I have a Connection. Careful.


GL, I feel more than a physical connection with you.

I have been afraid to reveal it. I know that I have been afraid to reveal it because I felt the feeling in my stomach when you didn’t ask me on another date. When you stood there and looked at me like you wanted it to magically happen by jedi-mind-tricking me. When you asked in a roundabout way…like you wanted me to say yes before you asked.

Because I feared you may exploit that.

The first night we spent together.

I went over to your house…I dropped an expectation then. An expectation that you would treat me well. I tried to hide that. I dove into what I thought was a crap situation and made it crap before he could. I just went to the bedroom.

Because I could not sit on the sofa and talk. Because I was afraid I could not stave him off. I was afraid I would lose the battle. So I just forfeited. I was so afraid to sit and talk. I was so afraid to face his pain. I was so afraid to make out with him and have to stop him from going further. I was so afraid to show myself, to show my awkwardness, to be awkward…uncontrollably, to look scared and vulnerable. I was afraid to react with trauma-stuff. I was afraid to be faced with being seduced. I was afraid of feeling the pressure to do more than I want to do.

I want more than sex meets.

I wanted more than tea at 8pm on a Sunday night.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to see your face more. I wanted to walk more.

I’m not good at dealing with how I feel. I not good at revealing point blank how I feel.

I am terrified of someone’s response to how I feel. I’m so scared that your response will  be really hurtful. Condescending, dismissive, erasive, patronizing, exasperated…

I feel more than a physical connection with you.

I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel that the fate of my feelings is at the mercy of…you.

Can something more come from just having sex?

I got my tea and carrot cake so that I didn’t have to wait for him to be nice to me. I didn’t want him to fail being courteous in front of me. I didn’t want to have to choose ‘no’ when he started to interact with me and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to have to face the fuck-ups. I want the nice guy, but I do not want to have to go through the not-nice-guy in order to get there. I am afraid of everything. I didn’t let him buy my tea because (he would feel entitled to something). To what? To the time we spent together going a certain way.

  • I did not feel that I could choose to not enjoy myself
  • I didn’t not feel like I could choose how much time we spent, where we went, how I reacted to him, whether I agreed with him.
  • Just buying a drink or tea means I have to act a certain way.

I couldn’t say ‘I like you’ at the end of the date/meet. Because…I didn’t allow myself to believe that he liked me.

  • I didn’t all

He didn’t like that I ordered my tea and carrot cake first because then it really didn’t resemble any kind of date.

I wanted a buffer between meeting someone and having to act the way someone expects me to.

It takes a long time to get to know someone. I want that time to be mine as well as someone else’s.

I want to know that when I share how I feel that I have a safe place to sit or be while they react. That I am safe from their reaction.

I realize now, that he wanted to know whether I was enjoying being with him–and acting like he wasn’t there was not a good way to show him…

I wanted to keep the space and he wanted the space to get smaller…so that he knew something.

If I like someone I am even that much more terrified.

When a normal person likes someone — they leave space for them to come over. then they reach out.

I didn’t give him any signs…except listening.

I didn’t reveal anything about me – except that I had personal issues that were involved with me not finishing my Phd.

Do I know how to let things in. Do I know how to let things about me be revealed?

Do I have the protection mechanisms I need, the safety latches I need when someone starts to come to close? Can I say or do something really straightforward? Can I say what I really think?

I ordered by carrot cake and my tea before him — and that was just another way of keeping space between us.

  • Autonomy – didn’t want to be constrained by someone else…in any way
  • I also talked intellectually instead of personally (didn’t ask his thing about the kid and the drop-off)
  • could explain my take on the film thing because I am afraid to reveal how personal I think public and social processes are.
  • I felt nervous about touching his hand because I was afraid it was a trick. What would he take from me if I let him touch me?
  • I am so afraid of the connection because I give everything. And I am not sure how to take care of my boundaries and my life when I am really into someone.
  • How do I feel so much for someone and keep my side of life on track at the same time?

Masculine privilege

– I am afraid of masculine privilege.

– I am afraid of not being visible or entitled or even valued or important in the presence of a male who I am attached to.  I have the tendency to put him on a pedestal and then lose perspective on my role in the relationship.

  • I am afraid of the pattern they play out. Because I don’t know how to play out my own pattern.
  • I feel so vulnerable to someone buying me tea or anything. Me going to their house. Spending my time, sharing my smile. How do I keep them for myself?

When I went to Gave’s the first time I was so afraid to sit on the sofa and talk to him. Because I could not give any good reason why I was there then, at that time, in his house. When I liked him more than that. I had more respect for myself than that. I had higher hopes for our next meeting than that.

But I acted like this was the only option I had. I acted like it was my last chance.

I needed to know his intentions. But he didn’t reveal. No, I didn’t ask. I was afraid to. I already felt scared and vulnerable. There was so much to find out about him. The guy with the most on his profile, who had revealed the most, was the most interesting…I felt like I knew the least about, I wanted to find out the most about.

Do I tell him that? He has revealed so little about himself…personally. He has revealed things…but when I am not revealing anything he is not either.

What is the way out of this? I have a feeling I can’t go back.

What can I do NOW? I want to undo it or change it or alter…something.

Please – U – tell me what I can do?!!!!!!!!! Please?!!!!!!!!!!!! I need your guidance with this.

On a less emotional level–

I can talk to him about my philanthropic interests in kids…

On a more emotional level–

I can be affectionate

  • but he said (why so sentimental?)

did he say that because I hadn’t been?

or did he say that because he does not want more than sex?

 


My intention was not to completely distance you from the beginning. It was the only way I knew at the time how to maintain a safe space. I know it just felt like or looked like space or alienation, now I know that. But I really need to feel like someone acknowledges my boundaries in an open way before I feel good about revealing myself on a deeper level.

You probably don’t get how vulnerable it feels to be me. Or to be a woman in this dating thing, nor do you know anything about my own past or relationships. And you don’t leave room for possibilities that make sense outside of your own personal experience. I am supposed to cater to your perceptions, expectations or to convention before I am supposed to cater to my own feelings and comfort levels.

I regret alienating you. I regret not giving a clear message. But here it is

I feel more than just physical attraction to you.

I wanted you to touch me on our first date(meet).

I didn’t want to go to your house for ‘tea’ as the second time we met. If I did, I really did want to cuddle, and sleep. I did want to do that all the time. I still want to. I want to talk. I want to hear you. I want you to see me.

I don’t know what to do when you do see me. But I want to find out.

 

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About wonderfulshantelle

Journey To My Wonderful Self

Posted on April 24, 2017, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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