Crying Feels Good
When nothing else feels good.
Because it is an admittance of how I feel.
Because it means I give in.
Because I deserve to cry.
Because whatever is making me cry needs to get out. Crying is a way to get that out…
Because it is one of the few times that how I feel trumps how I think I need to be.
How many times have I tried to write about what feels true for me? And felt it, and felt how real it was. And then changed gears right back to mask world, space suit girl. How can one live with their feelings all the time? How can one be aware and live with what one truly feels all the time?
How can I sit here and feel. And then act on my needs?
I need to be ‘in’ myself all the time.
A lot of trauma stuff is coming up today.
Realizing the fact that I feel unsafe almost everywhere.
Realizing that I don’t trust myself to put myself in a safe place. That I don’t know any safe places. Realizing that when I put myself near Gave…that I felt unsafe. Because I didn’t believe my own feelings. I didn’t trust my own feelings. And yes, my own feelings are real but not true. But how do I deal with that? My feelings are real but not true. When I do feel unsafe what do I do? How do I make myself feel safe? How do I make a space safe?
How do I accept that if I can not make a space feel safe that I want to leave?
I usually don’t feel an option…I don’t feel like I have a choice. So, I stay in an uncomfortable place.