False Self-Worth to True Self Worth
Today I noticed very clearly all of a sudden that when I am feeling rejected or lonely or unloved I can turn for a feeling of self-worth to my school work. I was getting home from helping a friend and then journaling about a tenant issue and as soon as I drove my bike into the driveway I realized that my mind went right to getting on the computer and grading papers… For the feeling of accomplishing something. I am actually super sleepy and super down and wanted to make myself work with the understanding that THAT would give me cred.
Then as I was going into the house I think I thought of a couple of other ‘to-do’ type things that I would normally revert to as well…things that I learned at a young age would give me attention or a feeling of there being a point to me being here.
I journaled this morning about the fact that I am absolutely terrified to display a sense of self-worth. To defend my self worth, my feelings, my experiences, my needs, my quality of life. That is what paralyzes me… Which is why I am also paralyzed by someone being angry with me… I don’t think that I have a leg to stand on because what I feel or think or do, or the reasons why I feel or think or do something are not worth anything to anyone else.
And the scary truth is…that that is true.
So, when I came in the house, and when I looked at the mess that is my place…I actually just plugged my phone in and laid down on the bed. Because the thing I needed most was rest.