Not A New Loneliness
It intensifies on a regular occasional basis. I try to imagine that it is not who I am. That it is not the same loneliness I felt years and years ago. But it is.
When I am encountering new people, new friends, new possible romantic interests…I get to this insecure place. Almost always. And I want to ignore that it is the same place I have been before. Because I don’t want to be the same girl I was way back when. Way back when I had no one. Way back when those I had were all I had…and their incomplete way of caring was something that I thought meant something about who I was.
I feel lonely meeting people who have had much better caring than me. I feel ashamed still, like I did when I was 9 years old…5 years old…when I took responsibility for not being supervised…When I learned that other people felt sorry for me…that they thought that there was nothing that could be done for a kid whose parents did not look after her.
Now…I see myself in comparison to others. Or I see my (non-)caring entourage in comparison with others’ caring entourages. And I guess the question is…can I see myself as a person who is something separate from the uncaring? Can I see myself as a person who is miraculously not the type of person who grew up neglected like I did? Is it possible for me to be that?
Will I always be ‘that poor girl’…whom someone looks upon and notices my weaknesses or instabilities and then ‘understands why’. Am I a really true strong and ‘everything’ person despite not having had those gaps filled in as a kid? Can one be amazing when one was not treated amazingly?