I want to bawl my eyes out.
Because I am so upset
That he does not love me.
In the past…I would have made this situation much worse, I think. I think I would have humiliated myself much worse…Made him the object of my obsession in much more active ways. Right now I find it absolutely torturous to not contact him…even just for 3 days. I want to put myself through a window or something…Because that’s how my body feels right now.
It’s that second arrow.
All of this time I am spending on my own. Alone. Lonely.
I notice in the car that I have someone traveling with me. No radio. No podcasts. Just silence. And I have a passenger. A deep one.
I am walking around with her everyday. And she is very upset.
Right now she is absolutely inconsolable. She is angry and crying and having a delirious fit. And she is uncomfortable and waiting and impatient and entitled.
And she is shooting the second arrow at me…?
GL doesn’t call, text. Anything. And she, the passenger, shoots the second arrow at me. “What did you do?” “How did you fuck it up?” She wants an explanation? She wants things to turn out right this time? She is blaming me for being alone? She is having a temper freakout because he is not doing what I thought he would.
Just like it happened with my mother?
That second arrow. As though it is my fault. As though everything that happens is my fault. So, I spend all of this time regretting my actions. Instead of…acting appropriately. I spend all of this time trying to think of ways to reverse things. Or change things. Or figure out why. Because leaving it as is for some reason feels excruciating…
What is important in my life that I can not see? What else is there for me to do that I am not doing?
Things for me to do in life.
What do I care about?
It’s another hour or two later and I still want to cry.
Cry even more because I don’t see a way out of this.
Even if I go ‘cool’ at this moment…I am so embarrassed that he saw me be uncool for so long. And I can’t take it back. And he will remind me of it.