Monthly Archives: November 2016
I have almost 4 university degrees. I graduated from my first at 25. You know how many of us just go to university after high school because, well…what else do you do? 5 years later I graduated from my second bachelor’s degree… This one was the source of quite a bit more inspiration and propelled me towards more substantial interests in a particular subject area. So right away I went into a Masters degree in 2003, and continued on to a PhD in 2005.
It is now 2016, I am 44, and I have been in school (including grade school) for a total of 38 years. (I took a year from school and traveled in 1992, and in 1998. In 2000 I was traveling but most of that year I was doing a correspondence course in anthropology…
So…Here I am.
My PhD is unfinished. After more than 9 years…it puttered out. I have a 225-page document…that is in the form of a thesis…And no place to go.
Why…why have I? Why have I moored myself into the school context like this for all of these years…And why am I sitting in this unfinished spot after all of that?
It’s a pun.
I sat with my life coach this past weekend for a little while and what came up for me?
All by itself the thought occurred…
School is the only place I have felt I had supervision.
How many times did I hear when I was young that it was strange for me to be all by myself all of the time… Or hear that parents were not that thrilled with me when they found out what my mother was like…that she left me alone. How many times was I not picked up on time or left when my mother worked, or hung out with boyfriends. Or just whenever. That interest that someone is supposed to take in your progress, in your activity, in whether you are even present or not. I got that consistently at school. Not so much at home.
People were watching me at school.
I was not so often inventoried at home.
I’ve been in a holding pattern for months now. A holding pattern as I am exploring how to make changes to my life, how to live differently. How to change the habits both conscious and unconscious that have been holding on for decades… And I am tired.
Literally, I am tired. Because I haven’t been able to sleep restfully in any consistent way for years. For so long I have been experiencing ups and downs with this. When I began to stay away from my alcoholic ex there was relief. I could enjoy the peace and quiet for a while and sleep with some calm. But then my body and mind got restless…afraid of my tendency to invite that chaos back, afraid of my naivete, of my weakness when it comes to thinking that I am any kind of solution for HIM feeling better or doing better. The guilt is just debilitating. And my body didn’t trust that some other chaos wasn’t impending.
Spending lots of time on my own has been excruciating in some ways. But I have had the feeling for a while now that the personal solitary time is important. Important because I escape change, whether I notice myself doing it or not, by looking elsewhere for rationales and explanations for how to do things differently. I think there are answers elsewhere, from other people, but others perspectives of thinking about life and love and…everything.
That is true to a degree. I think I’ve needed to get out of my own head for a long while now. And listening to explanations about how to live differently or ways to think about relationships or other life experiences differently have been invaluable. But they are just practice. They are supposed to bring me closer to being able to explain MY own perspective on MY life, how I feel about it, and how I want to feel in the future. And THEN what I need to DO to support myself in feeling that way.
This afternoon the question is: How do I want to feel in the morning?
Usually I feel like everything is futile. When I wake up I often feel already defeated, before I barely move a muscle. And it has escaped me for the longest time, what I am supposed to do with this feeling… Yes, I need to listen to myself. Yes, I need to know that I want to feel differently… But what comes after that?
Whispers have reached me lately. About different things, but especially this morning (well, and also the going to bed feelings at night).
I need to ask myself and talk about, describe, declare, how I want to feel when I wake up in the morning. Without being afraid to declare that. Without talking down to myself or saying or thinking I am ridiculous…. hehe. I need to really sit with myself and imagine feeling this new way, imagine the moments, the minutes of waking up in the morning and what kind of expression is on my face, what kinds of feelings I have in my body, what kinds of thoughts I have and things I look forward to and habits I have in the morning that are great for me.
Then the reality is almost complete.
And then I can do the same with the night time.
See my next post for my description of how I want to feel in the morning…