And, he died.
It’s not true in my heart yet… He went in a time and place that was…incomprehensible. No sense… He was so much more far gone than we wanted to think. He was wonderful and then on the edge…all in the span of hours, sometimes minutes, sometimes seconds.
The things that were happening in his head… I’ll never really know…I don’t think… But I knew.
We had love. Undoubtedly.
Love cannot save life though. Sometimes it’s up against a mountain of harm…
Sober = hard truths
High = confirmations
Deep narcs = fear for life
Lost in torturous spiritual and emotional pain is… unspeakable…
That person I am struggling with? They are just a reflection of me.
Them, yeah, but the I am codependent.
Them, yeah, but I don’t think anything of myself.
Them yeah, but I am always looking for approval and measuring my worth based on someone else’s satisfaction with me…
Well, well, well… Isn’t that a hell of a pill to swallow.
What Will Stop It?
What will stop someone from doing something cruel that hurts others/everyone?
Rules against it?
Because they are not seeking to break rules.
They are seeking to right a wrong – something that is a wrong in their eyes.
If we do not find out what that wrong is, and what ‘righting’ it is meant to accomplish, then we will never know how to stop the cruelty. Or how to get them to stop it.
What does the end result look like in their mind? Why is this important? What will it accomplish for them?
What is the possible conversation or measure that can be had or taken once we know the answers to those questions?
All Emotions Accepted
“… we confuse joy with outer changing experience, called “the pursuit of happiness.“ But experiencing authentic joy isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about feeling everything, which requires emotional inclusiveness. The good news is that we are able to integrate all our emotions, so we are no longer unconsciously driven towards some experiences and away from others.“
– Michael Brown, The Presence Process
The Way I Stay In Presence
I am quite good at holding space when others are having an emotional experience. At this point in my own process, my process of integrating my own unintegrated emotions, I am going to experiment with holding space for myself. My little self.
It feels quite peaceful and fulfilling (although tiring) to be there for others. I wonder if I can do it for myself in a way that feels the same?
I do. The fact is that I don’t accept it unconditionally from moment to moment, or day to day.
Paying attention is a whole new skill and awareness.
Sometimes, when it is simply an exercise for expressing yourself, paying attention to how you feel and accepting it, it is ok to say “FUUUUUUUUUUUck!”