How To Not Freeze With Triggered Emotions… Allow The Reality of the Experience, Even If It Is A Very Old Echo of Something That Is Long Gone.
I don’t have a hang of this yet. But I think I have a way of working on it. I tried to re-integrate emotionally this morning. Yesterday I read an email from my supervisor and felt the sensation… It is so automatic, such an integrated reaction that I can barely consciously describe it. It is almost like I turn to stone. Turn to stone so that her words and tone can not penetrate. So, that I do not get entirely ‘infected’ by her dark, destructive forces and suffer painfully, rottenly. The feeling…is like what it must feel like to be touched by Rogue in the X-Men movies. like the oxygen and life being sucked out of you.
I listened to this this morning, and tried to do the exercise as she did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3V_Gtfr_YA
I can barely describe the feeling, but what came up while I was trying to work with the feeling was how I had been punished severely as a kid, irrationally, and that I felt completely, entirely imprisoned by someone else’s gunk. But the gunk is as heavy and immovable at black rock. I feel that trapped by someone else’s disapproval even now… Paralyzed, incapacitated, penetrated, rotted…like I turn into coal, so hard I can’t crack, but that is how I will fall apart. I can only crack. No one can soften me up and bring me back to life.
As I did the exercise in the video above (How to Heal the Emotional Body), I was actually able to ask my inner child what she wanted — (although there seemed no need for words) — and what I felt was picking her up into my arms…I/she was maybe 5 years old, and I held her, and allowed her to clamp onto me, her arms around my shoulders and neck, her legs around my waist. She barely weighs anything, and she just wants that contact, she just wants me to feel her fear. She just wants me to feel her hold on to me, she wants me to just be there for her to hold onto, she wants me to absorb that fear by doing nothing more than showing her that she has a reason to be terrified in that moment, that she has a reason to need to be held, that she has a right to be comforted. I hold her in my mind, I allow her to clamp onto me for dear life as though time is no object, as though her burden is a blessing to me, although comforting her, being a comfort to her is all-beneficial, all an advantage, all-content… It is a ‘whole’ experience.
Just having been scared, vulnerable, compromised is not the whole experience… It is incomplete. It is only complete when it is validated, felt, accepted, responded to, recognized, cherished…
I’ve been wanting to write an entry for a couple of days now. I want to write an entry about what I’m feeling underneath all of the attention and concentration. I feel stretched to the limit, always “plugged in”. I always feel a rush. It’s not relaxing. I feel suspended like 30 feet up in the air. I want so much for my toes to reach the ground. But i’m afraid that if I get grounded I will cry.
I thought about how to reach out in the last couple of days. To my sponsor or to another Sponsee. Or to another friend. But I don’t know how to express how this feels usually. It is like Tara Brach describes: being in kind of a “trance state. Making all the wheels spin at the same time. No rest for the mind, no rest for the body, even when I’m resting laying down on the sofa, I’m not resting at all.
I listened to Tara Brach’s latest talk today. And it was about coming back to the three things that bring you closest to yourself; in Buddhist terms, the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I think those are the three.
The Dharma, or the present moment, came back to me.but the thing is, the present moment feels really painful. I am literally alone. I’m trying to accomplish a gargantuan task. With a crazy deadline. and I don’t have a partner around. I have closed him out. Because in reality he’s more destructive than supportive. He’s much more toxic than comforting. So I am protecting myself, but in the moment it’s devastating to think about. It’s devastating because I still miss certain things about him. And what I’m doing is refusing to indulge in an addiction.an addiction to helping someone who won’t help themselves. An addiction to avoiding my own self. So the present moment is difficult. Luckily I’m not as afraid of it as I used to be.
And the Sangha -my community- was the other element that I could allow myself to think about tonight. Tara Brach’s exercise was to think about who it is in your lifethat you feel comfortable with, or loved by, or supported by. Someone it doesn’t take much if any effort to be around. She said you could include pets. So I did that. Considering for a moment all the support I have gotten friends with my work, and from fellow travelers my step work, I was able to find some calm.and even reached out and communicated with a couple people.
