Monthly Archives: October 2012
For eggplant bolognese.
For guided meditation.
For looking forward to tomorrow.
You have a lot of Hope. So, I think you could be pretty cool. You want to be pleasant to be around.
Don’t know how to do this, how to help myself.
Last night I lay seemingly paralyzed in front of the tv.
I could not do any of the work I have on my plate. I couldn’t even face why I was allowing myself to stay glued to the tv for hours…
It was impossible to get to sleep because i was so worried about what I hadn’t done, but I could not pay attention to myself. It was something for my inventory, but I was too tired to get out of bed and write it down:
My codependent behavior:
– isolate, shut down, procrastinate, self-flagellate
What drove it:
– overwhelmed: not enough time to do everything; afraid of making myself think too much and stressing myself out so that I wouldn’t be able to sleep; discouraged and depressed because I haven’t yet taken any ‘fun’ time for me, and I am so piled up with work.
Consequences for me:
– wasted time; feel irresponsible; end up rushing to do things at the last minute
Feelings about my actions and consequences
– frustrated, helpless, feel crazy,
It’s interesting what happens when the novelty starts to wear off with something. I started to go to guided meditation because I feel like I need to sit with myself, to listen to myself, to hear myself, to find the peace I need in myself rather than elsewhere. The novelty of it is starting to wear off. There are some things that are starting to feel ‘regular’, like there is less to discover, and that’s when I can get bored. But boredom is just a fear in this case, only coming if I am looking outside myself for relief. One can even lose one’s track with meditation if you’re preoccupied with the place in which you are meditating, the person who is guiding, etc. I faced that a little today. And kind of moved past it, and discovered a gift or two.
I first noticed my usual wandering and distracting thoughts. But I noticed in a way that I detached myself from them enough to begin to be gentle with my mind for wandering. I tried to react the way I’ve thought I’ve needed others to react with me. Kindly. Gently. It was a start.
Secondly I noticed (which I am very happy about) that right before any of those loud distracting thoughts comes a loud and distracting feeling. And fitting this in with the rest of the puzzle of sanity I have been putting together for months, I reminded mysf that I need to accept my feelings. As I sat there I hoped that if I pay attention to the feelings and just allow them, I don’t necessarily have to listen to those loud and distracting thoughts. They just may be allayed because I have given the feelings their due notice…
Then at the end I thanked my higher power for these gifts today.
Is it that we learn about making ourselves happy in one of two ways…?
1) our parents make themselves truly happy and we learn by example (the easy way)
2) we watch people act insane and narcissistic and we learn to do that until we reach crisis and then we (hopefully) learn all by ourselves to make ourself happy (the hard way).
I really would like to go through another process with my thoughts about my relationships in the same way that I went through it about sexual abuse.
I think the people who shared their own were a huge factor in my own outcome that night.
Something took away the shame that night. The reality became that people did terribly selfish things. That people did things, and I was not really a factor except that I was the victim. That there is nothing else I can do but be angry. That…the more important things are how people are, and that I know that, rather than what happened to me. I said to everyone, what feels heavier to carry around is that everyone was so selfish, the way everyone handled the situations, the way my mother did, the way the boys did…This all made it a lot less about me.
I would really like to go through a similar process when it comes to my relationships. My string of similar emotionally stunted relationships… The emotional insanity…i want out of it.
I am walking around feeling terrible shame about my relationship with G. Can’t tell if it’s shame for what I keep on doing or feeling, or shame for having gotten into the relationship in the first place.
I felt like a sexual abusee, and now I don’t as much.
I feel like an emotional abusee, and maybe abuser, and I don’t want to anymore. I want to see the picture of everything. I want to sift through it. I am desperate to, but right now, I don’t know how…
I will try really hard to do that this coming weekend.
I tried to think of something to do this evening when I got home. I am in the twilight zone because I am so tired of work and stressing about work, and when I was on my way home I tried to think of things I could do to be human. I thought about
– going for a run
– making myself a good dinner
But I didn’t do either of them. I am tired, but I am disappointed in myself for doing neither. Instead I played a video game. Which gave me pleasure, but kept me isolated.
Reflecting on G and how I feel when he is around, how he makes me feel when we talk, when we spend time together…:
– I miss him in some surreal way because he makes me know that he loves me
– and at the same time though, he takes something every moment I am in contact with him. I feel this rock in my stomach about talking to him…Like he is kryptonite, like I lose…something. When I can put my finger on what that is, put a descriptor to it, name it, then I will know everything about us. I will know what I want and don’t want when it comes to him.
It’s like he won’t let me feel entitled…to love. He won’t let me feel…a need for him. He won’t entirely give himself… He won’t even let me feel…care…think…It’s like I’m one of those wind-up toys and he is a wall that keeps on calling my name. I keep on running into the wall and falling over, spinning my feet, and being set back up to run into the wall again…
If I could put my finger on what he crushes in me, every time I face him, or give to him, or offer a moment of my time or thought…
His message is that I can’t have _____
Tonight, if I can relax, stay with this. Less shame. This emptiness that is really just peace…maybe I can sleep. What will I dream if I don’t feel such shame? What could it feel like to wake up without shame?
Thank you people, world, for making good things possible too.