Monthly Archives: June 2014

Inspiring Today

Vipasana Retreats

I have only done one silent retreat. But I have been wanting another since that first one ended. These videos about Vipasana just make me more impatient…

https://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=2jmaA05YQfo

WS

Walkin’ II

Tuesday, a couple of days ago, I had group therapy. It is a good session each week. In some ways getting better. It has been going now since the second week of January and wraps up in September.

In the last 3-4 weeks those of us who have been going consistently have really begun to get at a few more deep issues than we have in the past. I have experienced a couple of welcome moments of deep ‘feeling’ in rehashing old experiences and that deep feeling felt more real, and more of an honest relief than I have felt generally ever. I think because it is a session with a bunch of other ‘regular’ people. Therapy is usually exclusive exchange with a therapist and the results are ‘supposed’ to be authoritative somehow and with clear path and results and trajectory because it is in that context. But I realize that I have always walked out of the therapists’ offices feeling like there is such a divide between what happens in there and what happens in my life when I get outside – a lot less insight and focus and practical progress as soon as I leave that room. But with Group, I have been using the time to share in a way that I can have a more practical human experience of self reflection and change and ‘live’ the chance more, because just like when I walk out of that room that week, in the room I have to intersect with and interact with ‘people’ and learn about who I am with that activity. I feel I have been able to experience or look forward to some continuity…like if I can talk to thes people and be myself in Group and empathize etc etc, then I can OUTSIDE the room too…

So this week we were talking about having (or not) a feeling of self-entitlement, asking other people for what we need… How we do or don’t so that. And the bad ways that we do ask. I was able to not only express in my own words my irateness at, for example, my mom because I felt so angry at her for being so blind and self-absorbed. When I expressed that, something came alive in me that I had made sleep my whole life. I said how,

“I thought I was a bad person for being angry, and angry at my mom. I thought I was being a bad daughter for being angry and resentful and…” …for looking angry and resentful and for looking for an explanation for WHY, and for lookin for empathy. She told me I was ‘misbehaving’ when I took matters into my own hands at 9 or 10 years old and climbed a free and called my assaulter an “asshole” as he walked by on the street. I thought all of my reactions, all of the effects of being molested and not protected had on me mad ME a bad person…ME!! Because if I was mad I was ‘bad’. I didn’t know that me being angry was a valuable sign of something. A valuable sign of me. A sign of my value…!!! A sign that those who love me and were completely concerned about me would preoccupy themselves with and be there for me. I did not know… I…Did…Not..Know…

One of the other Group members was listening so closely and was making eye contact with me and when I said “I thought I was a bad person for being angry, and that I think I know now that I am not a bad person for being angry…” He said, “No, you’re not”, softly, sensitively, shaking his head with affirmation.
I could come back to life. I belong here with my anger. I could let my feet touch the ground, stop trying so hard. My anger is a colour that matches the rest of me. Not an off colour or an ugly color. It is a color that captures people, a color with depth. A color that says so many things about me. Not bad things,

A release came in those moments. I could feel the power of myself. And it was not a power imposing on anyone else. My anger was not causing anyone else pain. The anger was no longer bad. And it was something that others could love. It was a sign of love, for myself.

Which I have been learning to have. I have been waiting for the feeling to come with all of the learning though. And the feeling came, briefly. Until the psychiatric resident facilitator at the height/depth of my moment shifted to asking someone else a question…Ghaaah!
That fucking pissed me off. I got cut off, like I always have been.

I need to say that at the next meeting I am in.

My power there, but it is still too shaky to withstand unexpected interruption.

Walkin’… Just One Foot In Front Of The Other.

I have written almost nothing here in the past few weeks. Time really flies when I get myself into a situation where I am always struggling to “take care of things…”and when I have given myself things to take care of that are not really necessary for me to invest my time in at this point…

I am sitting on a plane waiting to take off and go ‘home’ for a week. The morning has felt like absolute chaos dream-like…and I did not even have any really big airport drama. I just didn’t get to sleep until late and then woke up irritatingly early… I got through security etc pretty smooth except I had to throw out a couple of very important items from my suitcase when I realized I was not going to have the time to check one of my bags. Comfort and gift items… Made me sad.

Everything feels worse when I am putting more on my mind and my conscience than I am really comfortable with.

It’s been a few weeks now since I ‘relapsed’ and started spending time with my ex. The good and the bad of the whole thing are there at such polar opposites of the spectrum that I ink I feel like I am walking a tightrope holding one of those poles to balance and the pole has very different but very heavy weight on either end; like a wriggling restless Hulk on one end and a very tightly packed 200lb oversized suitcase on the other… And my most ready reaction is to thank god that “at least they both weight about the same…” Haha. I must laugh at myself…

Well my next couple of posts will expand a little on events of late. I hope you ‘out there’ (and ‘in here’) find them tittillating.

My horoscope this month… Let Go, Let God

Scorpio

Travel or study plans may not go the way you plan until Mercury goes direct. Delays are only temporary, giving you time to let the universe catch up with what you already knew. Surrender. Nothing is under control.

Why Now?

Why, when I walk out of Group therapy and talk to G and he is picking up his son (which is great because that means he is not drunk) and he is going to get groceries for dinner (which is great because he is doing it and not me) and he says “we’ll be home in about a half hour” do I suddenly feel a gush of anxiety??

I am here, out of a meeting with 30 minutes to fill and nothing ‘small’ to do to fill that time… And nothing with which I can make myself useful…

Maybe that is it…
Maybe I am afraid…he doesn’t need me… I am not a part of the equation because I didn’t have to do anything… Maybe I feel guilty because I was in Group and therefore wasn’t available to do what he ‘needed’… Maybe I am not really that integral…when he can do things for himself.

Wow, this is something I want to bring up in group next week. This experience of sudden onset anxiety. The feeling that I have no place to go, nothing to do, and that makes me panic…
That makes me panic because…He usually is getting tolerance from me, me putting up with things, and that is my biggest draw. When he is not needing me to take care of things…how am I a valuable part of life…valuable to him…? I don’t necessarily know…
Being independent is no good.because then there are no ties… Tolerance and putting out fires…that is what relationships are made of…
??!! In my past experience…