about how to live my life, and how to live with and love others. For the longest time looking at My Self felt selfish, and scary. I admit that sometimes my spiritual work certainly resembles a lot of navel-gazing. But that has been necessary. Because I have had to learn to be personally accountable and personally responsible for my feelings, for everything about me. Because that is my most important job on this planet. I had to look backwards and inwards in order to move forward. The disorientation is subsiding bit by bit, however. And I feel some forward and upward momentum. For the fun of it maybe check out of couple early posts and then jump forward bit by bit. It’s been quite a trip down memory (trauma, recovery, and growth) lane. Thank you to all of you out there who have followed, liked, and commented on my blog contributions. I am fortunate to have learned from you beautiful people some of the most underrated lessons – that I have the need for real love, I have have real love to give, and that I am not alone. And no matter the ups and downs of life, I am always a being of beauty on this planet.

  1. I am so grateful to have found your blog and to be able to read such an honest account of oneself. I think and feel exactly like you do. I was raised by an abusive (NPD) mother and an enabling verbally abusive father, and the effects of the consequent trauma I can’t erase upon demand.

    (PS. for unknown reasons, for some time I have been unable to add my Likes to existing posts – only to new ones on blogs I am already subscribed to)

    • Thank you for minding me wanderer. I will really enjoy following your journey-on-blog as well! I have been told that my mother has borderline personality disorder and my dad was around for a few years and was just scary and intimidating… Interestingly the behavior of almost every person I have dated resembles them as well to some degree… I am trying to get past blaming myself for all of their behaviors toward me and finding ways to accept that I can change (not worrying about them changing)… Slowly but surely.

  2. Keep writing! I’m pretty much where you’re at in one way or another and you’re/we’re not alone! My “talk therapy” has been helping me uncover me. Some of it nasty. Some of it wonderful. Some of it vulnerable.


    I know you’ll find YOU too!

    God Bless! I’ve followed ya.

  3. Hi there, I hope you don’t mind, but I nominated your blog for the Liebster Award. I’m really enjoying your work. Check out my post for details.

  4. I’m codependent too, and I found out this codependency is a type of addiction that makes me addicted to love avoidants- emotionally unavailable people. Often, these people have other addictions like drugs, alcohol, gambling.

    I’ve been reading a lot about it and am blogging about my recovery and facing my reality and fears.

    Thank you for sharing, and thank you for following me.

  5. Hi Shantelle,

    I’ve awarded you the Sunshine Award for positively and creatively inspiring others in the blogosphere.


    Congratulations and thank you for your blog!

    My best,


  6. Dear friend, Thank you very much, I was really happy to have been following your blog. I’m still a lot to figure out, and here I can only say that you are an awesome blogger, full Inspiring and hope you can inspire more readers. Thanks and greetings compassion from Gede Prama 🙂

  7. Hello There, Thank you very much from coming from such an authentic place and sharing it with the world. And, thank you for following my page. I am looking forward to seeing more of what you have to share. Peace and blessings, Kim

  8. Keep up the good work!

  9. I’m re-emerging…and I’m glad to see you still working so hard. It matters, all of it. 🙂

    • Welcome back 🙂 So nice to ‘see’ you!
      That’s what I tell myself… There’s a reason I’m slugging on. Ironically I think it’s to learn to not ‘slug on’ anymore but to continue on with peace and comfort.

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