Dead End? Or Brand New…Something.
I do this thing…over and over.
This morning, walking through the park, I was noticing again, how I “hate” the shape of my upper back and neck. It feels like a continuous (Groundhog Day) loop. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel it. I see it in my mind. I cringe when I see myself. I look at myself with…hopelessness. Without an answer. Without being able to find kind response, without comforting gestures, without questions, without nurturing. Yet I do that for others…
And then I tried at least one more time to stay with that feeling and I noticed… I don’t give my self a break. I am just angry at myself for being whatever I am that let’s me walk like that, stand like that…
I am angry at myself for being a girl who would crumble under intimidation. A girl who…ducks and stays low instead of taking the offensive. I believe I am a casualty.
Yeah, that’s the problem. I don’t know what my reaction was supposed to be. Or is supposed to be.
I didn’t want to be there.
I didn’t put myself there.
I didn’t ask for it.
And now? What do I do now.
Can I answer that question?
I don’t want to be somewhere that is not perfect for me.
I don’t want to be somewhere because it is convenient for someone else.