The biggest revelation I had in thinking about these things tonight, was how afraid I am to experience my own reality. To pay attention to my actual circumstances and, like a good parent, Sort through them and help myself move on. I’m so afraid to be myself. I’m so afraid to be scared, and show that I’m scared be resentful and show that I’m resentful, be angry and show that I’m angry. Be happy and show that I’m happy, be lonelyand show that I am lonely. All human beings feel these things. Why do I think I shouldn’t? Imagining allowing myself makes me feel like there is a waterfall coming. The waterfall of tears.but I do have love for myself in there, Interestingly because I seem to care about other people’s waterfalls. That’s my only link to me right now, it feels like I’m so afraid to be selfish, But truly being with me is actually refuge. I want it to feel like home.
When you meet someone,
– listen to ALL of your thoughts, the good and the bad.
– pay attention to your physical sensations…the good and the bad (again).
– as you are getting to know that person, keep your attention and energy going to the things you most regularly do, especially the fun past-time things that you do for yourself, and with other people.
– remind yourself, early on, what are the things you most want in a partner, in your life with a partner. Write them down or keep them close. (If you haven’t ever tried establishing some of these things for yourself, do it now!! – whether you are with someone or not).
– if you start to put that person before yourself, consider whether you experiencing personal loss or personal gain in the process.
– consider if you have heard or seen that person do things that you were not entirely comfortable or happy with, and whether you made unspoken excuses for them. (i.e. you convince yourself that your feelings were mistaken, or you didn’t ask the other person about their words or actions out of fear of what their answer or reaction might be).
– are you experiencing an extreme level of admiration and praise from that person at some moments, and at others you are feeling incredibly lonely, or perhaps suspicious, or perhaps, deceived?
– have you felt the other person ask you for something that you were not at all comfortable with but they did not appear to be sensitive to your response? Did you hide your discomfort because you did not want to displease them?
– ask yourself periodically if you feel you have a healthy respect for the other person. If you find that any of their behaviors, words are distasteful or unattractive or you disagree with them, allow yourself time to consider whether their good attributes outweigh the bad for you.
These are just a few points I can think of right now. If anyone can add any more, or would like to share their experiences, please comment. I am really hoping to care for myself and keep caring for myself as I imagine getting into a new relationship. And I can only think about how I want that person to be ‘nice’ to me. Just plain old nice, considerate on the most basic level… It is important, as the above points stress, that I will have to learn to be self-focused in a gentle way to me, and remember that avoiding people and behaviors that are compromising is a perfectly wise and kind thing to do when getting to know new people. Being vigilant is not the same as being self-interested. And being self-interested is not at all the same as being self-absorbed or selfish. If I am not self-interested in living my life and in meeting new people, other people will not learn what I like, what I need, and how to love and respect who I am.
Want to be out of this preposterous relationship situation… But
I feel soooo guilty right now. Guilty for not being honest with myself about how unhappy I am, guilty for not being honest with him about how taken for granted, disrespected, used, neglected I feel, guilty for leaving when I haven’t been honest with him, guilty because I feel so bad… as though I should feel great because he didn’t MEAN to make me feel so bad…
I actually feel guilty for not respecting the things he does…!!! I actually feel guilty for having bad feelings about him. I feel guilty for not liking what he does. I feel guilty for having been scared of him. I feel guilty for being angry with him. I feel guilty for wanting him to have taken care of his shit so that we could actually have a future. I feel guilty to wanting something good… As though it is my mistake for expecting something good from him.
Are things REALLY that simple??? Is it really as simple as
– you don’t like it, you leave
– they are not nice to you, you leave
– you don’t have the same ideas about how to live into the future you leave…??
Like how much of a screwed up moron do I sound…
I think I know even more now how I have not dealt with my own baggage because
– i have kept on arguing and being angry, telling him things that I feel are so bad, trying to make him feel as bad as he has made me feel(?). I am battling a losing battle. I want to make him feel bad right back, instead of walk away and make myself feel better.
– I stay when I notice things that I do not like, don’t respect, want to change about what he is doing. I stay, instead of leave. I try to express and explain, believing that he will do things differently. What should be the limit on that…?
Staying in a bad relationship because it gives me an excuse to feel sorry for myself, and give me the opportunity to change something about the past (in my current relationship – weird concept!) that I cannot change… Except to stay away from it. I believe that I still have to live with that stuff… <sigh>